Why the birth mother hate?

Question

I was adopted as a baby, I'm now 39, and I cannot understand the hatred shown towards mothers who gave up their babies for adoption. Face it, 40 years ago I could still have been aborted, and she would have been able to get on with her life more easily... I have nothing but gratitude for my own birth mother, though I know nothing about her, she didn't take the easy way out, and regardless of her circumstances, being a mother of four now myself, I cannot imagine how hard a decision it was to give a baby up. I know she held off signing the paperwork for six weeks - so it wasn't easy for.

Lots of people have awful childhoods - whether adopted or not - all this thumb downing when birth mothers ask questions or share their anguish is utterly disgusting in my opinion. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and as an adopted person myself, I salute all birth mothers who make this incredibly brave, heart-rending decision. Why blame all b/mums for your issues? They gave you life, use it

Answer 1

absent of abuse and neglect, here are a few reasons for the hatin' :

-social dogma (premarital s*x is wrong)

-fmoms are "diminished" in the minds of aagencies,  for profit.

-beliefs of "drug-addicted, irresponsible birthmothers"

-pregnancy envy (many who are unable to get pregnant, hold deep resentment for those who can)

-desire to "erase" the presence of another woman in the child's life

-social condemnation towards a woman who "gave up a child."

-fear of her changing her mind (which is mind-boggling, when juxtaposed with the "how can a woman give up her child.")

-fear that he child will want to find her and love her more.

i can go on...

Answer 2

Hi Triphazard,

I'm not sure why you think adoptees here hate natural mothers.  If anything, I see compassion shown to them for the victimization and coercion and pain that they have experienced by losing their children to adoption.  If there is judging of natural moms going on, I don't believe it's by the adoptees.

I'm also not sure why abortion is brought up when discussing adoption.  The fact is, ANY pregnant woman can have an abortion if it's legal to do so, whether she's married or single.  Adoptees need not feel any more grateful for being here than anyone else.  Adoption & abortion are two entirely different things.

That's true that many people had awful childhoods.  Not all adoptees had awful experiences.  That is independent of how adoptees feel about either set of parents or about adoption itself.  The problem is there are serious ethical problems with the way adoption is practiced in America, and with the way adult adoptees are still discriminated against.  

The problems usually stem around those issues and at those responsible for those issues (the states & the industry workers) when you hear displeasure expressed towards adoption.  It is rarely directed at natural mothers.  Interestingly enough, the only time I recall anger directed at natural mothers here was actually by an adoption social worker who was encouraging adoptees to direct any frustration they may have with the system at their natural mothers rather than at those who profit from the industry.  The adoptees here were not in agreement with that.

Hope this helps clarify.  If you stick around, you can learn more about current adoptee issues here.  Thanks for asking.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 3

Your question confuses me.  I don't read everything here, but I have not seen a prevalence of hate extended to bmoms.  I know I certainly do not hate my bmom.  Frankly, I feel great sympathy for her.

I will say that I have heard of adoption agencies and adoptive parents that attempt to foster a poor opinion and rejection of bparents in general.  I'm not sure they do that in the best interests of the child...I tend to think it is motivated by selfishness.

Answer 4

I totally agree. Lots of times, the birthmother herself came from a hoorible childhood, which affects her decisions. I knew a woman that her mother had walked away from her, left her in the hospital. She was in 29 different foster homes, 20 of those she was sexually abused. She ended up being a prostitute and heroin addict for almost 30 years. She left her 3 children with the kids' fathers, and walked away from them the same way her own mother had done to her. Sometimes, you just don't know how to parent and the thought of ruining a child overcomes your "motherly instinct". She hurts everyday thinking about her kids, they dont want anything to do with her now, which on their part is understandable. There is usually some reason or underlying issue with the mother, causing her to make that choice. I agree it has to be extremely hard to give up your child. Sometimes, mothers do it because they believe it is the best decision, some mothers are forced into that decision. It is very painful for the kids too, and everyone would benefit from looking at all sides of the equation and the pain felt on all of those sides.

Answer 5

Adoption isn't passing on responsibility. It is a normal choice. Either a mother can not care for or does not want a baby. How much courage does it take to give life to a baby and then give it to a family that can't have their own? I find that amazing.

Answer 6

Actually one of my family members are adopted and she has never resented her birth mother, who infact comes to stay in our house often to see her

Answer 7

I am the birthmother of an adopted child. I had no choice. REALLY had no choice. It wasnt my decision. I now have 3more children and I cant understand Y anybody would WILLINGLY give up their child. bt i dont hate those people.

Answer 8

Thank you for what you said, but I've never felt hatred here.

