Wife troubbles, Help Save a Family?

Question

I'm embarrassed to talk with anyone outside my family about this so please be gentle. Been married for 14 yrs to a beautiful Loving woman. we have 4 kids together and we have had our share of problems, nothing major just lots of little things.

About 3 years ago she made friends with my sis in law. EVERY THING CHANGED. we went from mostly happy to mostly mad at each other. Now this was me being mad mostly. It was like I lost my friend, I know that sounds selfish but really since then I am so lonely. she used to unload her days emotions/ frustrations/happyness Whatever was on her mind to me every day. sometimes I would wish she wouldn't but I felt king of my domain when I would here her out.

Now she has 3 more friends she talks to daily (all are divorced) now lately I find little "clues" every where I look like secret computer post about how awesome this guy is and things she would do to him, on and on. She says its just girl talk, but when your husband reads it it's very F#$@&*hurtfulll. I think she just doesn't care what I think or she is very close to leaving me. now I'm sitting home insted of working because I cannot Functionn at work, and to her this whole thing is no big deal. I really have had enough of this mental abuse. I just dont know what to do. any advise would help

Answer 1

You need to tell her how you feel.  She may feel like your not there for her if your mad all the time and telling you about what she would do with another man is to push your buttons.  Just talk things over with her until you have solved the issues or until you know what is right.  I wouldn't give up on a 14yr marriage yet. You can always look at my profile and see the last 2 questions I asked and see that your not the only one having a tough time.  Just talk. Good Luck.

Answer 2

My dear friend !!!!!

First of all make your self brave to accept realities. To put up with realities.

Had you read this question as an outsider, if you were not in the present situation, what would you have done?

Simply show  either some sympathy or if you think the person has not lived up to general expectations, then comment on him liberally and forget the issue.

So where does this leave you now as an insider.?

Every issue will generally have two or more view points. Here one is your views. The second is your (Loving Woman)wife's views.

The third is your sis in law or the other three new acquaintances of your wife.

All the three got to be different and what is important is not the discussion as who is correct? But what can be done or undone to make yourself and your wife be together and continue to be happy.

If you do not get me wrongly, I will say few things:

1. your wife:

"she used to unload her days emotions/ frustrations/happyness Whatever was on her mind to me every day. sometimes I would wish she wouldn't but I felt king of my domain when I would here her out.."

Any one unloads what you have said only to persons they have access to, the persons they feel theirs,the persons whom they feel can really receive these unloads. So she has lot of closeness, love a and feeling of a friend or well wisher, and she unloads to you because you are the best person whom she can relied on.

Hence understand this weak point in her and try to encash it to your advantage.

2. If she is going to other friends or men for either silly actions, or chitchat or some togetherness, it is a question to yourself, if you are giving her, what she is seeking from others. Just search yourself and try to understand here in the angle of her psychology, treating her as a child of ignorance.

Try out whatever is feasible. I tell you, there is nothing more for you to loose, but you may gain in the process.

3. don't get frustrated. Try to attend to your legitimate duties. Do not stop to go to your work. It is what that feeds you. If you don't work, even financial crisis may make you crumble down.

4. You said ,"About 3 years ago she made friends with my sis in law. EVERY THING CHANGED. we went from mostly happy to mostly mad at each other. Now this was me being mad mostly."

What is the difference between "made for each other" and "mad for each other"?

MADE became MAD. The letter "E" brought out from Made to become Mad. This "E" stands for EGO. The Ego in YOURSELF and in your WIFE. It does not allow to see the others mind, others point of view, others requirement, but only be critical about everything to be faultfinding rather than understanding.

So ensure that your EGO becomes a strength for you for an open mind, and see what is wrong with your wife. try to counsel your wife yourself. Ask her what she wants. Don't question her why she is behaving like this, but ask her what else she needs, and if you can give her yourself. That only will open her mind and makes her think in the required rational way. Then the "E" joins MAD and becomes MADE again. The "E" should be there in a positive direction.

5. I will say only one thing to you. There is nothing more you have can loose now. So accept whatever comes on way. Be obliged to admit with out any reservation. If she thinks, still, you are not wanted, then it is a different issue and you can make your own new life. But I feel you will continue to be with your present wife happily by molding her into a new life.

Never sympathize yourself. Be strong and positive. If you loose mental strength, you will fail to see what is good to you. I hope this is enough now. Please excuse me if ever I had hurt you by any chance.

Answer 3

I been there.  You feel like your sister has stabbed you in the back, she's your family and supposed to automatically be on your side.  That part is one thing, it's understandable feeling the way you do for that.  But this other thing, finding little messages about what she would do if she met this person, etc, that is taking things too far.  If I seen such messages I would think I was about to be cheated on, and I wouldn't be wrong either.  If I were you I think I would have a long talk with her about it and just ask her what is she thinking?  It's possible she means nothing by it, as her friends are single they probably talk quite a bit about men (all women do and nasty things by the way).  You need to make her understand that while this does not seem serious to her it is very serious to you.  Tell her how you feel and ask her if she thinks she can begin to share his life and problems with you again like she used to.  I think you should also begin spending more time with her, get her away from these friends of hers as often as you can, but don't start telling her she can't talk to them.  If you do there will be trouble.    

