Will it be easy for a 3 year to cope with a new family after being in foster care for a year?

Question

my fiancee and i are going to adopt his cousin's daugther and we were just wondering how well she will adjust to the change. i know that since she is still young it shouldn't be that bad, but what should i be aware of?

Answer 1

children are resilient and some are more resilient than others.

it all depends on the child and their circumstances. it will be a major change in the child's life and theya re certianly old enough to experience like any person would -- fully, with reservations and concerns and questions and fears and longings. you are far better off if the child has formed an attachment with the people who have been taking care of her unitl now -- and that will mean that she will miss them and long for them and want them and in no way will be able to understand why this major change has occurred. I would absolutely recommend that you talk with a professional who ahs done this before with other families and can tell you what to llook out for and help with the child. The child should have therapy and be able to express her feelings about what she will be going through. she may be scared  at first to be her real self and then she may be angry and she may be continually afraid that you will leave her just as she thinks her other family did. one thing is for sure; kids are very self centered and hey think everything is their fault and she will assume that this is happening because of her -- even if you tell her otherwise. she needs to be told the truth and given the chance to understand how her life is and why. please look for help -- hopefully it will all go smoothly but, you should have support under all circumstances. i hope it all works out well and that you have a wonderful life together as a family. you are doing a great thing.

Answer 2

lt depends entirely on the child.  My husband and l have been fostering for around 5 years now, we've seen quite a few children come and go, and there are no hard and fast rules.  As you said, the younger the child, the more resilient they usually are, but that's not to say it's easy for them!  The best thing you can do, if possible, is work with the foster parents to get to know this little girl.  You'll need to be responsive to her and her needs, children generally let us know how they're feeling, sometimes we just have to 'read the signs'.  l would look out for trust/abandonment issues, behaviour changes such as becoming withdrawn, tantrums, or trying to be a 'perfect' child in order to fit in to your family.  Make sure she's introduced to the household properly when she arrives, unfamiliarity can be very scary to a young child.  Show her her bedroom, where the bathroom is, tell her what goes on in your home, etc etc, to make her feel at ease.  Try and set aside a few minutes each day just to chat with her and get an idea of how she's settling in, and take every chance you can to reassure her that she's wanted, and that her previous foster family also loved her.  Also, try giving her some small decisions to make, such as what to wear, toys, room decoration, etc, so that she feels some control over the situation.  You may have some problems to begin wth, but there's nothing that lots of love and patience can't eventually put right.  l hope this helps some, good luck with everything to you and your new daughter.

Answer 3

I had about 6 Foster kids and I learned that they much rather be with a family member, witch you are.. they wanta feel like they belong.. and tryely are a part of the family. you giving her her real family members even if it not her mom or dad, she able to see her family as she grows up cousin aunt uncles and so forth... That is the best placement for fosterkids..

if your not related they feel outplace....

Answer 4

You should have several visits with the child, then a day outing, before just moving her abruptly

Answer 5

Be ready for her to act out and get very clingy. Things have been up and down for her and nothing has been stable. She is going to need alot of patience and consistent routine to feel normal again. She might be scared you will leave her and have a hard time attaching to you untill she see's you are going no were. Just love her with everything you have in you it sounds like she needs it. Thank you and God Bless you for doing such a wonderful thing.

Answer 6

My son was placed in a foster home at birth. He resided with that family (a wonderful foster family!) until we adopted him at the age of 2-1/2. We had 10 visits with him over the course of a month, including one overnight visit. Our son was familiar with us, our home, and our dog before we brought him home with us for good and I know it helped immensely with the transition. We were warned that after a few days, when he realized he wasn't going to see his foster family again, he would go to the door and cry, etc. It never happened. We kept a picture of his foster parents in his bedroom for a long time after we brought him home but he never mentioned it or seemed upset. I know they were loving people who took wonderful care of him, but maybe because he was so young it was sort of "out of sight, out of mind."

I hope your child transitions as easily as ours did.

Answer 7

Just because she is young doesn't mean the situation hasn't caused her problems.  I hope you have both had a chance to get to know her and vice versa.  But if she is very attached to her  mother, or if she has been in foster care with someone else, she may have fears of abandonment.  She may test you by misbehaving to see if you will "throw her out".  She may be extremely clingy and dependent, not wanting to let you out of her sight.  Be as patient as you can, and if necessary, get some family counseling.  With time, all of this will pass.

