Why would someone be set dead against adoption?

Question

Please read below before answering so you will know the reason in behind this being asked:

My co-worker who is in college (23 yrs) right now said that she wants two children of her own and then adopt another so she can give a child a chance and better life that doesn't have one. This has always been something that she wanted to do. I guess because she has a big heart. Her fiancee (27 yrs) who is also in college but almost done is set dead against it. She didn't want to have children or adopt until they have established their careers. They both will be in excellent careers, so what is the problem? He told her that he will give her children like they have 3 of their own and he has no problem with that but he is completely against adopting a child. Why would someone be set dead against adopting a child?

Answer 1

First of all, there is no telling exactly how good their financial situation will be. They're still in college and don't have established careers yet. Second, your friend's fiance is right--if the two of them are able to have as many biological children as they want, the logical choice is to choose having biological children vs. adopted. It's noble to say that all children are loved equally, but sometimes that just isn't the case, and the biological children are loved just that bit more.  And also, there are so many couples who can't have any children and for that reason, they should be first in line to adopt. Why take away a potential adoptive child from someone like that?

Answer 2

Fear of the unknown

Answer 3

I think that your co-worker's fiance is one of two types:

1- Completely ignorant of adoption and feels that he could only bond with his biological children

OR

2 - Has had some experience with adoption and is aware that it is extremely complex and can be very expensive.  He may be experienced enough to not look at adoption wearing rose coloured glasses as most of Americans do.

Answer 4

Some people consider adopted children "other people's problems."  The stereotype is that if the child is up for adoption it's parents had serious problems and so does the child.  They see adoptable children as "crack babies" or otherwise disabled, i.e., "second class."  I think it's really sad that prejudice runs so deep it's focused against children.

Meanwhile, there ARE children up for adoption who do have serious problems.  They also need capable, loving homes in which to grow up.

Answer 5

EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN REASONS.

USUALLY, IT IS FEAR OF SOMETHING.

OR EVEN PEOPLE CAN BE SELFISH AND DO NOT WANT TO SHARE.

SOME PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE THE LOVE FOR OTHERS AS THIS LADY DOES.

IF HE IS DEAD SET AGAINST IT I WOULD NOT DO IT. IT WOULD ALWAYS BE A PROBLEM OR BONE OF CONTENTION.

I WOULD EVEN THINK TWICE ABOUT MARRYING HIM.

YOU KNOW ,YOU CAN FIND A GUY THAT WOULD BE HAPPY WITH ADOPTED CHILDREN AS WELL AS YOUR OWN.

Answer 6

Because they are selfish.  I can't believe a woman who would care enough to want to adopt a child would actually be with a man so cruel and selfish.

Answer 7

THERE ARE SO MANY REASONS (NOT THAT I AGREE WITH THEM) THAT SOMEONE MIGHT BE AGAINST ADOPTION.

1. FEAR - OF GETTING A CHILD AND THEN HAVING A BIRTH PARENT CHANGE THEIR MIND AFTER THEY BOND WITH THE CHILD.

2. ARROGANCE- SOME MEN MIGHT FEEL THAT IF THEY ADOPT A CHILD IT MIGHT MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE "LESS OF A MAN" IF HE CAN'T "MAKE HIS OWN BABIES"

3.LACK OF KNOWLEDGE- IF YOU DON'T DO A LOT OF RESEARCH ON ADOPTION YOU REALLY DON'T GET A GOOD IDEA OF THE PROCESS.

4. RUMORS- THEY MAY HAVE HEARD RUMORS OR "HORROR STORIES" THAT SCARE THEM FROM THE ADOPTION PROCESS.

5. SPECIAL NEEDS CHILDREN- HE MIGHT NOT WANT TO RISK BEING CHOSEN BY A BIRTHMOM WHO MAY BE CARRYING A CHILD WITH SPECIAL NEEDS OR ONE THAT MAY HAVE AN ADDICTION AT BIRTH.

WHO KNOWS.......THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS THAT CAN SOUND SCARY TO A POTENTIAL ADOPTIVE PARENT, SOME OF THESE THINGS CROSSED MY MIND WHEN WE WERE GOING THRU THE PROCESS THE FIRST TIME, BUT IT REALLY CAME DOWN TO ME WANTING TO BE A MOM MORE THAN ANYTHING. YOU AREN'T PROMISED A PERFECT PREGNANCY, DELIVERY OR PERFECTLY HEALTHY BABY IN NATURE SO WHY SHOULD IT BE ANY DIFFERENT WITH ADOPTION. YOU GET WHAT THE LORD GIVES YOU.

Answer 8

maybe he's schooled on the negetive aspect of adoption. I am adamantly against adoption in the US. There never should be private adoption agencies trying to meet the needs of the demand, adoptions should be about the child, and the child should only lose his/her mother if she REALLY is unfit. Poverty is NEVER a reason for a child to lose his/her family. There are too many unnecessary separations in the adoption industry these days. Overseas govt.'s are demanding women surrender their children and that should never equal building a family for childless couples over here. the list really goes on and on.... not to mention the lack of human rights adoptees get, we definatly get the short end of the stick.

Answer 9

Could be many reasons -

* perhaps he knows someone who is adopted - and has seen first hand how adoption can effect the adoptee.

* perhaps he just wants to have his own children - many people feel this way - and in 99% of cases - most will at least attempt to have their own children before adopting. It's human nature.

* perhaps he believes in family conservation. Keeping children within the family that they were born to.

* perhaps he's done a lot of research into the true stories behind adoption.

