Why would my fiance keep secrets from me?

Question

My fiance and I have been together for over two years now and we love spending time with each other, she does though however like hanging out with her other friends as well and i'm fine with that because i trust her, but i had just found out that these other friends she has been hanging out with she has constantly been drinking with, and had told me she had quit doing that before we were even together, so when i tried talking to her about it she said i was too controlling and said i didnt trust her, so my question is was i wrong to ask her about everything else she has been keeping secret from me and did i maybe over react by being upset?

Answer 1

She shouldn't lie to you about anything.  However, if she chooses to go out with her friends for drinks (even now) that's her absolute RIGHT and you have no right to tell her she can't.  (this is coming from a guy).  I know because if my gf told me that I am simply not allowed to go out to a bar and have fun, then I would break up with her.  Life's too short, not to enjoy it!  Maybe you should go out with her and her friends sometime to break the ice.  Never let a woman control you and YOU should never try and control a woman.  My gf and I have an extreme opposite opinion on nightlife.  She's more into the lounges where drinks cost way too much and I'm into crazy hole-in-the wall dive bars where drinks are cheap, the music is really loud, and people dance on the bar.  I will NEVER leave that lifestyle until I die because it's something I find fun in life.  The same way, you shouldn't ask your gf to end her previous lifestyle with her friends as long as she also dedicates some time for you as well.  It's a two way street.

Answer 2

If you found out and she didn't tell you, and then you confronted her about it, she has every right to feel like people are sneaking around behind her back. Unless you were there, you don't know ALL the details, especially the extent of the drinking - which, according to whomever told you may have been better or worse than it actually is. If you don't see any outward signs of too much partying - constant hangovers, etc. - then I think you can reasonably assume that this drinking is not of the college frat party variety and that whoever you found out from may have overreacted.

Also, there is the importantce of the matter of who you found out from. That person is not your friend, or hers. They did it purely to cause trouble, because if they were her friend, they would have asked her directly instead of coming to you behind her back.

If she has a history of binge drinking, tell her you are concerned about her and leave it at that. Obviously the drinking thing bothers you, so you need to have a conversation about exactly why it bothers you and to what extent. Are drinks at dinner bad? How about a margarita at a party, or beer at a game? You need to discuss the standard before you hold her to it. If you feel like she's hiding something, you might as well approach her about it honestly instead of throwing your "evidence" at her. If she feels like you are judging her, she will keep hiding things and that would be really bad.

Bottom line: You overreacted because you heard the news secondhand and didn't verify it with her before throwing a fit. She will probably be raw about it for a couple weeks, and she has a right to be, because she has learned that she has a "friend" she can't trust and that you put more stock in what they say than what she tells you. Also, I wouldn't make it a habit of hanging around with whomever ratted her out.

Answer 3

If these problems are surfacing now STOP and reconsider things. they do not improve you can not change someone. If she is dishonest now  you know ahead of time what kind of person she is and if you continue in the relationship it will escalate  she will assume you put up with it before so you will again just as you know that she did it once and will wonder ever more-All that TRUST is gone it's history and you will never get it back. Do you want this for the rest of your life? NO you didn't over react and you should be upset and consider your future with this person and get out while you can and cut your losses- you can learn from this. Some things can be worked out or compromised but dishonesty is not one of them.

Answer 4

If she hids little things she will hide big ones. She may be a sneak.

Answer 5

Don't ask if you don't wanna be hurt by your gf trying to hide things from you...maybe she just don't want you to worry or hurt your feelings...maybe she have been going thru with something else...problems maybe...let her...in time...she will share what's been going on with her...try not to worry much.

Answer 6

She was wrong for not telling you the truth. Did you over react no If she had lied to you and then got on the defense then I would wonder. Maybe the best thing she should have done was admit she did wrong. But you have every right to be upset.

Answer 7

Did she have a drinking problem in the past? Is that why her drinking with her friends bothering you so much? If you answered "yes" then you have all right to be concerned because you love her and care about her. Speak to her about how you feel. She shouldn't be lying to you. A relationship can't succeed without trust.  

Answer 8

You did nothing wrong.  She is ashamed of her behavior and trying to pin it on you as a way to deflect the blame from herself.

Answer 9

no, you didnt overreact at all.  she says you don't trust her, yet she lied to you by saying she quit drinking when really she didn't.  What reason whould you have to trust her if she lied to you?  Asking where she is and who she is with is not controlling at all.  I don't even leave the house without talling my hubby where I'm going and he doesn't either.  If hes at work and I go out then when he asks me what I did today I tell him.  Obviously you want to know what eachother is up to.  If she is keeping secrets and freaking out when you call her out on them I would be a bit worried there is much more to the situation then you think.  Sit her down and talk to her about it again.  Tell her you cant be getting married to someone who is sneaking around and lying to you.  If she doesnt understand then I'm sorry to say but she isnt marriage material. Couples who last are the couples who are truthful and can communicate.

Answer 10

the person who told you this...do they like her? if not, it is quite possible they are lying to try and start a huge fight between you guys. I've had it happen to me by my fiance's friends so many times.  At one point I accused him of cheating because they convinced me he was.  He never was, not even close. I knew he never would and I knew he'd never lie (and I still do) but they convinced me of it anyways.  Almost broke us up.

It's just a few drinks with friends, maybe she didn't tell you because you get all upset like this.  

My advice: wait til both of you have calmed down and respectfully approach her about discussing the situation. Don't accuse her, don't get mad, don't raise your voice. Just talk.  If either of you start to get too mad or too upset, both of you walk into different rooms for a few minutes. calm down and then continue the conversation.

good luck

Answer 11

No you didn't overreact. Your finace told you that she quit drinking and you trusted her. she just lied. and you DID trust her. i think what you did was right because i mean you two are going to be married and you shouldn't keep ANYTHING from each other.  

Answer 12

No you did not overreact, she lied to you. Tell her to be honest or your relationship will never last.

Answer 13

I would be concerned, too.  Especially since she told you that she quit drinking.  Hanging out with friends is one thing, going out drinking w/friends another.  Keeping secrets like this is not the greatest of ways to begin a life together.  I do not think that you over reacting at all. Your being upset is understandable and justified.

Answer 14

If you're uncomfortable with her drinking that much, you have every right to talk to her about it. She should be more understanding, it was wrong of her to jump to the conclusion of you not trusting her. In a relationship you have to make compromises, you have to trust one another and you have to comunicate. Those are the three main things. Talk to her again, not in an accusatory way, let her know that you're okay with her hanging out with her friends, but it's wrong for her to keep secrets. If you're going to get married, you both need to open up and communicate.