Wife wants nothing to do with husband's family?

Question

My husband's family is rude, disrespectful and deliberately hurtful. I have put up with them for 25 years and I'm at the point where I no longer want anything to do with them.

My husband is a mamma's boy - driven by guilt to do whatever they want and he has not been able to put me and "our" family first. He is controlling and never allowed the relationship between me and his family to stand on its own legs. He always had to "manage" it and he made some really big mistakes. Things like telling them about our fights/problems, refusing to draw boundaries, staying silent when they were disrespectful, making excuses for their rude behavior, etc.

Recently, my MIL got mad at me and decided to "punish" me. She is passive aggressive. It doesn't take much for her to write a person off - she has no friends and is not on speaking terms with any family because everything "offends" her. She was not speaking to me anymore because I said I don't like pork and she took it to mean I thought dinner was terrible.

She said and did a lot of hurtful things for almost a year over this trivial offense. I begged my husband to talk to her but he refused and let things escalate to the point where I am done with the bull$#iT. He needs to be a man and stand up for me but all he does is wuss out and let me be the rug. I did nothing wrong.

Then our daughter got engaged and my husband's family acted like she didn't have a mother. But then I held an elegant party for our daughter and they realized that they would not be part of the wedding the way they want if they don't "patch" things up so suddenly, they are all "making nice" like nothing ever happened. No apology, just a sudden turn of face.

I was polite and civil but certainly not warm to them. They complained to my husband that they felt "excluded". Oh, the irony! They felt "excluded"??? They were all against me - not even the decency to say "Congratulations" but now I am such a terrible person for not l*****g their feet! This is how they think - they are always entitled and I am always obligated. They declare war over nothing and then want me to "pretend" like nothing happened when they have been trashing me for a year - even saying things to my kids and telling my husband to divorce me. WTF???

I've had enough. I want nothing to do with their double standard that makes me always wrong, always guilty and always the rug the wipe their feet on. They add nothing but pain and grief to my life. I don't deserve this c**p. I've been a really good wife to my husband and raised 3 kids who are kind, tolerant, forgiving, understanding and also highly educated achievers. My kids (all 20+ yrs old) are very disappointed and totally understand and support my position. They want to have a good relationship with their father's side of the family and appreciate my respect for that but totally understand that I don't need to be a rug to let them have that. My husband seems to feel that if I don't eat $#!T for him, he can't have a good relationship. He keeps pressuring me to "make peace" for his sake.

"Making peace" means spending time with people who look for ways to hurt and punish me because if I don't take their abuse on my knees, I'm no good. No thanks.

Am I wrong? Where do you draw the line? My husband won't stand up for me so I think it's time I stand up for myself - does this make sense to you?

Please help. I need some support! But if I am wrong, I will listen.

Answer 1

Just stay away from his family.  If he doesn't like it, too bad, you have your own self respect to deal with and they don't give you any, him included.  Draw a line in the sand if he isn't on your side, then you know where he stands.

Answer 2

somtimes darlin, enough is enough

stand your ground

Answer 3

Tell your husband you know his problems with his family go back long before you were in the picture and he can't turn on a dime to fix things or stand up to them, so you won't pressure him to do so.

However, you will not be dealing with them anymore. If you are forced to spend a family holiday with them in order for you, your husband and kids to be together, fine but you stay for the least possible time and are not expected to make nice beyond being civil.

However, since your daughter is/is about to be married now, you need to think about starting new traditions where she and her husband go to your house as "home."  That might mean his family is sometimes excluded, but you are in fact moving into new roles.

Good luck and God bless on doing it for 25 years without snapping.

Answer 4

Stay away from them just bec they are his family means nothing they are not yours. She sounds like she is mental. I don't have anything to do with my MIL and it works just fine for me.

If I have to see her again in the future I won't even say hi. If they can't respect you then s***w em.  

Answer 5

Wow, what a pain in the a**.  You need to keep your self respect and become more pro-active rather than reactive with them.  I would suggest you question them to their face why they do the things you say they've done to offend you and others.  Just look 'em in the eye and be stern without being cruel and mean.  Don't be judgemental either, just ask "why did you do that?" and so on.  I hope this makes sense to you.

Answer 6

Wow, you mean I not the only person with the same c**p???  My relationship with my MIL is polite at most, and that is just because that's his mom and I know he has to have a relationship with her.  Pull yourself away from his family.  When you do that, the comments no long cut so deep and you will be happier.  I don't care if my husband goes to see them for a birthday or whatever, that doesn't mean I have to go with him.  Doing this has also made his family realize maybe they are not so nice and are really trying.  It only took 15 yrs for them to realize that:o)  

Answer 7

You´re not wrong, you have the rights to stand up for yourself if your husband doesn´t. It´s his job to do it, to have done it years ago, from the start. You´ve really answered your own question, everything you said is what I wouldn´t have answered you. What I will highly recommend is talk to your husband, by any way, through words, letter, or whatever you think will work to make him realize that first comes you, then his family. His family is left behind from the moment he married you. You´ve got to be the most important person because you´re his wife. That´s just the way it is. And if his family don´t respect you, and he won´t stand up for you, and even after you standing up to them, he keeps going under the rader for them, he doesn´t respect you either in some way.

