Why open adoption?

Question

I'm an adoptee, twice over. I was adopted age 6 months, after my parents died, but something happened and I was sent back to the foster care homes, and adopted again when I was 4 1/2.

I have no borth parents to compare it with, but I do have the people that originally adopted me.

What I want to know is, why do people want 'open' adoptions? The concept to me is just bizzare.

From the Bmothers point of view, if you don;t want to care for, lok after, or have a relationship with your child, why all the fuss about being in contact and having a relationship with them?

As for the Amother, why would you want your child to have a relationship with someone that's already rejected that, rejected the chance to bring the baby up.

From my point of view, my first Aparents gave up any right to have contact with me when they gave me up. They gave up any rights to a relationship when they didn't want to look after me anymore.

Answer 1

I am a prospective adoptive parent who believes in open adoption in MOST cases.  Here's what I think:

* Children have a right to know where they came from, who they are, and be connected to their culture of origin.  By continuing a relationship with their birth family, they learn who they are without having to always wonder.  Open adoptions allow the child to celebrate being part of two families without the shame of wondering why they were "given away."  

* For the adoptive parents- I never want my children to glorify their birth family or search longingly for them.  

* For the birth family- Wanting a better life for your child does not mean that you don't love them.  I would imagine it would be hard not to know where they are.  We had a failed adoption (the birth mother changed her mind after a few weeks).  I know that for the rest of my life, there will be a hole in my heart the shape of our little boy and that must be the way that birthmother's feel.  

Adoption is not about who gets to "own" the child but about building families.  Great question!

Answer 2

I love Florida but it is not possible for me to live there.

I visit Florida when I can and think of it when I'm not there.

Answer 3

Outstanding question - I share a lot of your ambivalence about the concept.

I do think you are wrong in assuming that the birth mother "doesn't want" to care for the child. Every birth mother I know who has given her child up [several dozen] was not in the position to raise the child. "Want" usually had nothing to do with it.

Sometimes the mother dies and the father relinquishes the children. Sometimes the mother is psychologically incapable of caring for anyone, even herself. Sometimes the mother in institutionalized [prison, mental institutions]. Sometimes Mom is too young and wants to get on her with life without being burdened by a baby and this is her alternative to abortion. Sometimes the child is the result of violent rape and  adoption is the mother's alternative to abortion.

I am sure there are many more reasons. Let's give the birth mothers a break here.

Answer 4

I must say that I agree with you on some levels. I agree that if a birth mother just plain and simple does not want the child, then an open adoption should not be done.

I dont agree that all birth mothers just didnt want to bring up their child though, although some people are blind to the FACT that their are birth mothers out their who willingly signed the child over. Never mind, thats anouther storey.



Some times open is good, sometimes its bad.

Answer 5

You do sound bitter.

You appear to make the assumption that people give children up for adoption because they don't want them.  My mother didn't give me up because she didn't want me.  She wanted a husband and the man who she fell in love with refused to take her children.  I believe she suffered great sorrow at giving us up.  

I believe in open adoption, but that recontact with parents should require obtaining consent of the parent.  My mother I suspect would be mortified if I contacted her because of how bad I believe she felt at letting us go.  I would respect her desire to not meet, but lack of open adoptions, and the difficulties getting information on my birth parents due to not being able to open my records easily, means I have not been able to locate my sibilings, and I miss my sisters severely.  

My mother wanted to look after me; she couldn't afford the cost of caring for us when she got divorced from our dad.  

Open adoption would allow me to find my siblings.

If my mother is still alive (which she might not be), it would also allow me to send her a mother's day card letting her know I respect her and understand she made a decision she felt she had to make, but didn't want to.

cw

Answer 6

I have a cousin who was adopted as a baby, his birth mother looked him up a few years back, they have talked on the phone, emailed, kept in touch, he was told he was adopted from the time he was very little and whenever he would get mad he would threaten to go find his REAL mom. lol, my aunt is the only mom he's ever known. She died a year ago, I think it is nice he has a relationship with his biological mother now. She will never replace his adoptive mother, but at least they are building a different type of relationship.

He never would tell his adopted mom (my aunt) that his biological mother and he were talking because he was afraid it might hurt her. I think now she would be glad to know he has a substitute.

My daughter was adopted by her step-dad, her biological father is not applicable, however she often asks about him, what was he like, she is 14 years old, we do not know any  kind of medical history about him, luckily I know how to reach him, but the point is, without open adoptions things like this are not always possible. My daughter loves her stepdad, he is the only father she has,,,, but is normal to be curious and I think a good thing to get questions about yourself answered.

