Why should birthparents have rights once they give their babie up?

Question

l'm not saying l don't feel for them, l do, but l think it's unfair to want your cake and eat it too. Just because you had the baby, if you choose not to keep it, it's not yours any longer. Some birthmothers keep act like they have a stake in that child's life and they don't, they're not the parents anymore.

Answer 1

Legally, in the eyes of the court...once your parental rights are terminated...you are not a parent to that child and you have absolutely NO rights what so ever to that child.

Answer 2

I agree but to many adoptions are now becoming "open" adoptions and I think that will confuse a child more than a closed one.  Once the child is adopted out the birthparents have NO rights until the child is 18 and wants to find them but rights are not re-established ever.

Answer 3

I agree.  I think that once you make the decision to adopt then you should be forced to sign papers saying you won't get in your adoptive child's life and that you agree to sign your rights away as soon as the child is born.  That would make it a lot easier for people to adopt newborns in USA because they wouldn't have to worry about their baby being taken back by the birth mother.

Answer 4

I agree, legally they do not have any rights after they have signed their termination of parental rights.

However, we are in an open adoption and my children's birthmother gets to see her children (yeah, I said "her" because they are hers too - not legally, but she gave birth to them and I will never minimize that fact around her or the children) often.  She does not make parenting decisions, but she is always "in the know" when it comes to our children.

Answer 5

She shared her body with a child for 9 mos and made the agonizing decision to give him/her up out of deep love and concern. That is profound and that is what a mother does.

Transferring legal rights, a social construct, does not erase the fact that there is a natural love and bond there. Someone who could do such a thing, and then cease caring is probably mentally ill

Many of us adoptive parents honor and cherish our children's first mothers and other bio family members, they gave us our greatest joy and suffered a great loss. We have a fully open, extended family type relationship with our sons first family, and believe it will enrich all of our lives.

You sound angry at mothers who choose to place their children, why should they be punished for making a sacrifice they feel is in their child's best interests? Isn't that what a mother does?

Answer 6

I agree, but that is just how it works. Most judges would not give the birth parents any rights.

Answer 7

If the parents gave up the baby it was because they wanted something better for them. The child is not yours physically, but you will always have a tie to them, and I think its normal for any human being to still have feelings for their child.

Answer 8

They don’t have rights their paternal rights are completely terminated.  Even in open adoption there are many where it’s just curtsey and not enforced if the adopted parents want to cease it, after all  parents get to decide who has contact with their children. Even if there is a contract adopted parents can go to courts and have it revised or thrown out.

Answer 9

If the agreement was an open adoption, the adoptive parents AGREED to keep the birthmother's involved. Even in states with laws that protect that contract, they are often not enforced and the a-parents lock her out of contact.   Does that seem fair? It's not.

Answer 10

i also agree with you. once they give the baby up they shouldent have anything to do with it. should have thought about before they gave it up.

Answer 11

Sometimes it makes it easier for them to make the desicion to make an adoption plan.  And in many cases, it is helpful for the child to know at least who the birthmother is.  It prevents the fantasies that you normally see in adopted children who have never met their birth family.  I think it's easier for both sides being able to know that the other person is doing OK.

Answer 12

What everyone is neglecting to address so far is the child.  My brother is adopted and I would bet his life would have been much less stressful for him if he had been able to understand where he came from.  

This topic isn't about what's best for the biological parents or the adoptive parents, but what is best for the child.

And people's assetertation that the birth mother gave up her child - too bad for her, is the most insensitive thing that can be said about this situation.

Answer 13

I think some of the responses parents have left to this question are so wonderful. To the parents who responded to this question by sharing w/us how they have opened up their's and their children's lives by including birthmothers in those lives: Thank you! Thank you for sharing your stories and also for being the open minded progressive thinking individuals you are. The world needs more people like you! I know this isn't really an answer to the question that was asked. But after reading some of the reply's I just felt I had to say something.

Answer 14

Absolutely not!!  Birthparents who sign that document that states they relinquish all rights to the child, should be the last final time that there is any sort of contact with the child.  

However, if agreed upon between the judge and the two parties (the adoptive parents and the birthparents), there can still be some sort of communication between the two parents.  The BM can ask for pics of birthday's, graduations, just plain old photos of the child growing up, as well report cards, etc..This sort of contact is ONLY between the parents, and never divulged to the child.  

Birthparents should not be allowed to do this, but this is commonly done.

Answer 15

This question could easily be turned right around and used against the adoptive parents.  

