Why is there such a big difference in when adoptees find out that they are adopted?

Question

Some adoptees know their entire lives, for as long as they remember. Some answers today were from people saying that 9 is too young to "tell them"!!

Why would you keep it/make it into a secret?

Answer 1

because these kids are finding out the people they have lived with for so long are not there real parents!!

Answer 2

I've known all my life - but I also know many that found out very late in life.

It's tragic for those that find out their entire life was a lie.

The main reason would be that the adoptive parents want to 'pretend' that the child is biologically their own.

Lies and secrets always comes out.

Everyone deserves to know their own truth - no matter the details.

ETA: to keep it a secret - is to make it 'not right'. Therefore the adoptee - once they find out - would always feel that they are 'wrong'.

Answer 3

they start to feel like they weren't wanted in life, and start wondering what happened to there real parent's and just wonder about things and want to see who there real parents were.

but you also don't want to keep it a secret to long, when they get older its harded to handle them and if they take it hard they;ll be so upset about it and take it out on you, or whoever and think you were keeping a secret from them.

Answer 4

You wouldn't, they will figure it out anyway.

Answer 5

Idk I was told when I was 3. It was kinda obvious since I had darker skin than any one in family Personal im glad I was adopted, my family was very poor and lived in a small village, so it all worked out.

Answer 6

We're not living in the mid century anymore. If adoption is kept from the child and treated as shameful then that's how the child will feel about it.

Adopted kids need to grow up knowing they were adopted. There's nothing to be ashamed about. If the parents embrace it so will the child.

Answer 7

I was told long before I even really comprehended what that word adoption really met.  I have 2 adopted children, that we told early as well- For me , I was glad to know early, because if it was kept from me, I might have thought it was something to be ashamed of-  what makes adoption so special to me is that I was chosen by my adoptive parents and we chose our kids- however if we had waited to tell them, I think that they would have thought, "what took them so long to share something, they were so excited about.?"

Answer 8

I know my mom kept it a secret and gave me major trust issues. She was partially truthful and kinda lied some. Children who are adopted are just as special if not more, because they are chosen by another. There are no mistakes, or happy accidents. Just pure love and want of a child. With that in mind I see no need for secrecy. It could just cause issues down the road. There is no big taboo anymore. It's not like everyone else doesn't know. You might as well be honest before someone else lets the cat out of the bag.

Answer 9

better to be told younger even if they don't understand.  That way, they have time to cope and develop over the years. If you wait till that person is a teenager or older, Its probably like being lied to your entire life.  Then you have all these analytical questions because your older.  When your younger you tend to just accept things.

Answer 10

I was told when i was about 3. I think it is better for the child to know early. If you lie to them then they find out latter that they are adopted then they will have MAJOR trust issues with you latter in life. In once istance i knew a kid that found out at 18 and hung himself. (not many cases are that bad but it is tramatizing to children who belived you to be their real parents for many many years to find out by accident that they are not). Yes many kids who are adopted have issues. They have alot of anger and abandoment issues. But if you adopt you have to be prepared for these things. Science has even found that kids that are never told have these issues. That many children sub concioulsly know that they are not their parent's child through birth. When you tell you child tell them that it was not because the other parent did not want them but that they could not care for them and that they are special because they were chosen to be with you and that you realy wanted that child. It is a tough thing to deal with but It is best done as i said before. as early as posible. Do not act ashamed of the issue. Show that you are PROUD to have adopted them. Give them as much love and understanding as posible.

Answer 11

I'm adopted and i knew all my life...My adoptive parents never wanted to hide it from me.

I don't think it should be kept a secret and the earlier the parents let them know, the better!

Answer 12

totally lost sarah

Answer 13

I do not remember when I was actually told, but I don't remember NOT knowing about it. I think it does work better to explain it in small increments throughout the child's life, starting at an early age. This helps to avoid making the child feel as though it is something they should be ashamed of, or that it is a secret. I don't think that very young children will understand a lot of it, but I think their questions should be answered to their level. I think it would really be a shock to be told at a later age such as 8 or 9, and they may have more difficulty absorbing the information. Plus, it would be terrible for them to find out from someone other than their parents (adoptive). Of course, I only have my experience to base this on, but this is how I would explain it.