Why would an adoptee who has never searched say they KNOW they were "better off" adopted?

Question

How do they know?

Nearly everything I was told about my family turned out to be false (agency lies) and my nfamily turned out 'better' in every way possible...

Answer 1

we can only really know what our lives are like right now.  

Answer 2

Misguided assumption.

Or, a crystal ball

Answer 3

Is it not sad how Spark shared her husband own personal story and she gets thumbed down for it. When  it is clear her husband would have had a worse life staying with his biological mother who didn’t even want him in the first place.  

Some people just know by the information they are given. Sure in some case they might not get the information correct or it may be false. However in some cases the information is correct.  I know I’m better  I will not go into it I’ve posted about it before.

Answer 4

Stockholm Syndrome.

On here, its probably an Ap pretending to be an adoptee.

Answer 5

I can't imagine that my life would be better if I had been raised by a teenaged mother who hadn't finished high school. i have had all the opportunites that i've ever wanted or needed and i have no complaints.  my birthmother may be "better off" now but i doubt she could have been then or she would have kept me.  i may not know for SURE that i am better off adopted but i am GLAD i was adopted and not raised by a teenager.  my friends raised by teenage moms have a lot of issues with regrets and anger at their moms and feel they missed a lot of opportunities in life because of it.  At least i have no regrets or anger.   i am happy with my life.

Answer 6

Maybe because their adoptive family is their family.  Period.  And they love them unconditionally.  Perhaps since their adoptive family is the only family they've known, they feel a family bond with them that can't be compared to anyonoe else.

Answer 7

I am searching, but I still feel that in the end I will feel that I was better off adopted.  If social services told the truth, then my bio-mom didn't want children, which is fine with me.  This way I got to be raised by someone who truly wanted kids and was willing to devote her life to raising me.  If social services lied, and my bio-mom was somehow coerced into giving me up, then I don't think I would want to be raised by someone who was that pliable and gullible.

I think it depends on the person, but the description of my bio-mom in my adoption papers sounds almost identical in personality and looks to me.  So assuming it is true (and it would surprise me if it wasn't since it is so dead on how I am myself) my biomom and I will get along with each other when we meet, and both agree that it was for the best I was adopted by a family who loved me as much as they did.

I am sure my bio-mom would have loved me just as much as my adopted mom, but my adopted mom wanted to put in the time to raise me, she was willing to sacrifice any part of her life to do so.  My bio-mom didn't want to, and luckily for all three of us, our society lets a woman choose whether she wants to raise a child or not.

Perhaps your right though, maybe when I do find her I will discover I would have been better off with her, I just can't imagine that being the case.

Answer 8

It's what we are taught to believe by the stereotypes.  In a way, you have to believe it, at least for a time, in order to justify the whole relinquishment and subsequent adoption.  Why else would it have occurred?  

Whether it's true or not, we can't be certain, particularly without knowing our first parents and the circumstances.  I always assumed it, but never had any facts on which to base that assumption.  I've now been reunited for seven years.  

Certainly not all first parents are incapable people, drug addicts, alcoholics or destitute folks who would have provided little to nothing.  My first father made more money than my adoptive father, so financially we would have been fine.   He's also a good, caring man.  As it turns out, he does a good job of parenting.  So, it's not like being raised by him would have been bad at all.  The circumstances of the time led him to believe that relinquishment was what had to be done in order to protect me.  I was a little over a year old at the time of relinquishment.

Answer 9

Dear Sunny,

The first thing that poped into my head was Professor Trelawney from the Harry Potter books. She is the divination teacher who makes up predictions.

Seriously though, I think it could be a number of things. Perhaps they are afraid to "see their stock" or be "rejected again" (some people don't understand that most cases of voluntary relinquishment are wroght with deperation and pain for the FPs and not really "voluntary" in the real sense of the word - certainly NOT rejection!), believe what they have been told or it somehow comforts them to believe. I think for some people it is easier to believe that FPs are not "acceptable" than to chance rejection or disappointment. I think for some, there is also a fear that the genetic family is undesirable and this somehow taints the adopted person. (Like being raised in a Preppy family only to find out that your bio family is a bunch of Cowboys or finding out that an FP has some sort of mental illness or deficiancy might be unsettling for an adopted person who was raised in a very Academic atmosphere - these things could trigger some weird feelings for some people.)

