Why would he do this to his daughters??

Question

I already have enough to deal with and then I get this email from my ex saying he wants to cut off all communication with me and his daughter...

A little background: We have 4 1/2 year old twins. He is 21 and I am 20, we had them young. We broke before they were born. It wasn't meant to be which is fine. He also rarely sees his daughters, maybe about once a year. But we do email and call periodically.

Anyway I woke up this morning to an email from him saying he wanted to cut off all contact from us. He says he just doesn't feel it...not sure what that means but ok. He says he thinks it would be the best thing to do. He also mentioned he has met someone and wants to start fresh and stuff. He also mentioned that he has set up an account for the girls mentioning college will be paid for fully. Which I guess is nice buy I don't know. I wasn't expecting this at all.

I don't know what to do, do I respect his wish or what?? This is A complete and utter shock and disappointment. I don't understand why he would do this. I am just I don't know.

Any advice would really be helpful. Thanks.

Answer 1

I would tell him if that's the way he feels, they are probably better off without him.

However, you will need something in writing from him about the account. Otherwise since you won't be in contact, he could renege on his plan and never follow through on his promise, whether intentionally or he fell on hard times, and that if something were to happen like one of the girls needed high-priced medical care and you were forced to turn to the State for help with that, they might force you to give his name so they could attempt to collect child support. Not that you think that's going to happen, and not that you are threatening to go after him financially, but that his plan to cut off all contact might not work as he wants it to.

The big picture is: if he has never seen the girls but rarely, and they don't really know him, then he might as well disappear and you may all be better off.

I'm curious about who this woman is that he couldn't continue seeing his girls once a year, that he wants to be with her baggage free, yet he thinks he's going to be able to divert enough money to pay for two college educations in 2022.

Something else may be going on -- suddenly seeing the girls once  year is too much for his relationship to bear? I don't know.

I'm also not sure if my thoughts were helpful or not, but I still feel if that's what he wants to do you all might be better off.

Answer 2

Yeah that's a really selfish thing to do, especially for the girls, but unfortunately you don't really have a say in the matter, as it seems he's already made up his mind. All you can do really is accept the college money and stuff, and make sure the girls know what happened when they're old enough to understand. If they want to try to contact him when they're older, you can support them as much as possible, but warn them of how it might turn out. Just be there for them and help them understand. Hope this helps :)

Answer 3

why would you want a loser like that in your or your daughter's lives anyway? forcing them to spend time with someone who would resent it? who was barely there in the first place? don't trust the college fund claim. go after child support

Answer 4

That sucks.

But the only thing worse for a child than not knowing a parent, is knowing that their parent doesn't realy want them.  You could push the issue and guilt or otherwise force him into remaining in your little girls lives, but the children would quickly realize that Daddy was there against his will.  And that can seriously s***w up a child.

The best bet in your situation is to cut your losses, say thank you for the money, and never mention the fool again.

You should probably practice what you are going to say when your daughters inevitably start asking about their father and where he is.  I have no idea how you should handle that, way beyond me.  Just don't lie to them.  "He died saving puppies from terrorists." will work fine for years, but it will just s***w things up worse when they find out the truth eventually.

Answer 5

Well, maybe it would be best if he stopped contact with them.. obviously, he's unwilling to continue to stay in touch with them, so nothing good will come out of a relationship between them. Best to stop communication at a young age, too.. and the fully paid for college is a nice bonus.

You have to try and meet some new guys.. if your daughters have a real father figure in their life more than once a year, it's better.

Good luck with whatever you decide. <3

Answer 6

    First of all you need to go after him for child support! The reason he said that he will set up a account for the girl's is so you would not ask him for support - is he giving you access to the account so you can see that he is doing what he said he would do or are you suppose to take his word on it and when they are ready for college find out there is no money for them.

The reason he wants to cut ties is he probley didn't tell the new girlfriend that he has kids that's the whole "start fresh " c**p. This is not the one you want to be a father to your kid's if he is going to act like this, your girl's deserve better but you and them do deserve the money. Don't wait to find out there is none or to where you cannot locate him anymore. Go get a lawyer and get your child support ! You can find lawyers that specialize in this. You can also have him pay for your lawyer. If he really is going to set up an accout then make sure your name is on it so you can see what he put's in it. Your girl's are young and you need money now for them. "He just dosen't feel it' oh please , I applaud you for being there for your  girl's now do what's right for them and you and get your money. Good Luck to you.  

