Why so harsh with adoption answers?

Question

1000 characters is not enough to tell you my life story or my wife's. We have both worked extra jobs and have started to repair our credit. I would like to know what is one of the first things that people do when you tell them that you are pregnant? They throw you a shower... sounds like giving you "help" towards you being a future parent. I am not asking anyone to pay for my child. I have never been one to shy away from a challenge. The big difference between having a baby and adopting the baby is the cost. If we could get pregnant my insurance is such that it would cost $15 per doctor's visit and about $20 to be in the hospital for the delivery (just one of the nice parts about good insurance). NO ONE offers good insurance if you adopt a child. I have no doubt that working the extra jobs and working on our credit is a good thing along with finding a church home and so on but what I am really looking for is some good ideas... not a lecture. Thanks

Answer 1

If you try Church agencies they tend to be more financially feasible. Also I do know that the birth mothers insurance covers most of the birth , and if that mother is in Medicaid the state pays for it. You also need to think of the mother who is paying with a part of her soul placing her little one with a new family. Its not all easy for them either. No adoption isn't cheap. its not like going to the store to pick up something. I agree that it can be insanely expensive but look at your outcome. And most agencies cover the expenses of the mother while shes with child to help better her life as well as the child. I'm not trying to lecture you but give you some truth. Good luck with everything and  I'm sure you ll make a wonderful dad

Answer 2

I think it may be the insistance and apparent sense of entitlement to obtaining an infant and ignoring all the 140,000 + kids awaiting good homes

At what point in time did adoption become all about finding needy people a baby in place of finding a home for a child in need?

You know, I gave birth to twins - I don't expect grants or help to cover the extra cost of raising them.  Nor do I 'fundraise' or go begging so I can afford them. My children are my responsibility.  Be grateful you get a $10,500 tax credit - that's alot more than parents with muliple births get!

Just my 2 cents

Answer 3

Here is my answer to your other question. It was not meant to be harsh, but you were asking about raising money to adopt. which to me as an adoptee is rather insulting, even if you didn't want it to be. Biological parents don't do fund-raising to get children, so why should adoptive parents have to raise money to adopt, that isn't fair. To me foster care is another option and there is no raising money.

Just a suggestion, have your considered foster care? There are many children in the foster care system that are looking for homes. Also are you only looking at infant adoption? I ask this because there are toddlers that are waiting for adoption too. Is there a higher risk with adopting a child over an infant, well maybe with attachment issues. But I believe that is something that can be worked through as a family. As long as yuo re-assure the child of your love for them, it will go along way.

Answer 4

I'm sorry you are having such difficulty raising the money to adopt your child.  You should be THANKED for doing this adoption, since there are MANY children in the world who NEED GOOD PARENTS.  You said that you are a 'church home' so I suggest that you go TO YOUR CHURCH and ask if there isn't some way the church can 'do something' to help you financially with your adoption ... perhaps a special account could be set up for that in a bank for 'donations' or perhaps the church has 'connections' with an agency that does adoptions which can also help cut the costs.  And GOOD FOR YOU FOR ADOPTING.  You may be 'poor in cash' but your HEARTS are definitely BIG ENOUGH to give a good home to some 'truly poor' child!

Answer 5

My husband and I were blessed with a beautiful little girl after I was told that I could not have children.  We had spoken about adoption prior to us finding out that we were pregnant.  And we still want to adopt.  We are blessed to be financially able to adopt from a private adoption agency; however, we are not interested in newborns, infants or toddlers per se.  We would love to adopt an older child.  Many people here have suggested that we look at fostering a child and then progress into adoption, which is a great idea, because I would love to be able to spend so much time with our future child before adoption.  

There are also agencies that deal directly with churches that offer lower fees for families who want to adopt.  You may want to try there also.  

Good luck and God bless.

Answer 6

Have you ever considered foster care adoption or a foster to adopt program? With most adoptions out of foster care the cost is extremely low and you get the bonus of giving a home, as well as love,  to a child who REALLY needs it.

