Why must you speak for me?

Question

I've been on here for a few weeks, just watching, and I'm in shock.

I am a birthmother who has chosen to place my daughter (8 years ago) and she has a wonderful life with 2 parents who love her and can give her EVERYTHING I couldn't. Yeah I wanted her to have vacations, an education, a family,Her birthfather was a married co-worker who wanted me to get an abortion. He let me know from the begining that if it got out, it would ruin me. (trust me he had connections)

I made the choice myself. I wasn't some nieve little girl who was talked out of her baby. I have a great relationship with her family. She's does thing I dreamed of as a child and she SO HAPPY!!!

I'm thankful everyday that this was an option for us I would have never made it through my residency with a baby at home.

I Would have had $200,000 in student loans and no job.

I find it offensive that all these "advocates" speak for me.

Do any other birthmothers feel the same way

Answer 1

People on here have very strong feelings for and against adoption.  Those against speak of anger, loss, some have said they wish their parents would have had an abortion.  On the other side of the street you have those who are grateful for being adopted and, love the people who raised them and are grateful their bio family gave them up.  Now you have yes stand up for how you feel but, also you have to be careful you don't let yourself start feeling bad for what is said.  I myself have adopted and, I am very much for it.  Take care and good luck....

Answer 2

I`m not speaking for you......just don`t tell her why you put her up for adoption, you`ll break her heart.. After all she`s your flesh and blood, she grew inside of you for 10 months, and you gave her away so you wouldn`t be in debt ???!! We`re all in debt?? You walk out the door and you`re in debt!! You buy a house and you`re in debt!!AND SHE WAS THE RESULT OF AN AFFAIR?? Boy, you`re a treat! I`m glad she was adopted, I hope her parents have moral values, and treat her like a human being not a liability...

Answer 3

I am happy for you that you have had a good experience with adoption.  But could you please acknowledge that is not true for thousands of "birth" mothers?  Many lose their beloved babies because they were victims of a corrupt adoption system (aggressive agencies and the desperate WEB trollers on YA who are desperate to get a baby on the cheap).

My daughter's best friend was convinced by her parents to give her baby away to a "nice" couple in exchange for an "open" adoption.  The "nice" couple disappeared with the baby and this poor girl does not even know whether her son is dead or alive.  I hope that this "nice" couple rots in the h**l that they created when our dear friend's son finds out how evil they are and returns to his real family.

Answer 4

People who are confident in their decisions are not affected by others opinions.

I don't have my kids in daycare.  I couldn't care less what anyone else says about it.  So if you're so pleased with your decision--why are you here, in the adoption section?

Who's the babydaddy--Tony Soprano?  C'mon!

Hey, I hope you learned about birth control during your residency--so you won't have to make another *happy* decision.

Answer 5

No offense but why were involed with a married co worker then got pregnant i know it's to late no i'm glade your daughter has a happy life and you get to see her but how are going to explain about her birth father is my Q.

Answer 6

I think the question a lot of advocates have is ultimately, on ANY level, was there ANY part of you that wanted to keep you're child? Was there any part of you that wanted to be a mother? Was there any part of you that wanted to be able to give her everything she deserves?

Because if so, we would have been at your side, trying to help you find those resources, because this day and age in the US, there are a LOT of possibilities. When we are pregnant and scared and we want to give our children the whole world, we don't always see them very clearly. There are cases where it's not possible to pull all the resources together, and adoption is the only real option, but those cases are much rarer than the level at which adoptions occur.

And if you DIDn't want to be a mother, then adoption was certainly the right choice for you beyond a shadow of a doubt. I don't think anyone here is trying to tell you that you should have kept your child if it would have damaged the child. We just want to make sure that we prevent as many women as possible from feeling forced into placing due to coersion OR circumstance!!!

So that everyone placing their children is doing it because they truly don't want to parent at all, NOT because they are worried about the money or where they will find emotional support/stability.

Answer 7

Who is speaking for you?  you seem to be doing a great job of speaking for yourself.