Answer 7

Ok, well, the situation I'm in now, I'm very young and at University, and I don't have a lot of money. If I did get pregnant, I'd want to keep the child, but I know it wouldn't be fair, as I probably wouldn't be able to give it the best possible life. So, I'd still want my child to know I exist, and I'd like to know how they're doing progress wise etc etc. It would reassure me that I'd made the right choice.

Answer 8

Giving up a child does NOT mean you don't want the child. Gvining the child up is about not being abel to take care of the child (in most circumstances)  I will use an exampel

My friend was 19 had parents that were unsupportive whe was working two jobs and going to college paying her way with no student loans. She became pregant while using protection and knew she could not  take care of the child. She had an open adoption which was kept. She gets photos updates and is invited to big events.   She did what she thought and continues to think is/was the best thing for her child.  She did not have to drop out of school go on welfare and become a statisic  giving her child and her a hard upbrining and the child got a great home

Answer 9

I'm not sure either.  In my mind it's almost like they want the best of both worlds.  They want or need to have someone else raise the child but they want to remain in their life.

Both of my adoptions are closed, or perhaps I should say partially closed.  My oldest will never be able to find her birth parents because no records were kept in the country she was adopted from.

My youngest will know the good about her birth parents but I will protect her from the rest which is bad, and there is a lot of bad to protect her from.  Both of her birth parents wanted an open adoption however it's ultimately our choice.  If they want to send letters to social services who will then forward them on to us that fine but given their history I doubt that they will even go to that effort.  

I'm all for providing info to the child as far as their medical and genetic history is concerned but to say that adoptions will be open accross the board is wrong in so many cases.   I would never imply that a birth mother has "rejected" a child because in some cases, probibly many cases, there was no rejection...only a thought towards what was best for the child.  At the same time though, if there is to be any contact it must be in the best interest of the child.

Answer 10

Because every child deserves to know who they are, where they came from and the truth of their origins

Answer 11

There were no opened adoptions when I placed my daughter so I have to admit I am a little confused by the whole concept myself. Most parents don't just give their children away with out a lot of thought first. Some are taken away but the ones that are given are given with the love and hope that they will be taken care of in a much better fashion than what the first parents could afford. It's not about toys, it's about daipers, food, shots, family support, etc...

Your first parents didn't leave you and had they not died you  probably would have stayed with them. I am truely sorry for your loss. Your second parents, since they wanted a child in the first place probably had something serious happen and they were put in the same position most first parents are put in. They probably had to choose to give you more than they could afford to give, not monitarily, but maybe physically. Without answers to these questions I can see why you would be bitter.

It is a tough decision for most first parents to give up a child and it is one that is not made lightly. Some first parents self medicate and destroy themselves for years after making that decision. Some kids have trouble adjusting in a new family. Opened adoption keeps parent and child in contact with one another so that they can both have more peace of mind and live not great,but somewhat better adjusted lives. It has taken years of closed adoptions and its side affects to bring this to light. It is difficult for everyone but best over all if an adoption is going to take place. Of course staying with your original family would be best, but sadly that isn't always possible.

Answer 12

I too am an adoptee and the concept of open adoption makes sense to me. I think that any child in the position of being an adoptee can benefit from as much "parental" interaction as possible, and if it takes two sets of part-time parents to get the child what it needs, so be it.

   Unfortunately your experience has left you bitter and it doesn't have anything to do with lack of coffee.

    What it does have to do with is assumptions that you have made with regards to your biological parents. By your own admission the fact that they put you up for adoption means that they rejected you and didn't want to look after you. The fact is that they probably couldn't look after you for some reason and did you a big favor by trying to set you up with someone that could.

       Although adoption is difficult , you have to put things in perpective and appreciate the big picture. If you're doing ok in life, then thank your lucky stars because you're probably doing better than your biological parents, and most of the oppurtunities you've had are probably as a result of having been adopted.

       The key to living your life peacefully is letting go... keeping hate in your heart will hurt you in the long run. Free yourself and enjoy life.

Answer 13

I do not agree with open adoptions simply because they aren't legally enforceable and depend completely on the whims and wishes of a!parents. To me, that makes it seem like "open adoption" is yet another "marketing technique" to get women to part with their children.

Answer 14

I agree with john n. Maybe u could join a group of adoptees . It might help u.

Answer 15

For me:  I don't have contact with my son, but I get updates from family.  I know he is being taken care of.  I didn't want to place my baby, but I had to do what was best for HIM, not me.  Also, I know where he is and what he looks like.  I'm not walking down the street wondering if that's my son or not.

There are a lot of adopted children (now adults) upset because they cant find their b-parents.  My son's parents know exactly where to find me when he's ready.  

When it comes to adoption, most parents do it because they love their child more than themselves and want them to have a better life then what we could provide for them.  You're making it sound like the child was a burden and we just decided to throw them away.  It is faaaar from that!  I love my child dearly and can't wait to reunite with him.