Will he ever give up his other woman?

Question

My husband cheated on me and continued to be involved with the woman for 3 years. There have been a few times when he has convinced me that she was no longer in his life and then I found out he was still contacting her. They even lived together for a year and he hid it from me for 6 months. When I found out, I filed for divorce but then we couldn't go through with it. Since then, she has moved out of the apartment.

5 months after she moved out, I allowed him to move home. We had a wonderful marriage before, and we are trying to work on things now. We have a daughter and she is happy to have her father home. They now spend more time together and it's like old times. We sleep in the same bed but have not been intimate yet.

I am trying hard to forgive him but I know that she is still in his life. We both want to figure out our relationship though and having him home helps. We have grown apart and want different things in life, but we both believe in our relationship and marriage. Neither one of us is willing to walk away.

The hardest part now is that he is going to be deploying for 6 months in a few months. I wonder if this will be the final thing that will make his mistress give him up and for him to be able to let her go. I just wonder though, after his involvement with her for 3 years, will he be able to give her up for good?

Answer 1

What do you want with your life, do you want to spent it feeling like you are sleeping next to someone who is double dealing or you want to move on, you are the best judge in this issue and let you heart rule.

Besides what is your husband saying about the whole issue? If he is happy with the other woman then don't force him to stay with you.

Answer 2

This man his given you every reason to hate him.  His behavior has not only harmed you but is also harming your daughter.  Can you accept that your daughter will grow up believing that it's okay if her husband cheats on her?  You are the example of your daughter's future tolerance in all relationships. If you think that she does not feel your pain, think again.  Mommy is sad and unhappy, this is not a normal healthy relationship.  Your husband was more loyal to his lover than he was to his own daughter.  You may feel you can tolerate your suffering for your daughter but that's cheating your daughter of her own future conception of motherhood and marriage values.  

I understand the conditions.  I've been in your shoes and it is a devastating and humiliating situation that your husband has exposed you into. You are not to blame, you are trying to do the right thing constantly reacting to his careless and selfish actions.  Because you have settled for less than your own happiness, your husband is going to continue to lower your standards.  You should want better, the best for yourself, always.  You should not be second to anyone, ever.  When I divorced my husband it was horrific exposing myself to the courts and I wouldn't wish it on anyone but I had to restore my own peace of mind and find ME again. The loving, giving, sharing woman who trusted, worked hard and deserved to be loved in return.  Bad things do happen to good people because there are jerks who take advantage of trust and kindness.  My own daughter respects me for being strong, determined and she knows I have been a great Mom.  Her relationship with her Dad is his responsibility, not mine and I would not surrender my own values for him or anyone like him.

No one can tell you what to do or do it for you, you are responsible and accountable for your own behavior and peace of mind.  

Do I think that your husband will stop cheating on you, NO, he has given you every reason to not trust him.  His cheating told you, DO NOT TRUST ME.  Your husband being deployed for six months will hopefully give you time to yourself, an opportunity to get your own life together and find YOU again.  Your pleasures, meaning and values for a great life are "your" responsibility.

Good Luck To You

Answer 3

If he wanted to give her up, he would have done so by now; there has been more than enough time. Go through with the divorce and reclaim your life.

Answer 4

I will NEVER share my husband!!

How can you sleep, or even function, knowing that he shares his ##@ with HER!!

Answer 5

women with no self-estemm is just the saddest

Answer 6

Why are people so desperate to keep relationships going with a cheater?

Answer 7

Think about this, if he forgets about her and leaves her behind will you really be happy? or will you lose his trust and always wonder about what he does from now on? Don't just think about the situation now, think about the future too. To answer your question, no I don't think he will completely give her up. He might not see her anymore and maybe the deployment will help him get farther apart from her but he can still always think about her, fantasize, etc. without you even knowing. Try working it out and see how that goes. Best of luck!

Answer 8

You didn't have a wonderful marriage before he cheated on you - if you did then he wouldn't have cheated.  He has cheated on you, lied to you, shown disrespect to you, your marriage and your daughter and you still want to be married to him?  He wants his cake and eat it too.

Answer 9

people will tell you to stay in the marriage because of your daughter but you deserve happiness too and you don't deserve to stay in a prison marriage where the husband refuses and fails to stay committed to you. cheaters don't change overnight. they KNOW what they did was wrong but they did it anyway. says alot about their character. you should have gotten a divorce. because the trust will never be the same.

