Why wait until we are married? I want to right now?!?

Question

I am so sad. My bf and I have been together 3 yrs, own our house together, car, everything. We are practically married, just no legally. He actually is not even divorced from his first wife, because of an ongoing custody fight and stupid lawyers. Anyways, they have 2 kids together that live with us. I take care of them and love them but I want my own. So, so badly. He wants to wait until we're married and I understand that but this is just taking so long. I feel like right now is when I am meant to have our baby. I am soo disapointed every single time I get my period. I always desperatly hope we screwed up and I will accidently get preggo. I am just so upset. I feel almost resentful towards him now because I feel like he is keeping something away from me. I tell him it's easier for him to wait because he already has his 2 kids. I mean we are practically married, what's the difference? He knows I'd marry him in a heartbeat when we can.

Answer 1

I think you should wait.  I understand the desire but there is just something about marriage that solidifies the relationship(yeah I know, 50\50 divorce rate).  I guess maybe it depends on your age a little.  Are you starting to feel like you're running out of time or are you just impatient?  Your boyfriend probably is feeling like he's under enough stress with the custody issues without bringing another child into it.

Answer 2

I know how you feel me and my Bf are together for almost that long we evenb cal eachother hubby and wife we just aren't married on paper but we have our rings and everything we just need toget it legalized by ajugde you don;t needa big fancy wedding they are a waste of money belive me I tired thata nd ended up with five people coming not including the wedding party. Any way My Hubby tells me to wait and i don't really want to but he has teh attitude if it happens it happens and we'll deal with it then. i thought i was perggo this morning but the test said not. I hear stop worrying about ti and it will happen but I know how hard it can be. You have two kids right now that need a lots of love though becasue they probably aren't even aware how much strian on everybody a divorce can put on peopel and may get snapped at just because of that I knwo I have been though it with my parents. Your own will happen in time but let thsi custody battle get over frist then i am sure he'll be willing to work on his own family with you.

Answer 3

I understand your frustrations. When you know it's time to have a baby, you just know. I am at that point, too in our marriage. The best thing to do is to wait for his divorce to be finalized. To keep your sanity, start fighting tooth and nail to get that thing handled no matter what. Talk to your man and tell him your frustrations and that you would really like to start planning a family and that you will offer your help and support through the divorce proceedings so that you can get married and start a family. DON'T get pregnant in error now. It will only frustrate and complicate things. He's your partner so he should know and share in your dilemma and offer answers. Good luck to you!

Answer 4

If you and your bf can't agree on when to have kids, that's a pretty good sign that, as a couple, you shouldn't have kids together yet. Even though you are raising his kids from his first marriage, having your kids is different and should be something the two of you are in agreement about. Discuss with him and find out his reasons, made you can come to an agreement. But remember, he has a say in this too and it's not right for you to do something to get pregnant (go off birth control, for instance) because YOU want it and he doesn't.  

Answer 5

Legally, he is still married.  I know you want what you want, but he doesn't even have his first marriage settled yet.  It's sad that he has a stupid lawyer and a wife and kids holding him back from being everything you want him to be, but I don't think he's able right now to think about having more children with someone he's not married to.  

I think your best bet, if you love him so much, is to accept him "as is".  Accept that he's still married, that he has other children, that he has a custody case and possible child support to worry about. The last thing he wants on his shoulders is another baby.  I know that's hard, but he's got a wife who is fighting him for custody bending one ear, and a girlfriend fighting for another baby bending the other ear. I'm surprised he hasn't run screaming off into the night. Try to see this from his eyes, and you might see that this isn't maybe what you really want.  You want a home and family with a husband and children. He just can't give that to you, and hasn't been able to the entire time you've been together.

This might not be what is best for you.  This might not be the dream you want to live in this life. You only go around once. Make sure you do it in a way that makes you happy.

Answer 6

Unfortunately you are just going to have to wait.  I understand that you really want a baby, but why would you want to have a baby with someone that really doesnt want one too?  If you were to "accidently" get pregnant, he might start to resent you.  He is not keeping you from something you feel you are supposed to have...it is your choice to stay with him.  I am not saying that you should leave him, but if your desire to have a baby is higher than your desire to wait until he is ready, maybe you should consider moving on.  He may feel just as strongly about not having a baby as you feel about having it....what if it was the other way around?  I am sure that there has been a point in your life when you were absolutely not ready to have a baby....would you want to have one, just because someone else wanted you to...even though you were not ready?  Good luck!

Answer 7

I feel for you, it would be best to wait until the divorce if final though for the sake of the other 2 kids but I do understand completely your desire to just have a baby now.  Let your boyfriend know how you feel about it, talk it all out to get your feelings out there because you need to make sure the two of you have open communication at all times.  How do the kids feel about you two maybe having a baby soon?  I would talk to them about it too sometime because right now they may be going through emotions of their own because of the divorce so you want to take their feelings into consideration.  I don't see any reason to have to wait until the two of you are legally married but I would make sure of what is going on with the divorce and everything first before really TTC as the stress of the divorce could cause problems for you in pregnancy anyways.  

Answer 8

I would talk about it with him and get his honest opinion. You can't make him wants another child. If you "trick" him then that is just going to be worse. Make sure you that all are going to be together forever... then plan a child.  

Answer 9

well that's awkward.

just explain how you feel.

if money is tight then I understand him, if not then I understand you

Answer 10

I'm sorry, I've got to go with him on this one

desperation breeds contempt

you're just playing house with a married man

the fact that you've been together for three years and he's not divorced yet should tell you something

Answer 11

wow.

Answer 12

I lived with my boyfriend as well. We were trying for a baby and people would tell us to wait until we are married.  Which I didn't care to be. I finally did get pregnant and we are no longer together.  and I wouldn't have done it any differently.   Why marriage? It doesn't guarantee anything! I mean he's divorced with two kids... so I don't see what's the problem either. Maybe he's just not ready to have another baby yet.  

Answer 13

If you already resent him because he wants to do things the way they need to be done, then you need to get help.  You getting pregnant could really mess up his custody fight!   I am not married and don't plan on getting married, but I think he absolutely has the right idea.

Answer 14

There's no such thing as practically married. Your married or your not. There is a big difference. You have no idea. Right now you can walk away.

Answer 15

He's right to want to wait for his divorce to be finalized.  I know this must be so hard on you though.   If you wait until his divorce goes through, his ex-wife can't use his new baby against him in any way and he can marry you so that both parents are legal guardians of the new baby.  If you truly feel resentful towards him, you have to ask yourself if he is worth waiting for.  If the answer is "yes" try to be patient for as long as you can---it will be better in the long run.