Answer 4

Lets see, you have been married 14 years and your jealous that you wife has friends.  You really sound as though you are having insecurity problems and your fears are unfounded.  I have been married most of my life and use to be just like you, it cost me two marriages.  After some counseling and resolving some of my own personal issues, I have finally reached a point in my life were I am happy.  I have been married ten years to my wife, she has lots of friends outside of our marriage, she travels with her job and spends nights with friends.  I have no fears or jealousies concerning what she is or isn't doing.  I have my own life and I live it to the fullest that I can.  Life is short, do not waste it worrying about petite stuff.  Good luck.

Answer 5

   You really need to get some help.  It sounds like you want to make a difference but you're not willing to make an effort.  Your sister in law is easy to blame and then that way you can blame your own issues on someone else.  The blame game- its not what a man should do.Thats the "man-up" you should be doing.  Maybe you could get some counseling. I know its not easy.  But is losing your wife and kids easier then that?  As far as a "magic pill" there is one, you can research online what your symptoms are and get it from your doctor.

Sometimes admitting that there might be something wrong with you is the best thing for a marriage.  Dont blame your wife's friends and your sis, they are just listening to your wife instead of you.  

Answer 6

marriage counseling and if that doesnt work divorce her and I know you dont want that but if she has turned the other way its going to be hard to bring her back wine and dine romance her win her back  and invite your sis in law over along with her friends beat them at their own game ask your wife if she is unhappy and wants a divorce get that communication going

Answer 7

i'm so sorry,but it seems like she prefers to be with her "divorced" friends and enjoying their company rather than being with you...it seems like she doesn't care about you anymore.but i think,maybe it's better to let her know how u really feel and talk about it..maybe she juz needs her "space" but i know that it's not right.she's still married unlike her friends.talk to her about it.if u still love her then,let her know!!she's so lucky having u as a husband...    

Answer 8

Married Couples, need married friends.

I can tell from what you have said, that I have been right where you are.

I believe that the damage done to your marriage by having the influence of single women (dating single women) is phenomenal.

But you have tried all the words, probably sworn and pulled tempers. This is all normal.

Try this,.

Go to a God believing church, , not Catholic, not some UPC pentecostal , but a church like the Assemblies, talk to the pastor there, PRAY, start finding out what to do as a man, because women and men are wired differently,

we can not make some one else do the right thing, we can only do what is right our selves. \

It is hard, and i know where you are coming from.

I HAVE BEEN A VERY VERY BAD BOY>

Don't mope, it is hard, go now to a man you can trust and also one who is into protecting marriages.

Talk and pray figure it out, and Trust Jesus.

It would not hurt at all if right now you just pray to Jesus even if you don't know Him.

He will reveal Himself.

Sounds like hocus pocus, but it is real.

Divorce is not an option, neither is fighting.  You promised for better or worse, well it doesn't get any worse than this,

Fight for your marriage the way I said, and one of two things will happen, you will either have it work out much better, or she will continue down a very sad and lonely road with you living right.

I agree with Stormy, it sounds like you are about to be cheated on, and that does not make you a control freak. A marriage is the relationship between A man and A woman, not several of each.

protecting your marriage is not control, telling her who she can talk to is.

Be careful, or you will lose more than you could imagine.

It doesn't all just come back together after divorce, with or without kids, it is a huge scar.

Answer 9

Talk to her about it.  Sit down with her and talk face to face.  I would say something along the lines of :  I have been happily married to you these past 14 years.   I think that you are a wonderful mother, cook, and friend.  I know that lately I have been kind of blowing up over little things because I have missed the closeness that we had.  At one time in our lives, I was the person who heard about your happy times, your sad times and everything else in between.  I feel left out of your life.  I desire the closeness and intimacy that we once shared.  I want us to be honest with each other about everything that we feel.  What do you think?  Then let her respond.  From there I would suggest waking up each and everyday and making her feel like she is the most loved woman in the world.   Take her out on a date...do something that she would love to do...maybe go dancing or something like that.  Buy her flowers once in awhile, watch the sunset together, do more things together.  Maybe go on a bike ride together.  Often times things like this come up because of neglect.  The neglect has been going on for a very long time but by the time it is noticed it has already been a cancer to someone else.  Try paying more attention to her and talk to her openly and honestly...find out what is going on with her and DO what she suggests.  If she tells you what she needs from you...believe her and do what you can to make it better.

Good Luck

Answer 10

If you have tried to TALK to her about how you feel. Then it's time to take the next step. What would she do if it were you talking about some 18 yo. ?

There are steps you need to take before saying or doing anything. They are lengthy, so if you need to contact feel free to do so.

Answer 11

You sound like a control freak and she's breaking free. Probably too late for you to change.

Answer 12

Her "friends" are brainwashing her.  Tell her her friends have to go.  She's getting caught up in their single lifestyle that will ruin the marriage.