Answer 9

Great imput from someone who lived it.  Thanks

Answer 10

I adore my mother, how could I hate her - she's a part of me.

I feel that perhaps some people are threatened in some way by our mothers, perhaps that is what you are perceiving as hatred.

Anyways, I would like to know where abortion was actually legal 40 years ago.  It certainly wasn't an option for my mother, nor would she ever have considered it.  She intended to keep me, she loved me and I was so precious because she thought she was unable to have children.  I was put up for adoption against her will by people who thought women should not be single mothers.

I for one will never ever feel grateful for having not been aborted.  Nobody should have that burden on their shoulders just because they were adopted as children - that's just ridiculous.  would you ask someone who wasn't adopted if they were eternally grateful they weren't aborted.

I agree though, people need to give mothers a break - I have seen some awful things said to them and adoptees alike.

ETA: Oh OK thanks for the info on the abortion act.  I was born in the USA and legalized abortion didn't come in until a bit later (at least in my State)

In the UK a mother CANNOT sign relinquishment papers until six weeks, it's not a matter of 'holding off'

Answer 11

I don't understand it either. Our son's birth mom made a very courageous and difficult decision to place him for adoption - but she knew in her heart she was doing the right thing for him. She wanted her baby to have a father, and she knew the baby's birth father wasn't going to stick around. She kept thanking US in the hospital for being willing to raise him as our own - that getting to know us made her more at peace with her decision.

I'll be eternally grateful to her for choosing us to raise this wonderful boy, and fulfilling our dreams of parenthood.

Answer 12

I haven't seen any birth mother hate ?

I only thumb down the nasty people. the people who feel entitled or the people that say stupid things.

I don't care whether they are adoptees,adoptive parents or birth mothers ....

Answer 13

Thank you for this, you made me feel better.  I'm a birthmother, and I am judged on a daily basis because of it.  People don't understand that I chose life for my baby, and not just life....but a much better life then I could provide.

People think I am selfish, when the truth is I did this for her...I wanted her to have a better life then I can provide.  I'm glad someone else is on our side :)

Answer 14

my father was adopted , and has just recently found out that his birth mother and father have passed away , we found his brother and he dosent want to know my father , he has no hate towards his mother , but he does to his brother , we are currently searching for his sister . my father has the most wonderful parents (that adopted him) even though he was put up for adoption , i dont think he would change his life for anything

Answer 15

I was adopted at 7 years old. So my hate for my birthmother is a little different. I grew up with a "mother" who abused drugs and hence, abused me as well. Child protective services finally stepped in when my collarbone was broken from her pushing me down a flight of stairs when she was drunk. I think that my hate is justified.

Luckily, I was adopted by two awesome parents who I love very much and never laid a hand on me or exposed me to such horrible lifestyles. I know most people never knew their birthmothers unlike me.

However, a lot of people never knew their mother and still despise them. A lot of it could stem from feeling abandoned, and not knowing the reasons why their birthmother gave them up. Everyone's adoption experience is different. I try not to judge anyone in the situation (child, birthparents, adoptive parents) because everyone experiences adoption differently.

I don't think I would hate my mother if she just couldn't raise me due to her circumstances and made a decision to give me to someone who could. But then again, until i've been in that postition I can't say for certain.

Answer 16

Most adoptive parents or adoptees do not hate birth mothers or teach their adoptive kids to hate the birth mothers. There is a small percentage that feel any type of hatred. I personally do not hate my birth mother, like you i understand that it was a hard decision for her to make. We all make choices and have to live by the decisions we make from our choices.

ETA: Sorry all i meant to say "do not teach." and "do note hate" I guess i shouldn't answer y/a when i'm high on allergy meds.

Answer 17

I dont hate birth mothers at all. I think, from a mothers point of view, it would take alot of courage and thaught to put your child up for adoption. So no, I dont have one ounce of hate in my body for birth mothers at all.

I can see how any birth mother would not live a life of wonder for the child she gave up, I think that 9/10 times, she would have to struggle with the descision she made. How can anyone hate a woman like that?

Answer 18

at the end of the day if people are out there having s*x they should deal with the consequences not abort or pass on there responsibilities onto someone else

Answer 19

There are a lot of people looking to become parents who go to extreme medical means or go to countries outside thier own seeking babies.  I think it is a beautiful gift and a heartwrenching decision to give up a child for adoption.  People should be applauding birthmothers for making responsible decisions about the futures of their children even if the decision that resulted in the pregnancy was an irresponsible one.

Answer 20

Oh yea i have the up most respect the incubator Lady that gave me up...The drug use and leaving me in car......she deserves a medal......Yea right