Wife wants to be "just friends"?

Question

Wife of 13 years has decided she is done with the physical part of a marriage. She has said her time should be better spent focusing on raising them. She would like to live as good friends for a few years and then as the kids get older; go our separate ways.

We have already had months of therapy that didn't get any where.

What should I do? Live for years as requested with no physical contact of any type - or find someone else and get a divorce?

Answer 1

honestly i would find someone else if the marriage is going nowhere. you can still remain good friends if you get a divorce, it doesn't matter if you get a divorce now or later the kids will still be affected by it. Just do what you feel is right

Answer 2

I actually have a very good friend (who is a man) who's wife did the exact same thing a couple years ago. He is sticking it out for their kids for now, but with his youngest being only 10...I don't see him doing it for another 7-8 years. I think what she is asking is completely wrong unless she is Ok with you developing a relationship that gives you what she refuses to outside the marriage. One thing I will say though is hey, at least she told you. Some women are done with the physical part of the marriage and just never tell the men. It's a tough call, I would say it really depends on how old your kids are, and if you are able to step outside the marriage?

Answer 3

It's odd to me that you don't explain why she stopped being interested in s*x.  If it's physiological, she should see a doctor.  Sometimes child bearing can produce a negative impact on women's s*x drive.  If it's psychological, it's probably because of resentments against you that she still harbors.  If so, finding out what they are and making up for them could restore your s*x life.  You're only seeing two options, do it her way or divorce, but there are other avenues to pursue.  Pursue them all, and don't give up.

Answer 4

Do you want your children to grow up believing that it's normal for a husband and wife to live together as friends?  Eventually, one or both of you will become frustrated and begin going out, dating, etc.  How will that alter your children's perception?  If nothing else, you're better off divorcing for the sake of your children.

Answer 5

What you should do depends on what you can put up with.

Perhaps, at this point in your life, you don't feel quite the same need for a sexual relationship as you did when you were younger. That does happen. If so, maybe a platonic relationship with your wife for a few years is a course of action that makes a lot of sense in practical and emotional terms.

To be totally hard-headed about this, if you've basically been warned by your wife that she intends to divorce you in a few years, you would be wise to think about how you might make sure that this does not leave you totally screwed and in a position where it's very difficult to build a new life for yourself. You've apparently done what you can to make the marriage work. Unfortunately, while it takes two to make a marriage work, it only takes one to make sure it falls apart.

It would not be a bad idea at all for you to seek counselling for yourself as others have suggested here. I would advise you to also have a conversation with a divorce lawyer about how you can try to protect your interests.

If you think you can't afford that or you just don't want to take that big step, maybe you should think about whether there's any way you could start to salt away a little every month without your wife knowing about it. Even just hiding away a few bucks in cash every month could help. It will be a financial shock when you have to start paying for separate housing expenses for yourself on top of maintenance or alimony. Some might think it mercenary to suggest this, but I think it's just a sensible reaction to your wife basically telling you, "Sorry, pal, but you're on your own from now on out in terms of physical intimacy and on your own completely in a few years." She's dumping you in slow motion. You need to start thinking about protecting your interests.

Do your best to make sure your kids are taken care of and don't suffer any emotional harm or physical lack, but you need to look out for yourself, too.

Answer 6

Tough question, tough situation, no easy answer, for you or for her or for the other members of your family, i.e., the kids. It (the answer) has so many ramifications beyond just what you want or just what she wants.

Let's suppose that what she says is 100% true as she says it.  She wants to stay together to raise the children and then, when the nest is empty, you two go your separate ways. The problem here is that unless both of honestly and openly embrace this, the kids will know something is wrong, the two of you will widen the gap between you, and the conflicts will get worse. Can you two honestly and openly do this?  You say therapy and counseling didn't work, it may be very difficult for you two to pull off her plan.

So let's suppose you two want to do what is best for the children. What is best for them? To live in a household in which there is smoldering dissent and resentment, however disguised (kids have great antenna and do know even if you try to hide emotional conflict)?

So now we're on to separation and divorce.

No easy answer, lots of questions.  I think the first thing you should do is get your own counseling. For you. Start there, and work outwards.

Answer 7

She has failed on one of her duties as a wife( I would say the same if it was a man saying this to his wife). You need to make a contract with your wife. If she is ending one of her duties then you need to have permission to make it up somewhere else. After all, how would she feel if you just up and told her you just wanted to be friends and see no point in paying the bills? After all, if she has that right then you have the right to make outrageous decisions as well.

Tell her you will abide by her request under certain terms, and get them in writing. I know that sounds crazy but make her put on paper what she "expects" you to accept. If she does have it in writing and no repercussions can come from her for what you do then I say stick around for the kids and have something on the side.