I'm sure there are as many reasons as their are people with this "knowledge" who haven't searched. Everyone is different even if the feelings are the similar. One would have to know the person in question to give an even remotely accurate answer!

BTW, Prf. T eventually figures it out and discovers that she does indeed have "the gift"!

Answer 10

I must have missed it.  How could they possibly know?  Maybe they're psychic?  Although even the folks I have known who claim to be psychic have VERY limited abilities, so I don't think even that would be enough.  Hmmmmmm...interesting...

Answer 11

Blind faith in what they were told, maybe by someone who either doesn't really know or wanted to believe it themselves.

Of course, at the time of birth, the mother may have been going through a tough time. Most women in such a position pull their lives back together. But the adoptive parent may never hear about that part.

Though there certainly are plenty of cases where the child is better off, without facts there is no reason to believe it is true.  

Answer 12

Dude, I KNOW cause how could it be betta?

Answer 13

they are replacing the word KNOW

for the words MUST BELIEVE

Answer 14

Many years ago I thought I knew I was better off being adopted. Then I  stumbled upon a certain registry and found one rather insignificant post about a mother looking for her baby girl. Since that moment everything I thought I knew has been turned upside down and inside out, for the better.

Whatever it is you "know" right now will inevitably change over the course of your life. Seriously, look back 10 years and think about what you thought you "knew" back then, now fast forward 10 years and think about the knowledge you will gain.

All we can ever know for sure is that we will keep learning and I hope that "all knowing" adoptee will someday learn who she or he really is.  

Answer 15

I wouldn't know that I am better off necessarily but I know that I had a good life and I love my family and that I didn't have to deal with all the struggles that would have come from having a 15 yr old mother.

Answer 16

I do  KNOW that I was better off adopted. Maybe you were lied to about your bio parents. I was not and not everyone else was either. some may have been but not everyone was. lied to. My parents told me the truth about all the events and reasons leading up to my adoption. And I had a great relationship with my  natural grandparents. They also told me everything that had happened and why it happened, and you know what surprise surprise both the stories matched up. Grams and Gramps were just able to give me more details and in-site to what had happened. I KNOW I was better off not being raised by an abusive alcoholic who was in and out of jail. I know next you are going to say people change. Well guess what my bio dad was killed in an auto accident when I was in my early 20's and low and behold he was drunk when it happened. I know this to be true because his sister my Aunt told me when it happened. He hadn't changed one bit. I know for a fact he used to come around and threaten his parents (my grandparents) as his own family told me. I had a relationship with my grandparents and with aunts, uncles, and cousins. So I got the true story about my bio's, therefore I can say I do know I was better off adopted and there was no reason for me to search.. Just because you're experience was bad and you were lied to you shouldn't assume that everyone else was.

Answer 17

Magic!

Answer 18

They probably trust their parent's judgement in giving them up for adoption and thought they had good reasoning in doing so.  This doesn't always mean it was the better option, but that is probably why an adoptee would say something like that.

Answer 19

I don't understand your question, but as a birth mother who found her son when he was in his 30's, I know we are both better off having each other.

Answer 20

My husband searched and found out he was better off. His biological dad dumped his first mother as soon as he found out she was pregnant. His first mom's mother wanted to have him killed and then when his first mom refused to get an illegal abortion (it was 1970), grandma kicked her out of the house. So obviously, if she would have kept him, they would have been living out on the streets. With the adoption, he had the stability of a solid home, a happily married couple, and a rather idyllic small-town upbringing. Meanwhile, his first mother was allowed to return home, complete her schooling, marry a man she still loves and find peace and happiness in her life.

His brother did not search, but his brother was an "emergency placement" because his first mother kept him for a month and then suddenly relinquished. He believes he is "better off" because she obviously was not in a stable enough position to keep a baby (whether that was financially, emotionally, physically, whatever).

His sister did not search and just doesn't care whether she was "better off" with her adoptive family or not because the adoptive family is where she grew up, and it's not like you can go back in time and change these things.

Answer 21

Who wants to put themselves through the pain of realizing that they could have been better off for all their lives, and thats not always the case, my sister (neither of us are related by blood) just met her birthmother a while back, a woman whose been on drugs her entire life, after causing **** to go down with her half brother, we've found out he's out in some state probably over dosing on what ecstsy he didn't forget at their bmoms house.I've also got some **** in my bfamily that i dont feel like explaining.