Why such serious feelings?

Question

I recently posted questions about the dollar dance and charity as part of you wedding day that got such strong and surprising reactions(most negative) that im thinking of building a project around it in the fall. (Ill spare you the boring details) so, I ask some of you, Why do you think people would have such strong feelings over the performance of a dollar dance( the dance where the guest give money to dance with the bride and groom. This is an option and no one is forced or pressured to participate all in fun) or over the money from it going to charity? I also found that some people have similar feelings about charity donations instead of traditional wedding favors (I was really confused by that one). Also if people fell that the dance is "tacky", 'offensive', or 'makes the couple look desperate' then why do they not feel the same about gifts. if its just about sharing a special day with you guest then why expect gifts? Historically they have the same symbolism.

Answer 1

Because the girls here are very mean, self righteous, and opinionated. If something goes against their little ideas of what a wedding is, they attack. It seems they can't think out side of the box, put themselves in someones else's shoes, understand other's cultures, or family mechanics. This is a very judgmental bunch here, and you need to be careful what you ask. They get very stuck up when things don't go according to their tradition and taste. They all think their ideas are wedding law, and there is no other "proper" way. I've never seen the word "tacky" used as much as I have seen it here! Let these prissy little witches (witch with a capital B) have their fun being nasty. It makes them feel justified in throwing a pretentious affair run by their mothers and MILs.  Do what ever your fiance and you want to do, you don't need these little twits to approve. They all worry to much about what the guests will think. Unless you're inviting the President of the United States or Royalty, I wouldn't worry to much about what anyone thinks!  What ever guests you invite know you. Be yourself. They know you're not some entrepreneur or independently wealthy. You don't have to worry about it. Most of the extra witchy girls here blow tons of money to keep up appearances. Don't worry about keeping up with the Jones'. Have the wedding you want, with the events/activities you want, and have some money left over to put towards a house! When you come on here, just ignore.

ADDITION:

Here's  song idea for the dollar dance if you have one...

Wyclef Jean featuring Akon, Lil Wayne, and Niia - Sweetest Girl (Dollar Bill)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PxBGHjAB...

(ok, maybe not this exact version, with the interruptions, but you get the idea)

Answer 2

I think people have such strong feelings about the dollar dance because it sort of feels like "Gee...I spent all this $$ to come to your wedding, maybe had to get a hotel or fly there, purchased something to wear, bought a gift for your shower, and then a check for your wedding and now they want MORE??!!"  It's a bit insulting to a lot of people, myself included.  I also think it gets a really strong reaction on Y!A, b/c of the way certain people word the Q itself. For example "How much $$ did you MAKE with your dollar dance?" as if the wedding is a money making operation and not a sacred event. On the other hand, if I were to see a card on the table which read "In lieu of wedding favors a donation has been made in your name to ____ charity."  I would take that much better than the DJ announcing that the dollar dance $$ would go to charity. Why? because with the latter, YOU, the host are making the charitable contribution, with the former, you are asking guests to donate, in which case your wedding has being turned into a fundraiser. Just my 2 cents. Incidentally, the dollar dance is not a part of my culture or regional practice (NY) either, and it would NOT be taken well at a wedding any way you did it.

Answer 3

The dollar dance is offensive to many because you are asking people to pay to participate in part of an event.  They have already purchased a gift in most cases and spent additional funds to attend the wedding, so asking for more is viewed as greedy.  I can't tell you how many brides have started conversations with me that include "I made out like a bandit doing ... and you should too!".  It's incredibly offensive to find out that people were more concerned about how to get extra money from their guests than they were about the marriage.

Additionally, many of these "traditions" are being borrowed from other cultures, so it becomes even further abused because it's being done only to fleece money from the guests.    If the dollar dance or any other "money making" tradition is not a part of your heritage, then doing with the hope of making a few extra bucks is wrong.  We don't invite people to an event and ask them to pay for things.