I guarantee you she will fight you on this because it is so irrational, however, her expecting you to "live as friends" is irrational in my book as well.

Answer 8

Divorce.  

Answer 9

Just try and get something going on the side.  That way kids know nothing and you get your needs taken care of.  Its not cheating I wouldn't think so.....

Answer 10

Oh man, that sucks. Why put your life on hold for her? Since when is she in charge of your marriage. Marriage decisions are made between two people. It isn't going to help your kids either for you to stay together. You don't want them to see you as friends they need to see you as two people who love each other. If I were you I would file for divorce and get on with my life.  

Answer 11

get divorced and than find someone new. you dont need to stay in a loveless marriage  

Answer 12

Go for custody of your kids and tell her to go .  

Answer 13

why u living on her terms.  be independent and divorce so you can find a new lady.  make it your terms not hers. (don't let her pull your pants down, keep them on)

Answer 14

hey my friend i was in the same boat as you . for 2 yrs ' i should have left . but i did not ' but i'm living soon . so you do the same 'and make a new life for yourself .

Answer 15

Get a divorce.  I wouldn't waste my time with a spouse who wanted to be just friends.  That's ridiculous.

Answer 16

Get divorced. Her idea was more about comfort for herself.

If you divorce and start splitting things up, property and kid visitations, it isn't easy. She probably figured it would be easier for herself physically and financially to stay in the house, and since she isn't the one with the sexual intimate desires, she could handle it. She probably truly does view you as a friend but not a husband to be intimate with anymore.

You on the other hand need to make a decision. If this is something you can do then do it, but I have seen homes like this and the kids know something is wrong and it shows them that it's okay to be like this when they grow older, to stick with someone even when something is not right. They should know to try and work things out and then leave if something is not right...

If months of therapy didn't do anything then things are not right and that should clue you in to leave and make a new life for yourself, as long as you are financially able just split things down the middle and get visitation with your kids and move on. It's better than wasting years with no intimacy.  

Answer 17

You should get a divorce, then find someone else. What's the point of hanging onto a marriage when you're no longer willing to make the effort? She's only staying for the kids, which she thinks is a selfless thing to do, but your children realize what kind of marriage you have and living a loveless marriage is not a good impression to leave on children about what marriage is all about. They'll have wrong views of it, and you two would only be wasting time that you could be seeking happiness in your own individual lives instead of just hanging on. Get a divorce and go out there and find happiness, just like your wife should.

Good luck.

Answer 18

Leave...Get a divorce.  You can still live your life and find someone wonderful AND be a wonderful father.  You can do all these things.  Why abuse yourself by staying in this hurtful, neglectful farce of a marriage.

Answer 19

Man you need to do is just get a divorce and go separate ways, it's going to happen so y wait until then.  Just let go.

Answer 20

Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too.  Nope.. she doesnt want to act like a wife then dont live with her like a husband.

"Just Friends"  the last time I got that line.. I was getting dumped by my 8th grade girlfriend.  Your wife of 13 years should give you a little more than that.

Sorry man.  

Answer 21

I would get a divorce, I don't like the idea but it will be better for YOU because you won't be happy and we only live once. Get a divorce, find someone who wants to be in your life, every way shape and form and be happy for once. If you tried therapy thats great and since it didn't work out it just seems like you two have grown apart. I hope it works out and you get your divorce and start living happily!

Answer 22

i say that's ridiculous,,ur in this marriage too,,,who the h**l does she think she is,,that she's going to expect you to be with her and stay faithful and she won't give u the phyiscal part,,you can try it,,but,,u'll end up divorcing or in having an affair before u know it,,I would have a serious talk with her,,and let her know ur thinking of divorce if she's serious bout her little plan,,and she's one selfish woman to even ask such a thing...

Answer 23

There is no reason that you can not go out and date and have relations with others and still maintain a friendship with your wife.  If this is the type of relationship that you both are happy with then just do it.  If she is planning on divorcing after the kids are older, you can just go ahead and divorce now if you so desire.  Good luck.

Answer 24

get a divorce and stay friendly for the kids.  

Answer 25

divorce.  why be miserable for 2 years?  either way it's going to be tough on the kids

Answer 26

wow that is so sad that you would even think of it! why would you lower yourself to what she wants...or well find you someone on the side to make you happy! It will be her loss that way when you do end you will have someone in your life that will help you to get over the pain of being with a heartless wife! and if the someone else is better for you then divorce your wife sooner then she want it! life is to short to worry about anything but your happiness cause the truth is your kids will be alot happier if they see there parents living a happy life!