Why is this happening to me ...please help me

Question

Hello ,

I’m writing I had a post earlier about being abused and recently I started thinking about being abused at 16 from one of my boyfriends at the time he asked to have s*x with me and got annoyed when I never bleed, and I said NO twice was this right for him to continue even though I said NO and let him continue?

He got really angry that I was not a virgin, he use to tie me up hold my mouth shut and throw sheets over me and make me watch dirty movies and ask me to do anal etc and I allowed this too happen

I can’t stop thinking about it .. it makes me feel so sick and dirty and the whole family were trying to brain wash me that my family is bad and my mum and dad are bad parents and to stay away from them and use to listen on the calls when mum rang me at his place and record it and he took advantage of me at the time and half the time he use to make me do dirty s*x acts. The same things that the guy did when I was molested at 11.

Is this because I was molested did I let him do this sick stuff to me????

My counseller said if the abuse at age 11 never happened to me, I never would have let this old boyfriend do what he did to me at all

When I was 11 yo I was molested at gunpoint by a family friend and he use to pick me up from school and pretend he was playing the playstation while he molested me in the bedroom and he would tie me up and he threated me if I told anyone that I would never see my family again and he will kill them all and hold the gun to my head at this stage I was so scared and find it hard day by day to get over this monster.

I see my social worker twice a week she is helping me with sketch pictures and diary input and cognitive behaviour therapy. And my pysctrist once a month

Its effected my relationship with my husband, I love him dearly and would like it back the way it was before I remembered all this.

He is the only guy that has never hurt me or made me do anything I didn’t want to, and I feel bad that I take out my past on him. Sometimes I see him as the guys that hurt me, and even in one of my episodes told people that he had done the same things as the guys that hurt me in my past. My mum even told me that I told her he raped me, which he would never do.

Can anyone tell me what to do to make my r/ship better with husband as it never stops with the 2 guys that hurt me its all I think about is that

Do you know what I can do to make it stop? I want it all to stop but I can’t do it I dream about it all night which caused me distress and to wake up all hours of the night and I think about it all day what should I do?

Any suggestions welcome. I need idea’s please help me

Britney

Answer 1

By all means please tell your therapists everything you can about your feelings and experiences. They will only give you better and more informed advice when you tell them. I take Effexor xr too but I don't know if you need more or not. If none of your therapists have told you this, remember that what happened was something they did to you, you didn't do it. The guys who molested and or raped you are sick, they don't have the ability to feel good without hurting someone else. its not your fault what happened. Even when you experienced more problems later, it is because you didn't know what else to do. As far has your husband goes, he must realize that you don't enjoy s*x because of what happend and that he shouldnt take it personally. If you could realize that actions are not you. Just like we have heard, You are a good person, and what happened does not change who you are. Take care, I hope you talk more with your counselors.

Answer 2

Best thing you can do is just continue with your therapy.   You had some horrible things happen to you and it's not going to go away overnight.  The good thing is that your working through it and not running away from it. It'll seem to him like it's getting worse the deeper you get but he should know that it's a sign that you're progressing.  You'll be in crisis alot but that's because you're dealing with horrific issues.  If he knows that it might help him deal.  He should seek counseling or at least a support group himself - it's pretty stressful.

There's a good book called "Allies in Healing" that might help your husband.