Answer 7

ok.. first, i truly am sorry that you and your wife are having difficulty with repairing your credit and starting your family.  however, i don't think that it's within the realm of expected to think that people should front your family planning.

also, your analogy of insurance being a lesser cost to pregnancy vs. adoption is faulty.  here's why:  in order to get insurance for prenatal care... there has to be a *gasp* pregnancy.  if there is no pregnancy, there is no prenatal care insurance. and medical insurance is not required to pay for an adoption since an adoption is not a medical procedure.

also, the cost of adoption is only high in infant/newborn adoptions through an agnecy or privately.  the cost is for the agency, facilitatior, lawyers, and the other fat cats who are getting paid for placing babies. so the cost has nothing to do with "pregnancy being easier"; yet the profit-driven motives of people who in the business of "selling dreams" to childless couples by giving them a new baby, fresh out the oven.

as for baby-showers: people generally give a baby shower WHEN THERE IS A BABY COMING. i've yet to hear about a preemptive baby shower given to someone who is not yet pregnant.  this would be the equivalent of what you are expecting. at this point, you have no baby; hence a baby shower is premature.  and i'm sure if a child is placed with you, your friends and family will give you a shower...

honestly, all the people that i know who adopted (even older children) had a "celebration" of some sort where people brought gifts to help out with the children's needs. once more, i'm not sure how this makes pregnancy cheaper than adoption. and speaking as a parent who is raising two children (biological) and pregnant wtih my third, i can honestly say that the children from my loins are no cheaper to clothe, feed, educate, and keep healthy than any adoptive child.

others have mentioned foster adoption.  i too agree with this approach.  however, if your intentions are to have a bouncing baby fresh out of the oven, then you've have to get in a very long line, shell out the dough and take it...

that's the big business of adoption... it sure is a loving choice, isn't it???

Answer 8

Hey, there! I think I can give you some insight, or at least I hope I can.

Having been in your shoes, I understand exactly what you’re asking. And, having read through many of these questions and answers over the past couple of months, I think I have a decent idea of how the people who have been answering you are interpreting your question.

It seems to me that what is being asked and the way in which it is being received are not the same thing. Please, correct me if I’m mistaken in any of these assumptions . . .

When I began looking into adoption the first thing I was told is “We’ll need to collect $500 for the application fee, and then $2500 for the initial home survey and then $1000 for each follow up survey, and $700 for our research department to perform background checks and of course we’ll need $300 for fingerprinting services, etc, etc, etc.” I may be wrong about the actual breakdown of the numbers, but I do remember that after all the initial fees we were looking at several thousands of dollars out-of-pocket before even being considered for placement in the system to officially begin the process. Yes, it was overwhelming.

I considered my friend, who had just had a baby, and how he and his wife had simply walked into the hospital and handed someone their insurance card. Whatever the small remaining balance of the delivery ended up being was later broken down into very small, completely manageable, monthly payments by the hospital billing department, and the payments of their bill didn’t even start until sometime much later.

For my friends having the baby, the process was made much easier financially. For us wishing to adopt, it just wasn’t possible.

So, my interpretation of your comparison, the “difference between having a baby and adopting the baby is the cost” is that you are referring to the initial out-of-pocket expense – am I correct?

Now, to answer your question, the “harsh” answers that you’ve gotten seem to me to be from people who are reading something entirely different in your question than I am, or than I’m assuming you intended. What they see is you, a potential adoptive parent, who is looking for a quick and easy way to achieve something that many of them associate with loss, heartache, and pain that has followed them all their lives. These are people who have lived adoption. Heck, these people ARE adoption. There are almost as many sides to adoption as there are people who have experienced it, and each of those experiences brings a new dimension to the whole . . . mess. I say “mess” because it seems to get more complicated the more I research.

What I’m trying to say is, your question is insulting to those who have been adversely affected by their own adoption experiences, because it takes the emphasis off of what’s truly important (the child), and places it on the financial aspect of the process. It dehumanizes the whole subject matter and converts it into a standard transaction.

I understand that this was not your intention, but that is how your question is received.

May I make a suggestion? Why don’t you look into foster-to-adopt instead? From what I understand the state will perform all the necessary background checks and homestudies, so all those huge upfront fees are no longer on your shoulders. That way, you can keep the needed financial stability to help raise your soon-to-be child. Your family will be all the better for it, right?

Answer 9

I would recommend that you contact social services or catholic charities.  Don't go in with the intention of immediately applying for adoption.  Ask them to help you get your credit straight, get your paperwork in order, and ask what you can do to make your application more attractive when you do submit it.