I think every mother does what she feels is best for her children and we all make different choices in life

I don't see why you feel you need to defend yourself and to whom; unless there is doubt in your mind that you did what is best for your child

Only your child will be able to tell you that when he or she is grown

Answer 8

Thank you for sharing your positive story on adoption.  I too feel disappointed at how many people have such a negative outlook on adoption.  My husband and I just adopted a beautiful baby girl almost 4 months ago and have a very good relationship with her birthmother.  We did not coerce her in any way to give her baby to us -- she lives about 1,000 miles away and we knew nothing of her until she contacted us via our adoption agency's website with the intent to place her child with us.  It has been a beautiful experience and our daughter, like yours, will get to know her birthmother throughout her life.  Thanks again for sharing a positive story.

Answer 9

I most certainly don't speak for you. I only speak for myself.

So you are happy you abandoned your child to further your education/career. Good for you, not good for your daughter.

I somehow think she will be less than thrilled to find out the reasons for her abandonment.

Answer 10

Who is speaking for you?  I have not seen anyone on Y!A speaking for you.  I certainly have not spoken for you.  It appears right here that you are capable of speaking for yourself.

I know what's done is done, but I do wonder why you felt the father had the power and you didn't.  After all, YOU could have ruined HIM - he was married!  You could have sued him for child support, too.

Then again, who wouldn't trade their flesh and blood for  $200k in student loans and a job?  It's a no-brainer.

Answer 11

i am an adoptee and thank God every day my parents gave me up for adoption. i could have been one of the sisters that was sexually abused or whatever and i had goo dlife that is what we should be concerned about and glad you have a good one with your child no one should be murdered there are other ways i am living proof.

Answer 12

I am so sorry that in this day and age there are still those of us who somehow must look down on the birthmothers who must make these crucial decisions!  

I am an adoptive mother....and EVERYDAY I think of my son's birthmother...thanking her and knowing that everyday she did make the right decision but she is the one NOT living with him, NOT sure exactly how he is, Not knowing if he will ever feel the need to look her up...  it is then even more heartbreaking when she is looked on as a failure because she couldn't do it all!!!  

My son is now 17.  I am thrilled to have been his mother and sad for his birthmother because she couldn't be there.  I had another child 19 months ago....I STILL feel a special bond with my oldest son...  and I "communicate" good thoughts and blessings to his other family.

Answer 13

well, i certainly hope you never advocate adoption THIS much infront of your surrendered child. It hurts.

Nobody wants to know their mother couldn't take care of them, and is happy about that decision. Don't you see the signifigant loss that has happened? I guess acknowledging that would just be too much, so lets fight against those who attempt at providing a chance for that 'loss' not to occour.

yes ladies please step aside, she speaks for herself.

Answer 14

NO I am not a birthmother but "I HEAR YA THOUGH"!!!!  OMG I agree with you 150%.  I really feel bad for the Birthmoms who have to read this c@#*........Thank you for sharing your story, it reminds me why I am doing this...meaning, its not as bad as it sounds on Y Q& A!!

EDIT: Jessica....had to laugh at the www.adopt a fkging ding dong, never heard that one before.  Is that what you consider my future child, a child placed for adoption?  Well dear, such harsh words from a "mother of loss".  Its very unbecoming.  Seems you may be displacing your own grief on me, try counseling.  BTW, even though you called me a jerk, judge me for my life choices and judge the questioner for her life choices, I still gave you a thumbs up JUST BECAUSE you you are a "mother of loss" and what you say means nothing ......how strong and brave you must have to be.

Answer 15

Some people consider their lifestyle more important than their children.

Some people consider their children more important than their lifestyle.

Answer 16

I feel the same way. i'm a birthmom of a baby and it seems like people know how we feel, what we think, why we chose adoption.... It's hard. i do love my baby and I wanted what was best for her, not me. I would have taken away from her life by keeping her. I'm a high school student and would not be able to have a proper education, have time for my baby, support myself and a child.... The birthfather is envolved and we wanted what was best for our child. We love that little girl more than anything. If we could, we would have kept her. It's not only affording a child, but the time with her. Where would she be while I'm at school, he's at work, I'm at work? I think it's important for a child to have 2 parents and people who can love and properly care for a child. I found a family with a stay at home mom so that my baby doesn't have to stay in day care forever. People don't consider all the aspects of adoption. Birthparents are not all heartless druggies, we cared enough for our baby to give him/her life. We wanted what was best for that precious little child. People don't know everything and shouldn't put words in our mouth. I have an open adoption and it's great. i get to watch my baby grow, I get emails and she'll know both the birthfather and I.