Answer 10

Just because he wont have her , does not mean he cant go looking for someone else, why are you making it seem as though, she has the ultimate decision in 'leaving him alone' it takes 2 people to have a relationship, stop making yourself an option to him.

He has a family, and yet cant commit to them, if he's great with your daughter then thats wonderful, but the two of you dont need to be 'together' living a false lifestyle just because of her sake, you should be happy, even if its with someone else.

better happy and apart,

than unhappy and together. right?

Answer 11

If he is unwilling (i said unwilling not unable) to give up the other women than things can never change and go back to the way they were. I think the problem here may be that he is realizing he CAN get away with this and that is not a good thing. I would say that divorce is your only option if you can't live with him being unfaithful (and i don't believe anyone should have to).

Answer 12

Girl what the F*** are you smoking??

You need to give up that Cheating Dog of a Husband you have!!

A three year long affair that you know about!!  AND you are still with him??  What the h**l are you smoking forreal??

DIVORCE his SORRY A$$ and get yourself some sense and self-esteem!

Answer 13

First let me start by saying something about the comment you made about you both believing in your relationship and marriage.....do you really believe he does??  I think this is a case of your husband having his cake and eating it too.  A man can only do to you what you allow him too.  Its o.k. to forgive, but he has moved back in with the intentions of getting the marriage back together, then why do you still feel like he is seeing the other woman.  If you guys are really trying to make this work, trust has to come in from somewhere.  It will be hard at first given the circumstances but it has to come in to play.  If you can't allow yourself to fully forgive and trust then its not going to work.  At the same time don't be nieve about it either.  If he knows that he can have a mistress and still come home and lay down with you in your bed, it makes it easier for him to go out and continue to do it.  That's just my opinion.  Good luck to you.  But remember if you can't trust him, totally forgive him, and you really feel deep down that he is still seeing this woman, then what are you staying for?  Whats the point?  

Answer 14

if he has gotten away with it for this long i highly doubt he will quit seeing her. you need to follow through on your threat and divorce him.

Answer 15

Why have YOU been tolerating this??

Good grief - we teach people how to treat us...

You have become a worn out doormat by constantly forgiving a man unwotrthy of your love and precious time...

You deserve better. Believe in yourself and move on to happier days that do not include a cheater and liar. There are to many GOOD and HONEST men out there to settle for this nonsense...

Good luck.

Answer 16

from a mans stand point(me) i know i havee had relationships outside ofmarriageg but I have been married for over 50 wonderful years. you will have a hard time in coming to the right decision? I am from a broken home and it is not good. I believe a person ca love more than mate. we can lovemore thann one child.

Answer 17

yeah. he can move on, and over time, even completely forget her..   after all, he has a beautiful daughter who will love him unconditionally... and that's what he wants./...  someone to LOVE him!   get it?

you should really try hard to show love for him..  and remind him why you got married in the first place.

Answer 18

I'm curious.  You've known he's been seeing this woman for three years and stayed with him.  I wonder if on some level you're actually ok with him seeing her.  I'm not saying that's right or wrong.  But it makes me think since he's had a long term relationship with this other woman, that he could be polyamorous but not realize this, or even know what this is.  In case you are unaware, polyamory literally translates to "many loves" and is meant as committed relationships with more than one person.  Of couse, it's not poly unless there is full knowledge and consent, meaning that all parties know about each other, are ok with each other, even communicating with each other.  This kind of relationship works for many people, but not all.  Some are meant for monogamous relationships.  I recommend reading the book The Ethical s**t and analyze your relationship with your husband, and your husband's relationship with this other woman.  Would you be ok with his relationship with her if you knew who she was and could actually speak to her directly about her relationship with your husband?

This is just something to consider.  You need to decide whether this would be an acceptable relationship, even beneficial, or if you are strictly monogamous and require that in a partner.  It is clear that he has no intention to stop seeing this other woman.  If you are of the strictly monogamous sort, I doubt your relationship will work out in the long run.  Perhaps counselling might help you to make your decision.  Even if your husband isn't interested in going, you can go alone.

I won't tell you what to do, but I hope I've given you at least a different way to look at the situation, even if you decide it's wrong.

Best of luck!

Answer 19

It sounds like you have big self esteem issues. You deserve much better than a man who is not making you is one and only. If he really wants to keep the relationship with you, then he should have no problem walking away from the other relationship. I don't see why you would want to salvage this marriage...because your husband clearly isn't making an effort.

Answer 20

Why would he give her up if you keep taking him back?