Answer 7

Well, unfortunately, you cant force him to see his daughters and if he wants to start anew with someone, you have to respect that. A college fund for them would be great but he also should pay monthly child support for them- regardless of a college fund, and if I were you, I wouldn't believe that college fund thing until I saw it.

I would respect his wishes and if he wants to cut all ties- fine, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't help support those little girls. You should contact your local child support agency and make him pay support, not to be spiteful, but he is just as responsible for them as you are and as we all know, it isn't cheap to raise children these days! I would wonder if he didn't offer the college fund thing to keep me from pursuing child support, knowing he would HAVE to pay and with an account, theres no one there to make him pay or pursue him if he doesn't.

Good luck and dont let him not only hurt those girls for the rest of their lives by denouncing them, but also by letting them live lives of need because he doesn't want to help for them!

Answer 8

Just raise your daughters will all of the love and happiness that you can, with support from your family and friends.  Never speak badly about their father....but be honest when they ask later in life and say that it was his decision (save the email).  One day, they will probably want to find him and by then, MAYBE he'll be grown up and mature enough to have a relationship with them.  Make sure he maintains child support throughout (whether you ever actually see/talk to him or not) and get the college fund information he provided in writing.  You can't "make" someone love you (or your children).  You know that.  Forcing him to be a part of their lives will not do them any good at all.  He will have to live with himself and this decision, and those little girls are probably the joy of his life that he'll never have.  What a shame for him, but how fortunate for you and the girls that you won't have his influence over you.  His 'new life' won't be as full or wonderful as he thinks...because there will be two little holes in his heart that will never be filled until he comes to his senses.  Good luck and God Bless you all.

Answer 9

Just have to let him go, tell his daughters when they ask about him he is a stupid man for not wanting to see his beautiful daughters anymore, but they will always have your love.

Answer 10

isn't it funny where ppl act only professional when it is only something to do with them. well idk i think he is a disappointment and is disappointing himself you may need to talk say you wanna get back together....  

Answer 11

Children aren't disposable and you can't just get rid of them when you want to start "Fresh". The reason he believes in this magical thinking is because he's a 21 year old immature man/boy. (I mean honestly... he tells you in an email??) He became a father at 16 and this is typical. However, he has legal and financial obligations to your twins whether he likes it or not, just as you do. Do not under any circumstances believe his talk of college. He's selling you on something that is 15 years down the road and there is nothing about his behavior that would make anyone think he's savvy enough to have that all taken care of. Take him to court ASAP and make sure he's paying support. They can set up legal visitation there also. They can also mandate insurance coverage and eventually help with college tuition if the situation warrants it so make the law work for you. His word isn't worth the "email" he sent it on. Keep your kids out of this garbage as much as you can and provide a safe happy home for them. Someday you will find a wonderful man who will step in and be the father they deserve. Until then play this smart or you and your children will lose.  

Answer 12

Accept his payment, but let him go. He can't be yours anymore

Answer 13

although it seems a little extreme you cant force him to keep communication lines open if he doesnt want to. despite wanting to set up an account for them he still needs to pay child support now, paying for college is nice but he's still got 14 more years to go before that and whose to say they get to college and suddenly he refuses to pay. and what will he do when they start going "i want to see my dad?" what does he expect you to do? he is being really childish its not that simple to cut people off like that especially not your own children and honestly it sounds like he hasnt told the new chick about you or his daughters and is trying to cover it up by 'cutting off all ties' because he's afraid of what she'll think. no matter what it is you and him need to sit down and discuss how this severing of the communication is going to work or if its even neccessary. Good luck.

Answer 14

I wouldn't have any respect for that S.O.B.!  He's so incredibly selfish!

P.S.  He can still move on AND take care of his reponsibilities, but to cut his kids off?  I feel sorry for his next victim!

Answer 15

It's his loss, and He'll be the one to regret it. My Father did the same to myself and my brothers. Your bf is young and immature. I have a son here in America but am separated from his mom, and I want so desparately to move back home to England where my family is, but I can't leave him. He is my responsibility and I have to live with the consequences of bringing him into the world. I don't regret it one bit, I love him to death, but this is why you should'nt have children at such a young age, it's not as easy as it looks!

Respect his wishes, just make sure he pays up as they are still his financial responsibility whether he wants to see them or not.