Answer 17

I would also never ever dream to speak for you.

You have made your choices and you seem content.

My mother WAS  naive young woman who WAS talked out of her baby.  Should I pretend that she wasn't to put you at ease?  Is that what you are saying here?

So now we know your reality and where you stand.

It would be interesting to hear what your daughter has to say about all this other than that she's "HAPPY".  But hey, you are debt free now so it's all good.  I'm sure that is a burden she is glad she didn't have to take on for you.

Thank you for sharing.

Answer 18

For your daughters sake - please make up a different story than that to tell her of why she is adopted one day.

Lie through your teeth if you have to.

Because that one would just really really hurt an adoptee.

*sad*

Answer 19

Who is speaking for you?

Personally, I have never once said that it's impossible for a woman to be sure she made the right decision. Recently I have said that if someone is considering relinquishing for adoption, they need to make sure they talk to birth moms who've lived with relinquishment for a while, because there is a chance recent birth moms are in the denial stage of grief or the shock of PTSD. That is very true. However, I did go out of my way to make it clear that that is not meant to discount everyone's experience... that not all birth moms who are secure in their decision are necessarily in denial or shock. But statistically, it is true, more of us come to regret the decision the more time that passes, so it's something I think pregnant women considering adoption need to know.

I don't understand being unhappy with people who want to make adoption better. If you had a great experience, were not coerced, and are firm in your choice, that is fabulous--I mean that sincerely. Wouldn't you wish that for all birth moms? Not all birth moms have that. Many do not--many ARE either subtly or overtly coerced. So what is wrong with people advocating for laws that will ensure more women can choose without pressure and with fully informed consent?

I have never once claimed my experience is the universal birth mother experience, and I never will. I do, however, think my experience is more common than it should be, and for that reason, when someone asks what my experience was like, I will answer. I'll put the disclaimers if you want (as I usually do), but I'm not going to just sit on my hands and not answer just because it conflicts with other birth moms' experiences. Again... for those of you who chose freely, without pressure, without coercion, and have no regret? Great. Don't you wish that for everyone?

Answer 20

I am thrilled that adoption worked for you. I put my child up in 1972, I was a naive teen. I'm sorry I did it, but I have since found her in 2001. She's an adult with kids of her own, I am her friend. I lost a lot of years beating my self up for the decision I made. I went through a lot of sadness but counseling helped. Everyone is different in how they cope, unfortunately mind turned into depression. I'm thankful you were able to put your child up for adoption too. We always hope for the best. My daughter has feelings of abandonment, she went through years of hating me. We certainly don't know all there is to know on the ramifications of adoption either on the child or the birthmother.

Answer 21

I don't know who is speaking for you, I am certainly not.

I can say I am really glad my mother didn't give me away for  a residency and say that it would have cost her $200,000.00 dollars worth of student loans to keep me.

I had a baby as a young woman too, my guess is considerably younger than you because a residency wasn't even on the horizon at the time.

I was an adoptee who grew up with vacations, and they didn't mean near as much to me as losing my family.

You know if you had played your cards right, you possibly could have sold your daughter and used the money to pay for an education, I heard of a woman trying to do this recently, although I think she was only asking for $25,000.00

Personally, I wouldn't give my child away for all the money in the world, but hey we are all different.

I certainly don't speak for you, I can't relate to people who could put a price on a child.

To each his own.

When she is an adolescent though, you might refrain from telling her that you gave her to strangers to avoid taking out a loan, not everyone is as friendly with that kind of crassness.

eta:  Is having one eye open symbolic of anything?  Just curious

To:  Jessica---I agree, I don't hold the opinion that trolling for a baby is fighting the good fight either.