I REALLY  wish that the process was cheaper.  However, the majority of the costs are asociated with the attorneys that must be involved to process the paperwork.  This is a "necessary evil" and they put their name on the paperwork, so they make sure that everything is in order.  In the end, they are there to protect you.

Good Luck...I really mean it.  There is another advantage to the adoption process.  It often strengthens the relationship between the adoptive parents.  It is often referred to as an emotional roller coaster, and that is SO TRUE.

Answer 10

If you wanted to buy a house, and went to a lender, and told him you had no savings, and bad credit--what would he tell you?  

Save money and clean up your credit.  A+B=C.

I've never heard of anyone having a 'fundraiser' to buy a house, why a baby?  There are very few babies to adopt.  The competition is stiff--it's akin to getting into a very selective university.  And just like a good school, you have to get a high score on the test, and have good grades.  For everything in life there is a barrier to entry.  

Some books to read while you're saving money and paying your bills on time:

The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier

Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton

You're not ready for an adopted child, financially or emotionally.  You scoff at the 'lecture' you've been given, and are still looking for a way to get AROUND the roadblocks you've created.

Answer 11

If you apply to foster,with intent to adopt,you should get finiancial help until the child is legally yours.you should not have costs if you adopt via the State.

Answer 12

I've seen this same question on Y!A many times. I am an adoptive mom and to be honest, the thought of "fundraising" never entered my mind 10 years ago when we adopted our daughter. Is this a new trend? Do people really do this?

I'm positive someone will throw you a shower once you do adopt. Good luck.

Answer 13

"The big difference between having a baby and adopting the baby is the cost."

I disagree.

There are HUGE differences.

The biggest difference is that you will be raising a child you have no genetic relationship to.  The biggest difference is that in order for you to get a baby, someone has to lose one.

Babies are not commodities.  It is offensive to regard them as such.

And to answer your question, people are "harsh" with disrespectful and insensitive adoption questions because they have personal experience with adoption and they don't like to see people fishing for get rich quick schemes to buy a baby.  Babies are people, not things to be bought and sold and they deserve respect just like everyone else.

Answer 14

Im sorry your finding alot of negitive answers. Try running a google search. The most creative thing Ive seen is a cupple selling rubber duckies online to fund the adoption of thier two girls from China. Good luck.

Answer 15

I refused to read the other answers that people have posted because I know some of the things said are only going to upset me and you've been honest about your question and why you are here.  You should not be chastised for that.  People should offer you an answer.  If they cannot, then they should not answer - unless of course they are point-gaming.  Yes, I'm expecting the thumbs down for this one.  But the truth is that I'm here to help you by trying to answer your question.

First, don't call it "fundraising".  People will always give you a hard time with that.  I know where you are coming from, but I'd try to refrain from referring to children and money in the same sentence just because of how upset people get.

Second, one of the things that we did when were considering adoption and realized the cost was to inform all of our family members of our intentions.  We actually had a grandmother who gave us money towards the adoption as her gift to us.  

Next, check with your employer.  Many employers are now offering adoption assistance programs.  

If finances are truly a concern, you may want to look into foster care/adopt programs.  These children are already in need of a home and foster parents often qualify for additional funding to help with adoption expenses.

Finally, once the adoption is finalized, you do qualify for a tax credit from the IRS.  Also, contact your local Division of Children & Youth as there is additional funding available to assist with adoption expenses, especially if you adopt a child with health issues.  Many people do not know this money is available to help.  

Good luck to you.  I'm sorry you have experienced the wrath of people on this site.  I believe many have their hearts in the right place, but unfortuantely this is a touchy subject.

Answer 16

i understand where you're coming from.  if you own your home is there equity in it?  we took out an equity loan.  also some employers offer adoption reimbursement.  even the fast food chain wendy's offers a 6,000 adoption reimbursement.  it might be embarrasing flipping burgers, but right there is the attorney fee.  also take the classes offered through your local foster care system.  you can be on their list for adoption only situations.  you just never know when one will come up, unless you're not on that list then one definately never will.  check your state laws.  while my insurance didn't cover any prenatal expenses for the mother whose baby you plan to adopt they did have to cover by state law her delivery once the papers were signed.  talk with the pastor at your church.  bake sales, garage sales and craft sales do add up over time.  and most of all get the word out, the more people that know you're looking to adopt the more likely the best situation will fall right into your laps.  there are also companies, once your credit is repaired that offer adoption loans with lower interest.  and there is a federal adoption credit of around 11,000.  it's not a deduction but a credit that can be used over a 5 year time frame that can help pay down any equity or other loans you may take out.  also many states offer this same type of credit for your state taxes also.  talk with the hospital and let them know what's going on, they will work with you on payments if you get the right person on the right day.   and most of all chin up, no one's saying no, they're just saying not yet.  your child will find you.

