Will i ever be cured of my deep rooted intense aggressive feelings and rage ?

Question

its not just anger, something that an anger management course would address.

its deep intense - jaw clenching - intense rage , the type where if someone speaks down to you or rejects you or patronises you - you feel like , ( and this is only thoughts )

that you could viciously batter that person downwards into the concrete consistantly with a heavy blunt object.

until the persons skull gives in, then you continue to viciously batter the remainder of their skull in , whilst clenching your teeth and dribbling at the mouth..

i no its wrong to think like that believe me i know.

but what im trying to explain is that with me that its not just anger problems.

if i see people happy i feel jealous, enraged and i feel i want to beat them mercilessley whilst clenching my teeth.....deny them their happiness like its been taken from me.

of course ive never done any of these things and im far from being a ' tough guy '.

its just in my life ive been physically and mentally tormented, bullied, victimised all the way through my life.

im now 30, with borderline personality disorder and post traumatic stress - i live alone in a one bedroom flat on disability benefits......i own nothing except for a dusty old computer.

ive missed out on virtualy everything in life : never formed any relationships - suffer severe i mean SEVERE low self worth - never been employed or gained qualifications..

in the past ive acted desperate and out of character to try and be accepted and form relationships........my efforts have always been rejected........

people are aloof and back away from me.........ive had the internet for 3 years and because of my deep thinking....intensity......clingyness...... low self worth......mood swings.....the need for intamacy straight away - over bearingness - ive lost alot of potential relationships - alot of people have abandoned me.

im presentley waiting to hear if they will offer me group therapy..

i feel lonely and alienated from society, alot of people seem to treat me ' aloofly ' and stand offish.

or like some desperate charity case who is desperate for acceptance and needs to be accepted as a charity case..

every day i experience deep rage feelings.....very quickly become enraged if i feel patronised....jealous of happy people........if i feel im being spoken down to..

i sit here in my flat and i get flashbacks to being severley bullied, relive the moments......then i quickly feel like ' smashing sombodies head in '

i stew over my circumstances and dwell on how much ive suffered and missed out in life......the fact that ive never been in any relationships.......that im far away from my desried goals..

then once again the intensity returns and i feel deeply angry and aggressive...

i headbutt my apartment walls and doors - bite doors so i can feel hardness to to clench my teeth on to...

growl to myself - pull intense looks in the mirror - ring the suicide hotline and pick arguments with the workers.....shout threats down the phone..

they are mostly aloof and patronising to me anyway and dont talk back but instead ignore me -- so thats all i need to lose it on the phone with them.

some laugh at me.....wind me up more or if i get really aggressive they hang up.

i have severe anxiety to , and coupled with the severe aggressive feelings - im a prisoner in my flat and am afraid to go out incase i cant handle a situation and lose it..

im fearful of losing it, because the rage just overtakes me where i feel completley out of control.

in the past i used to have rage outburst in public where id lose it whilst out, push people over, get attacked by strangers.......get cautioned by the police etc.

ive been very lucky thankgod, and ive made vast improvements with controling my rage since then , ive managed well for a long time.

but i still have the deep intense aggressive feelings..

im 30 now and am literally a society desperado, im starting from scratch , never achieved nothing.

my goals are to get a good paying job in computers then to permenantly leave the uk to somewhere hot n sunny.

but those goals seem out of reach and unachievable right now.

and out of all my problems the aggression and the rage i would say is the worst and most crippling.

will i ever be free of it ?

Answer 1

Join the military and kill some hodgies...

Answer 2

Hi there,

            Your rage is almost overwhelming in your writing and must be so much worse for you trapped constantly with it and I feel you are right when you say a quick fix of anger management won't help. I also feel you are right in looking to your low self esteem as the root of your problems- you are raging at others because you feel they have a better life than you and are better people.

What does impress me is the way you are trying to understand what's going on and how you can see how well you have been managing- you seem to have a very positive side underneath all this.

I agree that group therapy appears to be a good idea- it will help you build genuine relationships with real people- not the fantasy perfect people of your envious rages, but why wait for group therapy? I know going private can be expensive (although cheaper than personal therapy) but is would cost less than most people would spend on smoking or drinking each week. I charge £20 per member so what you need to decide is whether you deserve this expense.

Your goals are not unachievable- whaqt you need to do is break them down into manageable pieces. Start by looking for a course in computers- once you have achieved this relatively small step work out what step you can achieve next keeping it small enough to accomplish. Finally, work out what to do if you fail a step- make sure it is not the end of the world for you and keep building upwards as this can be the ideal way to build self esteem. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

No, I don't think things like that are curable. I think you just learn to live with it.

I live with a great amount of rage... I think of violence, dream of it, and the only one I want to take it out on is myself.

Yet, I know that is wrong and I can no longer do self harm. So it just stews. Sometimes it gets so bad my eyes black out and I can't see anything but what is in my head. Worse then the most awful horror movie you could imagine.

Answer 4

you have to ask yourself, what you are gaining from being so negative.  You and only you control what goes on inside your head, so if you allow such ongoing negativity, you have no one to blame for it but yourself.  So what do you get out of being so negative?

Answer 5

you, my friend, are an absoulte legend.

Answer 6

I guess the psychologists would say your extreme thoughts of anger are a reaction to the terrible things that you mention have happened in the past.

I am sure you can turn your situation around with the right therapy and medication to contol such negative thinking. You don't mention a doctor but I would have thought if you explained all of the above to a doctor they would do more to help than just suggest a possible group therapy course.

You say you have made vast improvements in controlling your rage in the last while and that to me seems a huge achievement gven some of the problems you have faced so therefore you should not say you have achieved nothing in life.

Perhaps the next time you feel desperate you should try and hold the thought of the progress you have made and recognise you can increase that achievement by just mentally backing down from whatever the particular situation is you find yourself in.

Easier said than done I know BUT believe it or not there are people worse off than you in life ...

Good luck!

Answer 7

no your screwed.