Why is there a double standard in genealogy for adoptees?

Question

Heather's question yesterday on why do adoptees search:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ap8xKO52g0cZZc55fl8a4jTsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20080515041405AApMa7R

Made me think of another question.

Why is it acceptable for non-adopted people to spend money on genealogy searches, spend countless hours online and at archives pouring over old public records, and travel far distances to visit the graves or villages of relatives they've never met - but when adoptees do it, it's questioned?

Where does that double standard come from?

Answer 1

Good question! In my opinion (I haven't done any research on this, so it's JUST my opinion), there is a double standard because others think: "You already have a family. Why not leave well enough alone?" Or "You are really going to hurt your adoptive parents' feelings by searching." I was not adopted and I am interested in my heritage. I adopted my son and know next to nothing about his heritage. I wish I knew something so that I could share it with him! If he chooses to search when he's older, I will fully support him. I hope this double standard is changing. People have a right to know who they are culturally and where they come from.

Answer 2

Teresa,

I have no clue. There is a double strandard, isn't there. If someone wants to search they shouldn't be question about loyalty to their adoptive parents. It's not about that. i can truthfully say that i'm not disloyal to my adoptive parents. I love them very much! the fact that i searched does not mean i loved them less, or that i was looking to replace them. i searched because i had a lot of questions that only my mother could answer. that is the bottom line.

Answer 3

I don't see anything wrong with adoptees seaching but they should be prepared that some family members may not want to be found. If your parents gave you up and they are still alive when you find them there is a chance you will be rejected by them. I don't think the issue is them searching. It's can they handle what they find.

Answer 4

I'm searching right now and I have received nothing but positive feedback.  My parents, friends, family all think it's great.  My kids are especially curious to find out what their heritage is.  Honestly, what anyone outside this circle thinks, is of no concern to me.  

I think that this "double standard" involves those who are trying to reunite. Sometimes people may feel that an adoptee is trying to impose themselves into another person's life.  This makes people feel uncomfortable.  This is different than merely doing a geneology search.  I'm not saying this attitude is right, just that it is something that is generally misunderstood.

Answer 5

What an absolutely GREAT QUESTION!  I've wondered this so many times myself. Not everyone is interested in genealogy, anthropology, archaeology, history, etc., (an answer to why some adoptees don't search).

It's not b/c those adoptees are happier, more well adjusted, more bonded to their adopted families, less "angry, bitter, or ungrateful".  It's just because they aren't interested! Just as some people aren't interested in the topics listed above.  

People don't just look for graves or villages of relatives, they find distant relatives who embrace them as 'long lost' family!  I have friends who traveled to Italy to a small town that had many residents with their last name. When the town found out their sir name, they were treated like honored guests & long lost family.  Even after several generations born in America! And you know those people were VERY DISTANT relations. Why all the joy?

Another friend had a grandfather (who'd passed on many years earlier) born in a small Greek town.  When she visited that small town, her grandfather's 2nd or 3rd cousin was waiting for her to arrive.  The hotel staff knew he was waiting for her! Everyone in the town knew she was coming. She spoke no Greek, & he no English. Through a translater with a bit of struggle, she got to hear stories about her grandfather's childhood days growing up in Greece.

To the AP who wrote, "In a way, it's almost an insult too, that the child doesn't accept the family that raises it, loves it, and cares for it like their own.", I really feel sad for you!  An insult? Seriously?  Having an interest in our heritage & genealogy does NOT mean we don't accept our (adopted) family!  That's just CRAZY!  It's more akin to looking for distant relatives.  

As an adoptee, I'd feel insulted if my own family, the one I was raised with & grew up in, the one I love & care for AS MY OWN -  didn't understand my NATURAL curiosity & interest and tried to make it ALL ABOUT THEM instead of just a part of my life.

Answer 6

Sometimes adoptive parents are trying to protect their kids when they don't want them to find their bio parents.  Fear of the unknown has always happened in our minds, and by letting your child open up doors that might get slammed in their faces, and do further damage can really hurt.  In a way, it's almost an insult too, that the child doesn't accept the family that raises it, loves it, and cares for it like their own.  I know my adopted son is loved by 4 different generations in our family, and I know that his bio grandmother also loves him.

Answer 7

Where does the double standard come from?

Adoptive parents' fear of being replaced.  "Our" fears have guided (damaged) the adoption industry standards for far too long.

We can choose to own our fears, understand who they belong to (i.e. they do NOT belong to our children), and take responsibility for our own feelings.

We can also choose to recognize that our childrens' history doesn't belong to US.  Your genealogy, history, family tree, etc. belong to YOU, and we don't really have the right to stick our feet in that door.

Ownership, accountability, responsibility.  What's yours is YOURS, not mine, and I can provide a whole heck of a lot of support and love while staying out of what's YOURS.  And what's mine is MINE, and I can choose to love and live beyond my fears, and without asking YOU to deal with what belongs firmly in MY lap.

Hope that made sense.

Answer 8

Yes, absolutely there is a double standard.  I occasionally do library searches for friends when I visit obscure places.  If you tell the librarian you are searching for a first mom or an adoptee, the librarian suddenly stops being helpful. As long as you just say you are doing genealogical research, many avenues are opened up with suggestions of other places to search.

The thing is, people who have done genealogical searches have also found negative things or been rejected often because there were past feuds.  I don't see it as much different.  The hatred my cousins encountered from their relatives was incredible (due to feud that started during WW2, no less).

Answer 9

Unfortunately, I think this is just one of many double standards when it comes to adoptees.