Answer 21

My heart goes out to you.  That is a tough situation.  I went through a similar situation with my husband.  I know how your gut must feel.  The best thing to do is give him a reasonable amount of time, and make it clear there is to be no contact.  If he continues, and he can't bring himself to cut it off then an ultimatum that you will follow through on needs to be said.  You will hear people say, he came home to you and he loves you.  Well, that isn't enough when it comes down to this.  Not one person wants to be seconds, or have the rot gut feeling of the second women being anywhere close.  He has a decision to make ... you or her.  There isn't any friendship to keep up with the mistress.  

If he is deploying, that would be enough time.  But isn't there still a way to be in some sort of contact while they are gone?  I'd make it clear now.

Dee

Answer 22

It sounds as if you and your husband have more of a committment to the idea of marriage then you actually have with each other.  

To answer you initial question...No, he is not going to give up this other woman.  She is going to have to give him up.  If he's found someone that he really likes and she's accepting of the situation then he won't end it, because he like's being able to have his cake and eat it too.  In situations like this the woman, this means you too, has to decide to each accept the situation or move on from it.   He isn't going to change.

Answer 23

Why would he give her up? You know about it and continue to do nothing. If he can keep you both, he will. You say he believes in your marriage, that's laughable. Face it, you married a cheater, and he wont change, nor will anything you do make him. He'll say anything to have his cake and eat it too. Go through with the divorce this time, will ya?

Answer 24

Never, she does thing you are unwilling to do.

Answer 25

No, he will continue to cheat. If he's trying to be good but still spending time with her conversation or otherwise, he's trying to have the best of both worlds. You need to have him get tested and you see the results before you are intimate with him. This is your life on the line. Or think of it this way...if something happens to you, this woman and your husband will be raising your daughter. Best of luck.

Answer 26

I can tell you that it is very unlikely that he will ever give  her up  . My First husband and I were married almost 20 years he had several small affairs that I forgave him for but the last one he carried on an affair for about four years and he always swore he would give her up but never did until the day he died . He said he loved us both and that he wanted to have s*x with her because she was young and have a devoted wife in me . I stayed and tried to make the marriage work but it was very hard and in the end he loved her more and was going to leave me for her but she left him when he became so ill and was in the hospital from September until March when he died .  I do not doubt that had he lived he would now be married to her .

We had also grown apart and and wanted different things in life . I was ready to settle down and start a family and buy a home after 15 years of marriage and he was ready to party and play . I always hoped he would change but he never did . He could not leave her alone , but yet he still wanted me there too . Maybe in your case his being deployed will give you two a chance to be apart and he can decide who he wants more, you or her . Plus he will have alot of emotions to deal with from being in the war too and it will change him . Please do not stay if he chooses to keep her and you because I know from experience you will suffer a great deal .We had not been intimate either for about 6 years because I was afraid of the diseases he might bring home from the women he had s*x with . Do you want your daughter to grow up and think that this is how marriage shopuld be ? I did . I saw my Dad do this to my Mom and Uncles to their wives and so i thought that is how it was supposed to be . Now I know different because I met and married the a very special and sweet , loving man who shows me everyday what true love and devotion is. I am very Blessed.

It will not be easy , but you need to think about what you want . Do you want to always be second in his life or do you want to move on and make a better life for yourself and maybe find someone who knows what true and honest love is ? I really hope this helps in some way . I wish you good luck and May God Bless you and your family .  

Answer 27

Three years is a long time.  This wasn't some wham bam thank you ma'am.  It was a tragic love affair that couldn't go anywhere because his insecure wife just can't let him go.  It's romantic, if you think about it.  Don't you also deserve some love? What makes you think you own him?

Answer 28

I DO HAVE TO SAY YOU MUST REALLY LOVE THIS MAN IF YOU ARE HANGING IN THERE........IF HE REALLY MEANS IT AND WANTS TO WORK ON HIS MARRIAGE I WOULD STAY WITH HIM. HE HAS TO BE HONEST WITH YOU AND REALIZE DOES HE LOVE YOU OR IS HE IN LOVE WITH YOU IS THE QUESTION HE NEEDS TO ASK HIMSELF AS WELL AS WITH YOU. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 29

if I were you, I'd be banking any money he leaves hanging around, running up his credit cards, etc...

time to leave this idiot...

don't sell yourself short...

divorce this b*****d and milk him for every single penny...he's a waste and a loser...

by the way, he will find ANOTHER mistress while he's away...this man HATES to be alone...!

hey my 2 cents, nice pic, lol!