In regards to being coerced into participating, yes it really does happen.  I've attended a number of weddings where people have bugged me repeatedly to participate in the dollar dance, because it's ONLY a dollar.  In most instances, I didn't have a dollar on me and I wasn't about to give the couple the last $20 in my purse and asking for change is asking for trouble.  You'll hear all kinds of reasons as to why you should give them the whole $20.  They already received a gift from me, so I should be able to keep my $20, but people don't see it that way.  

I've also declined to participate if I wasn't particularly close to the couple and didn't feel like dancing with either of them.  Again, people seem to take offense that you aren't willing to fork over a dollar to dance with their kid.  It's nothing personal, but people take it personal when you opt out of something like this.

Giving a gift at a wedding is a different story though.  If I'm invited to a wedding, then I look forward to finding a nice gift for the couple.  It's a chance for me to shop for somebody else that I probably don't gift on a regular basis.  I actually enjoy it and it's fun!  At the same time, nobody is twisting my arm to spend money or give only a particular gift.  I can check out their registry and still give something else if I don't find anything that I want to purchase for them.  I'm doing what I want with my money and that's the way it should be!

Best wishes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 4

Weddings are not fundraisers - even for charity. It is not the same as giving a gift. (And no, nobody should expect/demand gifts) It is more the equivalent of asking for money on the wedding invitation - which, like the dollar dance, is tacky.

Answer 5

People are told not to expect gifts at weddings...but everyone does.  I'm not sure why this is...  Anyway...ok, I'm not trying to be rude but I do think that the dollar dance is tacky.  The bride and groom should WANT to dance with their friends and loved ones they invited to be with them on their special day, not only dance with them if they can afford to.  Most everyone brings a gift to a wedding.  If someone (usually the DJ) is TELLING them they should give more money, generally people don't like that.

Answer 6

I don't care about the $ dance, because where I'm from, it's traditional (though we skipped that tradition).

I don't like mixing charity donations or memorials to the dearly departed with a wedding simply because I think a wedding is special enough on it's own and there is no need to combine anything else with it.

I don't personally care for favors, but if you're adamant about having them, give one, not a card that says, hey, I gave your gift to someone else. Please go ahead and donate anthing you wish to charity, and allow me to do the same. You don't need to give anything on my behalf.

I go to a wedding to support the couple and their new union, not to participate in a fundraiser for a chairty (regardless of how noble the charity is) or to honor a deceased relative.

I don't think it's tacky, more like unnecessary. It's like they think asking people to come to honor your wedding isn't enough, which it most surely is.

Answer 7

Most people really don't have problems with dollar dances, collecting money for other things, etc.

As far as gifts, I never expected any.  I never bothered with a registry or anything.  A friend did throw me a bridal shower a week or two after we got married, and I got gifts anyway from that, and used them.  I never had duplicate anything, except a few household cleaners.

Answer 8

Okay..

As far as dollar dances being traditional the answer is yes....but traditional only to certain cultures and certain regions, and certain families..it is not broadly traditional as in the white wedding dress, brides maids, etc.....

I am 55 years old and grew up in Northern NJ...lived for almost 30 years in the Lower Hudson River Valley in NY...I have been to many weddings for both family & friends....

never have I seen a dollar dance...where I am from, and within my circle of family & friends, it is not done. Therefore, it would not be unusual for those within my circle of family/friends, or even the region, to consider it tacky......reminicent of the 'Dance for a Dollar' places connected with Speak Easys and 'working girls', and saloon gals.....Sweet Charity is a musical about such a girl who worked for paid dances......

Many feel between the shower gift, the wedding gift, the cost of attending (outfits, travel, etc.) are more than enough money to spend on someone's wedding..and a dollar dance feels like a last attempt to squeeze yet one more dollar out of someone......

...and then there are those who like the idea of the dollar dance so they 'adopt' the practice whether it's customary to their family or region....and then get insulted when people do not respond favorably.....