Society too often sees adoption as a happy-happy-joy-joy institution - without realizing that there are many losses and much pain for the mother's who lose children to adoption - and for the adoptees.

Adoptive parents receive most of the gains.

Answer 10

I knew a couple that was the same way.  They were not able to have children, and the wife wanted to adopt but the husband said "NO".  They ended up in a divorce, sadly.  His reasons were that he did not want to raise someone else's child.  His thoughts on adoption were that the bio family might try to come back, or there was medical history that was unknown, etc.  Obviously we disagreed with him also and tried to talk to him, but he flatly refused to change his mind.  It was just his belief - AND he was a great guy whom we loved dearly.  

I know that when we were considering adoption, I worried that I wouldn't be able to love the child as my own.  I also still sometimes grieve over the fact that I never experienced pregnancy, but there is one thing that I've been absolutely sure of from the moment I met my son - he is MY son in every sense of the word and I would give my life for him just as if he had been born to me!  The only reason that we even "remember" he's adopted most times is because he does have a genetic medical disorder and it's important for us to tell doctors he's adopted for that reason.  

Good luck to your friend.

Answer 11

If it has been a desire of her heart for that long, she may want to rethink marrying this man.  Seriously, this kind of difference can make or break a marriage & at least she knows about it before they take their vows.

Some people feel like they can't love a child that isn't of their own genetic material the same as they would love a child that was.  I don't understand that as I have two biological, two adopted and one foster.  I love them all dearly & would walk to the ends of the earth for them.

Answer 12

i think because he feels that if they can have their own that is what he wants to do. it makes sense but that is ok also eachperson has their own ways and he oculdn't maybe love someone elses kid and that is good to be honest.

Answer 13

I think he's a bit selfish and doesn't want to provide to a child who is not of his blood. He can also be afraid of the genes of the adopted child too. I'm sorry he's soo against adoption and I'm happy for your friend who has a big heart.  Good luck for them.

Answer 14

The bottom line is that it doesn't matter why he is against adoption, but just the fact that he is against it means that they should NOTdo it! That's not to say that he can't have a change of heart, but no one should EVER be pushed into adopting a child! His reasons for adoption may be due to ignorance, past experiences, or fear, but no matter the reason, he has the right to be against adoption and his chioce should be respected.

Answer 15

The sad fact is that some people don’t feel they could raise a child that is not biological theirs. If this is something she has always wanted to do she is going to have revaluated her relationship. Ask him why he is so against it, even more that its not like she said ‘we’re just going to have adopted children honey.’ If it is one of her goals to one day adopt at least one child and her future husband is dead set against it then she has to decide a path: marry him and don’t adopt, unless he changes his mind. Or break up with him and find a man she loves but is willing to adopt.  

I can feel for her because I too hope to one day have some natural kids and adopt and I just wouldn’t marry a man who was not ok with adoption. Just like I wouldn’t marry a guy who doesn’t want to have kids.

Answer 16

I think the best thing is that he's honest. If he doesn't feel that he can love and appreciate an adopted child then it's best the he not try to overcome his feelings.

My husband (before my daughter was born) didn't think he could ever consider adoption. After I alomst died having her, he changed his mind real quick.

I think that the choice to adopt shouldn't be based on "giving a child a good home" If your heart isn't in it for the love you can share with eachother. My son has MANY health issues and I have NEVER felt like  I was doing "good deed" caring for him. I feel blessed just to know him.

My husband and I aren't "blood relativies" we loved each other more than anything else, so yeah we could also love a child who is not our "blood relativies"

He loves and cares for our son the same as our daughter.

Answer 17

Some people think adopted kids are poorly adjusted or they'll never feel like part of the family or they don't want to raise "somebody else's child."  A lot of my family members feel this way.  While I am definitely hoping to adopt one day, I fear that myadopted kids will be treated differently by my extended family members which makes me conflicted.

Answer 18

This is definitely something that needs to be worked out before they get married, or one of them will be unhappy in the future.  I married one who thought about adopting as a single parent, so I don't have that problem.

Answer 19

I think this is a difficult question to answer since it is not about you or a friend but, a friend's fiance. Fe is the only one who knows why he is so against adoption. Is he against adoption or is he just opposed to the idea of he himself adopting a child? Many people have no thoughts about how they personally feel about adoption because it is one of those things that you think will never come up in your own life. This guy might just assume that he could only love his own kids. I think that is a pretty common attitude but, it changes for some people when they want a child very badly and know that adoption will bring them a child. It isn't any different, I think, then assuming that you could only want to adopt a baby of your own race or ethnicity or a family member or whatever -- until the situation is part of your life. It's too bad this man has such strong feelings and they disagree so contradictingly with those of his fiance. It seems to me that this is an issue that is best worked out before they get married. Whatever his reasons are for feeling the way he does, it is up to him to change or not change and there is nothing "wrong" with the way he feels -- unless he gets "convinced" to adopt a child when he already knows it is not what he wants to do.

Answer 20

IF she wants to adopt and he is dead set against it, they should end their relationship and find people that are on the same page.

There are many reasons including having an investigation into your private life.  Many people don't like that.

Answer 21

It might be that he doesn't want the child to grow up hating him when it finds out that it was lied to all it's life. Meaning that since parents in the USA lie to their adopted children and don't tell them where they are from the children go looking for their real parents and may cut off all ties with their adoptive parents.  Or maybe he doesn't want to take care of a child that is not his flesh and blood because he wouldn't have any real claims to it.