Good luck!

Answer 8

I'm sure the little girl will have a rough time.  It is hard to say since different kids grieve and handle loss differently and adjust to change differently.  It would also depend on the level of trauma she has experienced so far and whether she has had the opportunity to experience good relationships.  There are two good resources that I recommend you read.  Toddler Adoption:  The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins Best and Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck.

Answer 9

Check out http://www.a4everfamily.org for great information and resources.

My state offers counseling and has therapist led support groups for adoptive families, all for free. Perhaps yours has something similar?

Best wishes for your new family!

Answer 10

It depends on what she's been exposed to both before and after birth.  There may be some behavioral issues due to drug exposure or abuse and at the very least she will go through a period of adjustment when she comes to live with you.  Sometimes there's a honeymoon period where they are Stepford children followed by a period of sheer h**l and sometimes they just break out the big guns right off the bat.  Just be consistent.  Let her know that you're going to be there every morning making her toast at the same time and that bedtime is the same ritual every night.  Don't start out with a lot of "I love you" and kissing and hugging, she may not trust that sort of thing.  First build trust and work on love later.

Answer 11

Depending on why she has been in foster care, you might want to look out for symptoms of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or Reactive Attachment Disorder, which are two of the most common diagnoses of children who have been in foster care at a young age. These may not apply to this child at all, however, it really depends on the specifics of her case. Also, she may or may not react to visits with her birth mom in ways that you might expect, so if you are allowing her to visit her birth mom, you might see some unusual behaviors (not always bad, just sometimes out of character) afterward.

Answer 12

He didn't even change families and my 3 year old brother had coping problems moving across country. I think it's perfectly normal for there to be some problems.  She will be separated from her former caregiver and that's hard and then in an entirely different location.  

Ask if you can get some of her toys and favorite blanket along with whatever else they send.

Answer 13

She may throw a few more fits when she doesn't get her way and she may be very shy at first and unsure of things.  But once she realizes that you love her and this is where she will be living and that things are consistent, she will be fine. Let her be involved in as much as possible with decorating her room like picking out the bed spread. That will give her a feeling of making it a home

Answer 14

My botfriend's son moved in with us when he was 2. He is now 4.  Every child will react differently, but for us, it was hard. He had a lot of trust issues, and did not want to listen at first.

Just show lots of love and patience, and it will work out though. Good luck!

Answer 15

You should be aware that age three is a very difficult age in particular for a child to go through major life changes!

This child has now already had to form a bond and then loss with at least three caregivers -- I am assuming -- Birthfamily, Foster family, and now you.  This will take a big toll on this little one.  Will you be able to immediately see the stress?  Not always, but it will appear at some point, because she is human.

Watch for signs of reactive attachment -- going to you or others and "bonding" too quickly.  Some people see this as proof that a baby or child is o.k., when it actually is a bad sign.  Of course, a child not being able to form a bond is also a sign of attachment issues.

She is at such a fragile age -- three is the developmental time that children form a sense of self, identity, trust.  That has been interrupted in this child's life.  Don't expect too much from her!  Go easy, and don't overwhelm her.  Give her space and time and gentle love and boundaries.

And NEVER ever spank or hit this child!  That would likely send her over the edge.  Find a good Play Therapist who specializes in Children's Attachment issues.  Take her now, before you recognize the need for it.

Good luck.

Answer 16

You're right that young children do adapt quite quickly but it sounds as if she's been through quite a bit in her short life.  She's bound to feel unsettled and insecure initially, she needs love, lots of time, reassurance, encouragement and patience.  You're obviously very concerned about her needs and I think you will be fine - I've been in your position myself, taking on a very shy, timid little girl  and it was an uphill struggle at times but she's now the  happiest, most confident young woman you could meet and is just about to start her first job as a teacher.

Answer 17

Attachment issues........You need to start reading and educating yourself now.  Read on subjects relating to adopting older children, and toddlers. Her personality and habits are formed by now and will continue to grow. It will be a challenge for you, but not one that unconditional love, patience and time can't conquer.  Join support groups.  Educate yourself so that you are best prepared to be a parent to that little girl.