Why is there a double standard?

Question

A man asked a question earlier about if it was right that his wife (who made more money than him) did not want to contribute to his daughter's college fund but was putting money away for the child that they shared. I have to be honest that I was shocked by many responses that it was "her" money and that his kid was "his" problem.

My husband and I have 5 kids. Two are kids from our previous marriages and three we share together. We are far from wealthy but we have set up a savings account for each child and put the same amount in each month. My husband's parents also contribute to these accounts on their birthdays and during Christmas time.

I guess that I am bothered that so many people think so little of the welfare of a stepchild. Another poster (to that question) pointed out that if a man were the breadwinner and treated his stepchild differently, then the answer would be that he was a jerk. I agree.

What are your thoughts on this? Do stepkids deserve equal treatment? Should they be punished because their birth parent does not make a substantial amount of money? Do women have the right to call the money they earn "theirs"?

Answer 1

I know what question you are referring to and I was disappointed in some of the answers myself.

My husband and I are a blended family as well and we treat ALL of the kids the same. They also have savings accounts and will have access to their moneies when they graduate. It is not alot but it shows that we care about ALL of them.

I would NEVER feel like a good wife or mother if I told my husband, "This is MY money and that is not my kid..."

How shallow....and so unfortunate for the child.

People need to get back to the basics of love and family dynamics and stop with the righteousness and greed.

Answer 2

If I was to marry a woman that had kids I would say its up to her and her ex to put them through college. My kids are already costing me a fortune there.

I cant believe some of these responses & thumbs down Why would I put someone elses teens through college when their real mother and father are capable of doing it? They are NOT my kids! Hellooooo, anyone home? I think some of you are unrealistic dreamers that live in some other reality.

Answer 3

all children in the relationship should be treated as equal step half whatever if my husband treated my oldest which is from my first marriage differently i would have never married him as for the money i earn its ours and so is his i guess everyone is different  

Answer 4

okay first of all college is affordable to everyone, we just have to work to pay off our lones afterwards...My parents did not have money to send me and I am NOT voting for Obama, bc I think it is wrong that my taxes should pay for everyone's higher education. IF we are not born into money we have to work hard to make it, BUT if we dont work then we'll never achieve anything. The problem is everyone wants to be lazy! and those who work end up paying for those who rely on big government!

OKAY now for the question. I do not believe this my kid our kids, your kids thing works. If she married him knowing he had children she married him understanding that she was now going to be a part of their lives and in essence help raise, love, and PROVIDE for them. I did not have my college paid for, I had to take out lones, but I know both my mom and my step dad wished they could have paid for it. The moment you seperate your's mine ours is the moment you divide your family and division only brings failure.

I believe she is wrong, but more than that, I believe they were wrong for entering into marriage without discussing this first.

I just feel sorry for the kids.

Answer 5

I think that every family dynamic is different and there could be different responses that make sense for each one.  

I answered a very similar question from a woman the other day.  She had a 16 year old daughter, was receiving $1200/mo in child support and her ex earned $60K/year.  She admittedly earned minimum wage.  Her ex was remarried and, according to her, earned $110K/year.  She was admittedly receiving above the court ordered amount for child support.  Her daughter wanted a car for her 16th birthday and she couldn't afford it.  Her ex told her that he wasn't going to contribute for a car because he was already paying considerably more than had been ordered and told her that she should manage her money more wisely.  She wanted to know if this was fair, considering that her ex's wife earned as much as she did and that said wife was putting money into college savings for the child she and him had together.

Now, I do feel sorry for children who are caught in the middle of situations like the one above.  I do not, however, believe that anyone should put themselves into a situation whereby they are being taken advantage of.  In the case above, the ex and his wife would be foolish to help this woman who wasn't helping herself.  All it would accomplish is enabling an already bad situation.  Sadly, the situation in the question I answered the other day is more common than the one you noted.  I think people tend to assume the worst when answering questions of that nature.

Answer 6

any time money is treated as his or hers there will be problems, or there are already problems that are causing this his/her thing to exist.

all money should be pooled for expenses and if a personal petty cash account is set up thats fine but neither party where both are contributing should consider their money discretionary.

your situation is a little different and one that i dont have experience with.  i dont believe a college fund is something that is really costly (like a prepaid program here in fla) but is so important that stepchild or not, it should not be denied.  good luck to you.  

Answer 7

As usual Anji makes nothing but sense in her post.  That woman ought to write a relationship blog.  

Truthfully I come from a working class background & never bought into American materialism.  In my opinion, we make money far too important.  When a child suffers because of a selfish "me and my money" attitude it really breaks my heart.  I don't know why we have become so selfish, materialistic & jaded in this so-called "land of plenty" but we have.

On a similar vent, my mother has been in a committed relationship with a man who refuses to marry her only because of debts that she incurred when my father passed away for the medical bills not covered by his insurance.  You only have my word to go on it but my mother is not only a great woman, she is also salt of the earth.  She worked 2 jobs at the end of my father's life just to pay for medicine he needed that wasn't covered by his insurance.  I don't hate the man she's with now & support her fully moving on.  I just wish people didn't make money the be-all end-all.  I guess the moral of the story for you & I not to fall into this trap one day.  Sounds like that's never gonna happen up in your crib!!

Answer 8

I know many couples who call their paychecks "theirs".  And these relationships have lasted years!!!

None of them I know though, do NOT have step kids to deal with.

I'm sorry, but I don't think it's a step parents place to do what you say.  They can at their own decritions, but to do it, no.  The childs real parent should.   The step parent doesn't have rights in a court of law!!  They are there to help keep a roof over the childs head and see their not neglected when they marry, but as far as put money in a account for kids that aren't theirs, I feel they shouldn't HAVE to.    

They of course deserve equal treatment, but maybe not bank accounts!

Answer 9

I think the bigger issue here is making college tuition affordable to EVERYONE, not just the kids of the breadwinners.

Obama '08

Answer 10

i am engaged to a man who has 2 kids from a previous marriage... in the future, we plan on having a couple of kids of our own.. i just had this conversation with my soon to be step kids last night - i told them that if me and their father have kids, tose kids will be their siblings, tho half blood, still their siblings... my older sisters have a different father from me, but they are my family, and we are sisters.. if i marry him, they are a part of him, why should i treat his kids any different then my own? true, it gets a little iffy in the dicipline area, but, if i am in charge while their dad is away, and they are growing up with me, then they will get treated the same as i would any child who was in my care!!! i wouldnt be able to comprehend not sharing my $$ or whatever i had with my family - step kids are family too, i think!!!