You will find someone that will love those twins as their own one day. I'm sorry this bf turned out to be such a jackass. Good luck to you.

Answer 16

If that's what he wants to do, you can't force him to be in the children's life.  Just make sure that you are getting child support, and that you have that email stating the info about the college funds.

It may be better off for the kids anyway.  Isn't it harder to explain to them why daddy comes around and then disappears?  When the kids get older, don't lie to the kids about where their father is.  Be honest with them.  Show them the email maybe?

It doesn't have anything to do with you or your daughters.  It's him and his childish, immature way of thinking.  

Answer 17

You don't really have a say - if he wants to cut off communication, he doesn''t need your OK.  Let him do what he wants.

Answer 18

My advice is to watch out for the children and carry on if you can get by on your own. This man is not a man unless he insists on being in their lives and supporting them. A father is very important in a girls life. It will be self evident later on as they mature. As for you make him support them ,I do not care how much hassle it will be or he will father a bunch of kids and not support them , we do what we can get away with! Good Future to You

Answer 19

if he was a real man he would live up to his decisions which was obviously gettign you prego!!! so tell him to look at that thing growing in between his legs and MAN UP!!! those poor children need a dad in their lives!!!

Answer 20

You can't force him to be a father.  The courts can force him to contribute financially, but that's all.

And no, it's NOT "fine".  It was not meant to be, that's true, but it's not fine.  You made some very bad choices, and now you and your daughters and your boyfriend and a lot of other people are suffering because of it.

It's NOT fine.

But you're stuck with it.

Answer 21

I KNEW IT!!! before i got to... "He also mentioned he has met someone and wants to start fresh and stuff."...he is starting over with someone else, someday he will regret this, my son;s dad does, but he will never admit it, men just don;t do that. My son's dad started over with some women and she was good to him and he screwed it up and got with soem women who got her kids taken away and then had a child with her.

I would not speak bad about him to the girls, just keep it ot yourself and talk bad abotu him to your friends, thats their dad and no matter how bad he is...just try to explain why he is not around in the best way you can without dissing him. Thats just my two cents on that. You just go on with your life and be thankful he gave you some money. I can;t find my old man to get money to save my life.

Answer 22

he seems like a piece of c**p...

well at least he's gonna pay for there schooling...

that's more then most men do...

but if he doesn't follow through with giving them money for school...

then take him to court and ruin his life....

Answer 23

I think he should be castrated!

awh honey, I can imagine how you feel! But unfortunately you can't make him see his daughters only support them financially which he is doing. Still I believe what goes round comes round & he will get his comeuppance! Stay strong & I wish you & your daughters all the best!

Answer 24

That's so sad for your children.  However, they really don't know their dad, because he only visits once a year.  He's not a dad or a father figure whatsoever.

It's nice that he set up a college fund, if what he said is true, or if he's just trying to break it off with a nice reward at the end.

You can't make someone be a dad to their kids.  You can't force him, so what is the answer you want? Yes, respect his wishes.  Make sure he pays child support. Go to court if you need to.

I don't doubt that his new "girlfriend" had something to do with his decision.

Answer 25

And what would happen if you didn't feel it? What if you wanted to start a fresh? Tell him to stop throwing his dummy out of his pram and face up to his responsibilities. You're children will be soon at an age where they'll be asking for things, is he trying to avoid this cost? He needs to start being a father and acting like a man. Your daughters are not toys he can throw out when he gets tired of them. (This is nothing personal towards you but he's making excuses, he needs to face the facts). Good luck x

Answer 26

He is trying to get out of paying child support.  His new chick probably wants nothing to do with his daughters and wants his attention to go to her and her only.  I am guessing it was his new gf's mastermind behind all of this if this just came out of the blue.  I would get it is writing and have it notarized that he is still going to fully pay for their college...don't let him lie just to sweeten the pot for you.  And no I would not respect his wish!  He is their father, don't let him off the hook of his duties just because he wants to have a whole new life with another girl.  I would get a lawyer and take him to court to make sure he has to pay for child support (along with their college) still leave him his visitation rights, but that one is up to him if he is going to take the time to see them or not.  I am sorry that your daughters father is acting like a douche.

Answer 27

It's his prerogative to cut off communication, but that doesn't mean he can cut off his obligations.  Don't take his word on the college fund - it's most likely BS.  Take him to court and get a child support order.  After that, tell him he's free to never contact his daughters again.