"Why should adoptive parents have all the rights once they adopt the baby?  Not saying I don't feel for them, I do, but I think it's unfair to want your cake and eat it too.  Just because you adopt the baby, if you choose to keep it, it's not completely yours either.  Some adoptive parents keep acting like they have the only stake in that child's life and they don't, they're not the only parents."

Seriously though, the child will always have adoptive and biological parents.  The child will always have nurture and nature.  It cannot be erased even when evidence of biological roots is attempted to be discarded.

Furthermore, part of the coercive nature used against mothers placing their children for adoption is promises of contact.  Promises are made with no intention of following through once the adoption is finalized.  Accountability needs to happen in those circumstances.

Answer 16

Legally, once a birth parents' parental rights are terminated, they do not have any legal rights to the child.

Answer 17

what about parents who could not get their kids returned after child services takes them and the kid end up getting adopted?  even when the parents clean up their act.

just cuz a child is adopted, it doesn't mean the parents " gave their kid up"

Answer 18

A child is never "adopted out".  And I will tell you I am not having my cake and eating it too.  Far from it.  I am still her mother and she is being raised by her parents.  She will NEVER question who she is, where she came from.  OR her medical history.  There is no reason for her not to know these answers before she turns 18.  There is no confusion on who her parents are.

Answer 19

First of all, yes, they are still parents!  Adoption is a form of parenting!  It is when a birthparent makes a lifelong, loving plan for their child's life:  To have a couple become the lifelong, day to day parents of their child.  But that does not negate, or remove, the fact that this child ALSO has birthparents.  Now, this child has two moms who love him/her, , etc.  Any attitude of "it's not yours any longer" completely looses sight of what adoption is.  It is a mutual, loving sharing, really.  And the CONDITIONS of that sharing are spelled out in the mutually agreed upon Continuing Contact Agreement that is talked about, discussed, and decided upon usually before birth or at least before placement.  Which may be no contact, photos and letters.  Or it may be occasional visits, or yearly photos,  It is whatever the birthmother wants and the adoptive parents support/want as well.  Generosity has to be a part of any adoption plan, and a mutual respect.  Experience and research shows most birthmothers lessen the contact after placement, bowing to the fact that they know their child is ok, loved and has everything they need for the rest of their lives.  Due to the love and sacrifice from each of their parents.  Have a stake in their child's lives?  Of course, for without that "stake" as you say, there is no child, there is no adoption, there is no stable, secure life full of so much love!

Answer 20

i kinda have to agree with you, but as years passes by they wonder how their baby is doing or how they look.  i would truly miss mine if i did that. but i do agree that once the give them up they are not their parents anymore. some children that gets or got adopted and the wonder were their birth parents are. i have several friends that wonder where their adopted mother is or wonder why they gave up on them. they blame themselves and say why didn't my parents want me or do they hate me? i think its nice that the parent says i want to know how my child is and give them an explanation of why i did what i did. i feel they do need an explanation intead of a child blaming themselves for the rest of their lives.

Answer 21

i placed my child in an open adoption, but i'm not trying to "have my cake and eat it too", if that's how you want to refer to open adoptions. i don't not have any say in how my son's parents chose to raise him, nor do i wish to intrude in their life in anyway. before my son was born, we all came to an agreement of how we would remain in contact and it has been wonderful so far. and that's how open adoptions should be and that's how birthparents' rights should be recognized. but birthparents do not rights to raising their children unless the adoptive parents invite them to.

i do not think it is fair the way some of your are treating birthparents. some of you make very insensitive comments, but it appears that you have no personal knowledge in which to base your opinions.

but on the flipside, it is really refreshing to read some well wirtten and thoughtout comments about birthaparents by people who have been involved in adoption.

Answer 22

It depends on the type of adoption.  An open adoption is one where there is limited contact with the birth mother.  My cousin gave her baby up in an open adoption.  The boy understands that she was the birth mom and has met the whole family, he even came to her sisters wedding.  She does not actively participate in his life, but she receives letters and pictures and an occasional visit.

Some people have very open adoptions where the birth mother is considered extended family and they stay very close.  Others in an open adoption send letters and pictures but do not allow visits.  In these adoptions the terms are hammered out prior to the birth of the child, it is an agreement between the birth mother and the adoptive parents.

Other adoptions are closed and the birth mother will see her child only right after birth and then give up rights for the rest of the child's life.  

I believe the type of adoption you go through depends on you, if you want closed adoption then you can go that route, but if I were to give up a child I would want to meet the parents and know how they were raising the baby.