Unfortunately the idea 'It's your wedding ,so whatever you want" makes everyone justify anything they do or don't do, as if the only people with good taste are themselves, or no one's feelings but theirs matters., so suck up and put up, and don't forget the gift even tho you've been disreguarded and insulted by us.....after all it's our wedding, we can do whatever we want....wow.

I just shrug my shoulders at it all....so if I attend  a wedding  where there is a dollar dance I will decline to participate in a polite and friendly way...if pressed I will explain that for me, the shower & wedding gift are more than enough.....good luck.

Answer 9

A wedding is not a fundraising event.

If I go to a wedding and there is a dollar dance, I might dance if I have a dollar with me.

If I go to a wedding with a dollar dance and the couple says they are giving my money away to charity, I will not dance EVEN if I have the cash.

I donate to charity on my own time.

Answer 10

Most weddings I've been to have had a dollar dance at them.  I don't care.  If I don't have a dollar I don't participate.  I think it's great when people donate to charity instead of favors.  Favors are a waste of money and I never take them home anyway.  Knowing money was donated instead is awesome.  People in the wedding section are very sensitive.

Answer 11

I think that having a dollar dance is completely acceptable. I am going to have one at my wedding, too, and there hasn't been any objections to it from anyone I've spoken to. It's all in good fun, but you do have to accept that not everyone on the internet is going to agree.

If it's something you want to include, then go for it! It's YOUR day. Let everyone else who disagrees exclude the dollar dance for their own reasons on THEIR day. ;)

Answer 12

A wedding is a celebration NOT a fundraiser - - for the couple or a charity.

Saying it is for a charity doesn't change my feelings about it being tacky and offensive.

Answer 13

I think that the dollar dance is great. It is a way for the bride and groom to visit with their guests that they may not get to talk to otherwise. For those who don't like it, then don't have it at their wedding. No one is forced to give money. Most people actually give more than a dollar! As for donating the money to charity, I think that is a cute idea but I can see where it would be best to announce that before the dance. Some of your family and friends give you money with the intention that you will use to start your new family. They may be taken aback to find out that it get used somewhere else (not to say that charity is bad!)

Answer 14

I really do not think of the money dance as "fun" but rather awkard, and I disagree that people are not fsrced, of course they are.

I find this so-called tradition (a.k.a scam) offensive because I already gave a gift (sometimes two) and I do not find it nice to ask for more. I think is greedy and not classy at all, besides, I think is demeaning and humillianting as the only people that dance for money are strippers.

As far as favors and charity... I just went to a wedding and had a card saying (a charitable donation have been done in lieu of favors) at the tables. I honestly wanted my favor after spending $2k in travel/hotel/food  and $350 on the wedding gift, and $50 dollar on a shower gift... so at least I would expect a little memento or candy to take home from the couple. I must say that I missed the favors. My fiance thought it was nice though, so it's a matter of perspective.

Good luck

Answer 15

#1 reason... people are stupid and mean!

I'm getting married in sept 09 and I've gotten alot of negative responses to some of my questions as well.  The dollar dance is NOT tacky it's tradition.  Just because most of these people haven't heard of it doesn't make it wrong, it's fun and it's to help the couple start they're lives together.  Unless you don't need the $$ it shouldn't go to charity! Your family and friends will be happy to give you the money, and those that don't want to participate don't have to.   Also as far as the wedding favors going to charity,.... most people just spent at least 10 grand on their wedding (again unless your rich) who in their right mind would spend even more to give the money to charity on behalf of their guests.  I think it's completely impersonal and i don't like the idea. now don't get me wrong I am all for giving money to charity but I don't' understand why you should be expected to do so at your wedding, I mean the two have nothing to do with each other!  Also I think it's waaaay better to find a favor that you can give your guests that they will really appreciate.  You should go out of your way to find something that your guests can use again or at least something that tastes good.  Anyways people are waaay too opinionated.  I think they just like the drama!