Why should divorced parents wait to date - i dont mean rebound dating, but why does the kid need to be older?

Question

if they start seeing other people, and make sure they dont bring them into the kids lives unless and until they are POSITIVE this person will e around for a long time, and dont rush things, i.e. dont move in together or kiss in front of the kids or what not, why do so many people feel that the divorcees should have to put their lives on hold? if they are responsible, and they dont bring new gf/bf into the lives of the kids unless the partner plans on making a lifelong commitment to the kids, then whats the big deal? kids meet friends of parents all the time, sometimes hand out with them, or are babysat by them, and so on and so forth... if the relationship takes its time and doesnt rush thing, whats the problem?

Answer 1

Wildflower stole my thunder on this one. She is completely correct. But the one thing I will add is there is a HUGE difference between "dating" and engaging in a serious relationship.

Try to view the situation from the eyes of the children involved. Make sure you listen to them and take their feelings into account but also do not let them run your life.

It is a delicate balancing act and you need to be sure you possess tremendous amount of selflessness if you are going to make this work for all parties involved.

Just remember to have faith.

Answer 2

a lot of divorced people i know dont wait to date. but like you said they dont involve the dates with the kids lives as not to have them become attached to one then have them disappointed when/if things dont work out,especially if they dont last with one very long.  some people wait a little while to start seeing someone only due to the fact that they want a new routine alone/with the kids especially if things were rough with the marriage.

Answer 3

It's an interesting question, but you're kind of rephrasing it.

In other words, it's not the "dating" part that is such a big deal.  It's that every second a parent spends with a potential new mate, they're not with their kids.  And kids whose parents have recently gotten divorced need them around....period.  

Obviously, if the other parent has them for a weekend and you want to go out, that's probably not a big deal.  But you run the risk of an emotional entanglement too quickly.  And, again, then the kids come back on Sunday night and mom is thinking about her date last night.

Also, newly divorced parents are not necessarily a good judge of being POSITIVE a person will be around for awhile.  You probably thought the same thing when you got married.

The best single moms I know focus completely on their kids. Not surprisingly, these are the healthies kids I know.  It's really rather simple!

Answer 4

Because children can become attached to the boyfriendgirlfriend  and if the relationship doesn't work out they get hurt when they leave.

I didn't put my life on hold. We  dated, got to know each other and when we got serious  we met each other's children's , then introduced our children to each other.  It worked out fine.  

They were all in our wedding.    

Answer 5

Because regardless of the parent's best intentions, a new relationship does pull you away from the kids.. your thoughts center around the new partner and those feelings, catering to the new relationship, etc.. which takes the parent away from the children, who especially right after a divorce, really need that extra time with their mom or dad and not having to share them with someone new.

And, although keeping that dividing line between the new partner and the kids is important when dating, it does make the parent have to choose between time with child and time with new partner..

it's a bit easier to do if the children go for visitation with the ex.. you can plan dates during that time and then the children are not being put on the sidelines for a new interest.. but, having your children full time makes it difficult to date until they have their own interests away from home (so you aren't choosing between them and the new partner).

Answer 6

In my experience, the older a child is the MORE resistant to change they become. When your children are still very young (in my case I have a 2, 3 and 4 year olds)... they adapt to new people and new situations easier. While I agree strongly that you should not be introducing every new person you meet into the home as if it were a serious relationship, and that you should take your time and be absolutely sure that this person will be around for a long time, I also do not think that a divorced person should put their own life on hold because they have children. That goes for any parent in fact. There is no reason you should put off going to school, or having friends, or enjoying your life simply because you have children. All that does is makes your child feel like you are miserable, and they in turn feel bad.

My mother was 16 when I was born. While she did finish high-school, she did not go to college, something she had always wanted for herself. And she did not because she had me. I always felt that she resented me for putting her life on hold. When I started college, she finally did as well, but she was kicking herself for not doing it sooner.

In my mind the same is true about everything you do. Your kids deserve to have parents who lead by example. If you do not want your children to be depressed homebodies, you have to get out yourself and do things you enjoy.

The real test of a good relationship for me is how it affects my kids. If I am always bickering or frustrated with my partner, whether I intend to or not, it does make me shorter with my children. But if I am happy and energized because of a relationship I am in, then I tend to spend MORE time with my children (not less), and that time is more productive and pleasant.

I guess in short your kids will see your emotional state, as well as the actions you take, and tend to emulate them. If you are miserable, they will be also. But if you are enjoying your life, it will be a lot easier for them to adapt and enjoy things themselves.