I don´t think he´s very clear on what a husband and wife union means. It means going against the world to deffend the relationship, no matter against who, even against family. As long as you´re right, of course.

It doesn´t mean he should never speak to his mother or be rude to her, but pretty much say: "if you can´t stand my wife, tough. But I will not by any circumstance allow you to make her feel bad or disrespected."

You need to make him realize this because it could ruin your relationship with him, and you won´t want him to be mad at you all the time over this. It´s important to make up with him, and it´s important for him to realize how right you are, and how wrong he´s been all this time. He´s an example to your kids, and thank God they understand your position.

You seem like a very brave person. You seem like you can handle situations maturely, so I believe you will work things out with your husband.

I hope most answers are similar to mine giving you reason, and you should show them all to him. We´re all strangers but let´s face it, marriage problems and family problems, we all have them! No matter what race or color we are, we all have them.

So if you do show your husband these answers or mine at least here´s a word to you: You wife needs YOU, her man, her husband, to stand up for her, against whoever. Yes, even against your family. If she feels they´ve been rude to her, you need to deffend her. You need to protect her from all that. She shouldn´t be standing up for herself, however you´ve driven her to do that. If your mother in law was rude to her, what would you do? Stay quiet just because she´s the mother of your wife? Nope, you would comment this to your wife and she would have a talk with her. It´s how things are dealt to avoid all these caos you´ve caused because of your inability to stand up for her. Your wife deserves your family to treat her well and with respect, don´t you think? It´s a yes or no asnwers, not a..."things aren´t what you think and who the h**l are you?" It´s a simple yes or no and you´ve clearly decided it´s a no. Who´s the most important person in your life besides your kids? Who´s the peron you need to make happy? That´s right, it´s your wife. Please realize this.

Answer 8

Yes, it does seem as though your husband is still too attached to his family of origin. Not standing up for his wife and allowing his relatives to disrespect you is not being a full supportive partner.

It also sounds like his mother may have borderline personality disorder. They have a strong need to control others, and have extreme black and white thinking, where a person is either all good or all bad, but never both. They don't take criticism or even the perception of it, very well. They use emotional blackmail as FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) and verbal abuse to get their way, and they have few friends, since they alienate so many who try to get close to them. Their children are either copies of them, or fearful of them. Being around them, you feel like you are walking on eggshells, always afraid of setting them off.

If this is true, then your H was raised to be compliant, and fears her anger and disapproval. Changing things now will be difficult for him, since he probably needs their approval to feel good.

What can you do about it? Stand up for yourself, but don't expect your husband to support you on it. Become knowledgeable about borderline personality, so that you will know how to engage and not engage in the games they play. There are many others who deal with similar situations, and they can be found over at bpdfamily.com.

Answer 9

You are NOT wrong. If he won't stand up for you then he can't ask of you what he refuses to give, i.e. respect. He has to give respect before he asks it and it sounds like he wants you to give away your self-respect so he and his family can feel respected even when they do/say things that are not very respectable! I don't think so...

I suspect you will find that once you draw the line thick and clear, they will be careful where they step. Just don't lose the punch of giving them a taste of their own medicine. Your daughter's wedding is your ace up the sleeve. It is not their event, it is yours. Don't let them ruin it for you! Go do your thing and let them know that it is YOUR thing, not theirs.

No matter how much pressure your husband puts on you, remember this: This is YOUR daughter and YOUR happiness. Nobody has any rights if those rights come at your cost. Don't give up ANYTHING! Not for them, not for anybody. Claim what is yours!

When extended family becomes toxic (as yours has), they lose their privileges and do NOT deserve to have their way leaving destruction in their wake. The boundaries have clearly been breached and you have already put up with more than is healthy or should be expected.

Your husband has loyalty issues and that is not your problem - it is his. He should be in therapy. Any man who expects his wife to tolerate disrespect to make him happy is not being a husband/partner. He is being a needy @ss. He is being a tyrant, sorry.

He should be there for you - whether you are right or wrong, his first loyalty should be to you. If anybody is required to make a sacrifice, he should expect that party to be his family, not you. He can lose you. He can't lose his family. They are his parents and will forgive him anything and everything. If he abuses you, you won't and shouldn't forgive him. He needs to be accountable, responsible...get with the program.

Wife & children come first, extended family comes after...if and where there is room for them. They already know that, because they are still together. How can they expect your husband to stand against you with them when they set the example of standing together? Do you see how they talk out of both sides of their mouth? I think you do and your choice to stand for your family, self-respect and draw the line says you "get it". If they don't, too bad.

Go ahead, draw the line. It sounds like it was a long time coming.

You are most certainly NOT wrong!

Answer 10

You're not wrong.  They are dysfunctional.  Don't let it affect you and your kids.  Good for you for having enough common sense to raise normal children.  Now it's your turn to just walk away from them.  Let your husband continue his relationship with them, but stand your ground and tell him you're done with his family.