Why is that people think that adoptees who want reforms are bad people?

Question

I'm just wondering. I have read several questions today and in the past that play down the need for reforms in the adoption industry. I do not think that the adoptee is the only victim in adoption. Some adoptive parents get taken advantage of when they try to adopt, especially with the fees. Some birth mothers are unsure of their decision, so they should get counseling, just so they understand the emtions behind what they are doing. Having open records where medical information is provided is helpful and plus for those adoptees who want to know their hertiage or want to search.

I think reforms benefit everyone including the adoptee. That shouldn't make people bad. So, why do some think this way?

Answer 1

i think it is nothing more than people misunderstanding the reasons they want the reform. many feel the adoptee is being ungrateful. which as you know is not the case. i was not interested in reform until i found this place, i didnt know it was needed. now i do and advocate it.

as for you leaving-you will be sorely missed. i hate to see you leave. i cant say i always agreed with you but you are an honest person with true emotions. i urge you to reconsider. but i understand your need for a break. hopefully one day you will return to us with a new found zeal for q&a.

best to you and your family

Answer 2

I sincerely believe that some people prefer fairy tales to the truth.  We have several people running for President of this country right now who "don't believe in" evolution.  Given this, is it really any surprise that some folks who want to adopt and/or who profit from adoption would like to believe in a happy sunshiny land where every adopted child is a rescued orphan, every adoptive home is the perfect fit, and every first mother wants confidentiality from her offspring  forever?  

I agree with you:  reforms would benefit all.  I would have my birth certificate, PAPs would be less vulnerable to scams, and first parents would make informed choices.  But that would stop the cashflow and the belief that anyone can have what they want when they want it.  I am old enough to remember when fairness for all, not rampant gimme-gimme-now consumerism, was what America was all about..

Answer 3

I don't know

It appears that the social stigma in adoption is alive and kicking.  All we can do is continue to speak our truths and keep up the fight for adoptee rights

Answer 4

People don't like being told something which goes against all that they have believed for long periods of time.

It makes them want to fight against the different beliefs - and they usually don't care who they trample on in the process.

I'm so sorry that they have trampled on you here.

You didn't deserve any of it.

Healing - your voice has been kind and wise here - you will be missed.

Hope to see you back some time.

Poss. x*x

Answer 5

There are people who, for whatever reason, for threatened by the idea of reform.  They seem to equate a desire for adoption reform with being anti-adoption.  If I were anti-adoption, I wouldn't be working for reform, I'd be working for abolition.  I wonder if these people have "perfect" spouses or "perfect" jobs.  After all, if there is anything that one of these folks would like to see his or her spouse do differently, or anything that s/he would like to see changed at work, then isn't it obvious that s/he wants to close down his/her employer's business and divorce his/her spouse?

How often do we hear people say things like, "There's always room for improvement!"  Apparently that's true in everything except adoption?  

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to improve and strengthen something.  That is what we do with anything we value.  I value my house.  Part of that means I make improvements.  If we don't see any intrinsic value in something, we throw it out, we don't improve upon it.

All the best to you, Healing.  You're a great asset to the reform community.

Answer 6

it was the same issues with segregation, feminism,  and other social reforms....

...reforms only are proposed when there are people disenfranchised. and most likely, there is a group who is simultaneously benefiting from the same system that disenfranchises others. those who benefit might not want things to change.

the desire for adoption reform denotes that there is a problem with the current system. conversely, there are those who see absolutely nothing wrong with the system; hence can't see why change is needed. especially if the current system benefits them.

it's just easier to ostracize those who want to "rock the boat" then to actually listen to what they have to say.

ETA: healing...i wish you well.

Answer 7

I don't know why they think you're bad people. Wanting change doesn’t make you bad, it makes you catalysts for improvement. Maybe it’s just that people naturally fear change.

And I 100% agree with you, it's not only the adoptees who are victims, the industry takes advantage of everyone.

In all honesty, I cannot, by any stretch of the imagination, come up with a single reason why anyone would NOT be in favor of reforms.

Answer 8

I believe adoption reform is needed.  I appreciate your recognition that it is not just the adoptee's side that needs reform also.  However, I do think that the adoptee's reform needs to happen before we focus on the other sides of the triad, as the adoptee is the most important.

I believe that in the non-Y!A world, people are not as quick to judge about adoption reform.  I think the challenge in this category is that many times people are misunderstood in their question/answer or people are just downright disrespectful in their question/answer.  Misunderstandings will always happen thru written word.  But the disrespect and rudeness that sometimes comes across here in this category breed a negative thought process for all.  I do not believe people are bad for wanting reform.  I do, however, believe that if you want reform that you should educate people as to why it is important rather than chastise people into seeing things your way or else.  And when I say "you" or "your", I hope you know that I mean "you" in general - not You personally, Healing!  : )

I am saddened by your choice to leave.  You (and yes, now I mean *You* personally) have always been someone here to answer respectfully & honestly, something we truly need more of here in this category.  You will truly be missed.  Please reconsider.  : )

Answer 9

IGNORANCE IS BLISS FOR TOO MANY.

Answer 10

Because to the general populace who are uneducated in adoption issues, an adoptee who is not good and grateful and perfectly loyal to those who adopted them is inherently bad.

I'm sure you've heard it a thousand times, we all have (especiallly here!) heard the tired old lines "Be grateful you weren't aborted,"  "Be grateful someone took you in and gave you something to eat", "Be grateful you didn't end up in foster care your entire life", bla bla bla.

People expect certain things, and from adoptees, they expect compliance and loyalty served up with a great steaming heap of gratitude.  If you dare say you don't like any one part of the adoption process or practices of adoption, that's a HUGE mutiny aboard the good ship Adoption, and you might as well walk the plank.

Of course there are some rare jewels out there who ARE well versed in true adoption issues and who DO understand what calling for reforms truly mean, but they are sadly few and far between.