Why is the birth mother term considered offensive on this site?

Question

Why is the term "birth mother" get so many yahoo users upset. While several adoption sites that have a huge amount of birth mothers who themselves use this term and are very comfotable with it. They do not find it offensive. These sites are dedicated to these members of the triad. They ought to know whats acceptable and whats not. They have hundred's of members who are birth mothers. Yahoo has a handfull.

example:

http://www.forums.afteradoption.org.uk/viewforum.php?f=5&sid=6faa460033867c445e5dba49379e2f22

and

http://forums.adoption.com/birthparents/

Answer 1

It's always been an accepted thing for me to say, my adoptive mother always talked to me about my birth mother. That's just the word I was brought up with. I don't see birth mother as meaning the act of birth. Anyway what's wrong with the act of birth? That gave me life, I wouldn't be alive without the birth. She gave me my DNA which is invaluable to me and she helf me for 9 months and then a further two before I was taken away. How was I to know it was offensive. If it is I will change it to something else.

Other names such as first mother is offensive to me as an adoptee too as if they are ranked or something so it depends really on your personal beliefs and choices. It's like any name or label.

dont know why im getting thumbs down, I had NO idea it was offensive, especcially now I read the answer above I feel awful :( It was just ignorance, I saw no real meaning in the word and had no other to use. Is biological mother okay to use?

Answer 2

I found (through a basic search query) on both of those sites SOME people who objected to the use of 'birth mother'.

'Birth mother' denotes one thing about a person, while disregarding everything else. Many people DO use that term, but many others find it offensive because this is a triad group, unlike those forums. the forums you linked generally are sectioned off into individual categories.....some for adoptees, some for adoptive parents, and some for original parents. We are all jumbled in here together--which is a good thing in my opinion. It also mean, however, that you aren't just talking to other adoptive parents...and a first mother or adult adoptee might be offended to hear you repeatedly say 'birth mother'.

It isn't an absolutely right or wrong issue, but a 'how will my child feel about this issue' for me. My child's mom didn't just give birth to him. In fact, she gave him every single thing he is today. Every look, every smile, every giggle, and every finger, toe, and hair on his head is a part of her and his dad. I can't and wouldn't dream of chalking all of that up to the title of  'birth parents'. They are far more than that to me and will one day be far more than that to my child. I hope he will know his parents names and their lives and who they are and were. I hope he will know what parts of them that he carries on and who he looks most like and who gave him his cute little ears. For me, it is about his experience of them...which is ALL shaped by what I tell him. If I constantly refer to them as his 'birth parents' then that necessarily denotes that I think of them as something lesser than my role. He will decide when he is older what he wants to call them....but for now, my objective is to help him to have positive associations about them.

<<adoptive mommy through foster care

Answer 3

Birth mother is part of respectful adoption language.

Sadly this site is dominated by a handful of extremists who insist on Disrespectful Adoption Language.

Just ignore it, it does not have any meaning in the adoption community.

Possum if you honestly are so ignorant that you never learned RAL, here is a primer:

http://www.comeunity.com/adoption/adopt/...

It is OK not to know a lot about adoption, but it is not OK to try to demand that the world at large adopt your view when you haven't taken the time to get a basic education on the subject.

Answer 4

I have no idea.  I've been searching for years and help others search and the term "birthmother" is widely used is the search circle.  I've always used the term.

Answer 5

I'm a birth mother and I don't mind the term.

Answer 6

Grape already gave you the link I was going to place here. I am not an incubator/breeder and I find it offensive in the extreme to be called "birth mother" I don't really like any term but mother, simply because that is what I am. (and a damned good one too btw) Why do we need qualifiers of any kind? Certainly some believe in RAL which boggles my mind. RAL was created to make us less than and to give arents and paps all the power. It sickens  me that people believe that this is ok. It is not ok, really it is just not ok.  

Answer 7

The first link is a UK site. (perhaps they're not so worried about the term)

The second link is run by the adoption industry. (who wants everyone to call first mothers by that term)

This Y!A section is mostly frequented by US peeps.

I could give you numerous other sites that are frequented by first mothers that lost children to adoption - and most of them would say that they find the term extremely offensive.

Ultimately - they are the one's that are being called that - and if they don't like it - I won't call them that.

Did you lose/give a child up to adoption?

Answer 8

the history and connotation of the word reduces women who gave birth to simply an "act."  it's equivalent to using the term "stud" to refer to an animal.  

also, people use the term prematurely (while a woman is pregnant) and it's often used to "shape" the woman's role duing her pregnancy, during delivery and after birth.  many aparents feel overly entitled to the child once that term is placed on a woman, and quite frankly, i've delivered 3 children and NEVER (including the child i considered placing for adoption) been referred to as a birth mother by any entity but the adoption agency.

some other examples are:

the use of "indian" vs. "native american"--some don't understand why that's offensive

the use of "oriental" vs. "asian"--some don't understand why that's offensive

it's an issue about cultural sensitive. that's all.

people use the term because it's popular.  that doesn't make it right.

ps. "firstmother" is not about rank...it's about seriation. in that, the woman who carried, labored and birthed the child was the child's first mother.  the woman who adopted is the child's second mother.  doesn't mean that the adopted mother is a "lesser mother"; yet outlines the unique and highly nuanced nature of adoption--there are two sets of parents.

ETA: "Tish- I am in the U.S and i have never heard those examples you gave as offensive. I was a pottery student and had Indian/native American classmates. Also in the University i knew Asians. I have personally not heard of those terms being offensive."

--we must agree to disagree, then.  i lived in northeastern ohio, wyoming, pennslyvania and have a large, ethnically diverse pool of associates.  many (especially those who protested "chief wahoo" of the cleveland indians; and found the term "oriental" outdated) do not prefer to be called those terms.

ps. pottery was something i've always wanted to try.

pss. regarding RAL:  it's respectful to whom?  those who are not birthing the children, i suspect.  

and...i know plenty of amoms who would NEVER refer to their children's fmother as "birthmother."

also, RAL was developed by the adoption industry. and just because it's "respectful adoption language" doesn't mean it's not offensive.

an example: during slavery, many white politicians felt that blacks were 3/5th of a human and property. also many believed (and was supported by "medical professionals") that blacks had primitive nervous systems; hence, why the physical torture during slavery had to be more severe. i can attest that a) i am fully human, and b) i feel pain.

my point, when others who are not a member of the group being defined, any law/rule or "language" made for this absent group is suspect.

Answer 9

adoption.com is a WEB site that is owned by the adoption industry, so one would expect them to label women with so-called "respectful" adoption language.  The "birth" terms were forced on relinquishing families by the industry and their customers (adoptive parents).  If you read farther on adoption.com, you will find that many of the co-called "birthmothers" who participate there refuse to accept the "birthmother" label and call themselves first mothers, including one of the bloggers.

I stopped using the terms after reading a heart-felt article from a mother who lost her child to adoption and understanding that it is important to respect all sides of the adoption triad - not just the industry and adoptive parents.

Answer 10

Thanks for those sites. They do apear to have many users who have relinquished a child. I do believe those opinions count too.

ETA

Possum- So whats your point with the first site being from U.K ? Aren't there senstive people too. Or are all senstive people only on yahoo?

The other site has an open forum with birth mothers too. Or do they not count for you?

Answer 11

because it is offensive to many. I don't call people names that offend them even if it is easier or more comfortable to me. Its really a matter of empathy, compassion and good morals.