for the bitter answers please try to learn what you can from them.  there are 2 people on here that upset me so much at first i have just stayed away.  but why let them do that?  they speak their mind and now i will.  try to refrain from using fundraising, it's not how you mean it but it fires up others that do not take the time to look at another's point of view.  take  their answers for what they're worth, an opprotunity of how not to raise your adopted child.  and keep in mind a biological child can grow up just as angry and bitter as they have.  there is no lack of children that needs homes in this country or others and how you choose to build your family is no ones business but your own.  no one got so fired up when i spent 40k on fertility treatments and all i ended up with from that was depression.  why didn't a family preservationist group help pay for my fertility treatments?  lol

Answer 17

I have no good ideas just words of understanding.  After many years of trying to have a child my husband and I finally gave up.  We would love to adopt but the cost is so great that it is just not possible.  I understand what you are saying about the help when you naturally give birth to a child but not adopting.  There are so many unwanted children in the world but they make it so expensive to adopt one, it doesnt make sense.  I had a friend that put a second mortgage on her home so that they could adopt a baby.  I guess just sometimes things dont make sense.

Answer 18

Hi!  I am a mother through international adoption.  Believe me, I understand the difficulty in coming up with all the money at one time.  People do fundraise for other things that require that much money up front.  It isn't that it's unaffordable, it just has to be come up with in a very short period of time.  

As far as the harsh answers, try to think of it from an adoptee's point of view or a birth mother who has relinquished her child.  Adoptees often report that to hear about "fundraising" makes them feel like a commodity, and I understand that.  It's really unfair for an adoptive parent or pap to play the injured party for being criticized when an adoptee is sharing that it is causing them pain.  Or think of a birthmother, who could have possibly had an opportunity to parent her child whom she loves if people would rally around and pitch in money and support.  Think, think of how adoptive parents talking about ideas for fundraising might make her feel!    

As far as coming up with money, though, here's what we did:  We refinanced our house, and we became very frugal and saved (It's amazing how much you can cut your spending when you are saving for something very important to you! :)

Answer 19

I am sure you have the best of intentions. If your resources are limited, please consider adopting from foster care.

Concerning your main question, "Why the harsh answers?"

To help answer this, I will quote from your question, "The big difference between having a baby and adopting the [sic]  baby is the cost."  No, this is not the big difference.  The real difference lies in loss and abandonment that occurred to put children in the situation where they are up for adoption.  The real difference lies in how an adoptive parent helps his child overcome these issues.  Many adoptive parents recognize this and come to Y!A to discuss how best to parent their adopted children.  Others, ignore the issue and focus on how to get a baby and complete their family.  Please don't lose focus of the whole picture as you go down the path to consider adoption.

Answer 20

to be honest, if one of my girlfriends was adopting a baby, I'd still throw her a shower.  I would love to adopt, but my husband is not big on the idea.  We are trying to get pregnant but after one year, nothing yet.  I get what you are saying though.  there really isn't a good way for the two of you to get people to be considerate.  We make decent money & own a nice modest home, but we could not afford to adopt either... Good luck, I am sorry I cannot help.

There are programs that help people finacially with adoptions, you would just have to research it

Answer 21

What's harsh is your insensitivity.  Looking for the "best shot for a baby" eh? How about studying some more about the issues you'll face in adopting or rather the issues of the adoptee, and family of origin.

As for showers and insurance those things aren't denied to adopters - so you'll get your financial assistance for adding to your family.

Research more about the costs of adoption, and compare it to how other countries conduct adoption. THEN you might realize why adoption is so pricey and realize that there are serious moral and ethical breeches in our current system. Instead of seeking ways to pander to the fees, maybe you can help bring change.

Failing that, find a wealthy person in need of an organ you could generously donate. It takes a selfless and loving person to give the gift of an eyeball or a kidney. Maybe karma will reward you with a womb fresh infant.