Will my adopted child hate me????????

Question

My fiance and I are two different races. He is white and I am black. We would like to adopt children of any race as long as they need a good loving home. We were thinking adopting a chinese baby girl because they need homes. We have also discussed adopting from Africa, south America and Europe. Someone has told me that because I am creating a mixed race family; that my adopted children will hate me for it.

This bewildered me and I'm wondering if anyone thinks that they will hate me and want a family of their own race???

:-(

Answer 1

In my opinion this is not a question about racial bigotry or mixed race families.  It is about adding another complication to an already complicated situation.  Adoption is traumatic even under the best of circumstances.  Just ask the adoptees on this site.  An adopted child always FEELS adoopted, regardless of the amount of love showered on them.  The more different they feel (in physical appearance) from their adoptive parents, the more obvious it is that they are adopted.  To many adoptees it would be like wearing a huge sign around every day that says, "I'm different. I'm adopted."  They feel that way anyway.  They assume that everyone who sees them can just "tell" they are adopted, somehow.  If you add the racial difference, it is just adding to their struggle to deal with the many issues that come with adoption.  

Creating a "world-wide" family is lovely in its concept.  Kinda reminds me of the song from years ago, "I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony,"  which encouraged us to think more about getting along with everyone in the world.

But using adopted children to make that point or advertize that philosophy would be harmful to the children, in my opinion.  I'm truly not saying that your intentions aren't good.  I just wonder if you have thought about it from the adoptee's point of view.

Answer 2

There is no reason for them to hate you.

I was adopted and my dad was black and my mom was white.  Since I was an abandoned baby, no one knows what race I am.  But I certainly don't look black or white!  If anything, it made for an interesting story growing up.  People would always ask me.  I kinda liked the the attention.

Very intresting looking family photos too because my two sisters were adopted as well.  :)

But again, to answer your question, she won't hate you because your a mixed race family.  I've never heard of that.

Answer 3

Of course not as long  as they are loved thats all that maters. I think you are doing a great thing.

Answer 4

those children will LOVE you for giving them a loving home.. they won't care that they belong to a mixed race family.. as long as they belong to ANY family.

Answer 5

You never know what your child will grow up to feel and think.  As a parent all you can do is your best to guide them and support them in their feelings.  Being of a different race does not automatically make your child hate you.  Possiblly if you deny them their heritage, ignore their needs as an adopted child and their need to know of their genetic history that can cause problems.  Be open, honest, loving and supportive of your child and their feelings.  That is all you can do.

Also have you considered foster to adopt in your own country?   There are many many children who need a loving, stable home right in your own country.

Answer 6

Any child would love you if you give them a home and someone to love. Also, alot of times kids dont really pay attention to race. I say go ahead and adopt the kid.

Answer 7

China no longer has a ton of babies needing a good home.  There is a wait of over two years for a healthy infant from China, and this wait is expected to increase to almost 4 years.   But if you want to adopt an Asian child, Vietnam has a good and flexible program.

Why not consider adopting a biracial child in the United States, since you are a biracial couple?   My niece is white, and her former boyfriend was black, and they had a little boy 13 years ago.   The relationship didn't work out, and the boyfriend is now out of the picture.   My niece recently married a biracial man, and her son is absolutely thrilled to have a new father who is so much like him.   He was the only biracial child in our family, and he felt a little "different" because of it.  Now, he is very happy.

I have heard that adoption agencies often search out biracial couples to adopt biracial children.  This might be a good option for you.

If you do decide to adopt transracially (Asian or European), it's a good idea to adopt more than one child of that race.  They are more comfortable in a transracial family when they have siblings like them.    I am white, with three daughters from China.  I'm the minority in my house!

Answer 8

Your child will not hate you for 'creating a mixed race family'.  What an ignorant thing for someone to say.  

Use this information and be prepared, because sometimes people will say ignorant things to you, in front of your child or to your child.  Be prepared with a ready remark to neutralize whatever is said.  Explain to your child that some people have some pretty strange ideas.  It doesn't have to be mean or angry.  Use humor.  The more comfortable you are, the more your child will also feel comfortable.  If you shake it off, laugh it off...you're teaching your child to take such silliness with a grain of salt.  

My son is autistic and we've had our share of rude comments in the past.  We've learned to let it roll.  And the funny thing is, once we did, we stopped hearing the comments.  

You might also consider looking at children in the foster system.  There are over 100,000 children presently available for adoption living in foster homes.  Mixed race kids as well. (not that it matters)  Kids under 10. Kids under 5.  : )

Families come in all shapes & sizes.  All children deserve to have a loving family and a stable home.  

Good luck & God bless!

Answer 9

I don't think so look at Angelina Jolies family of colours, they all love each other and are very happy, this child will be gratful that they have loving parents and will always know that they are always wanted.

If you had your own childern you would have a mixed race family as you are black hes white and your child would be mixed nobody would have commented then so ignore there immature remarks and good luck with the adoption.

Answer 10

well im sure they would feel a bit better with a family of their own race because they would fit in more, belong more and because you would know about their culture. it would be easier for them to learn about their heritage. however i dont think they would hate you. they would know you loved them enough to adopt them even if they were of another race. and dont be like some of those celebrities that "collect" kids of different races from different countries. its not cool.  why dont you adopt a child from your own country. theres so many homeless, orphaned children that need a home so close from where you are.

Answer 11

I think this is a great idea!!!

Society can be pretty harsh sometimes, but youll get that no matter what you do.

my suggestion is do it, but also teach the child about his or own nationality which ever it maybe!

good luck!! smile =)

Answer 12

As long as you prepare yourself mentally & are willing to accept the challenges that you may face by have a multi-cultural family go for it.  

My parents are white, I have an asian brother, a hispanic brother, I am asian & my husband is black...love is color blind to say the least in this family.  Other people however would not be able to handle the differences.  You have to ask yourself & your husband if you are.  Before you make any final decisions tho- I would highly recommend that BOTH you & your husband agree to this...not just one or the other.

Not saying that all of the agencies are bad but commenting on the poster above - I would be very wary of Vietnamese ethics and policies.

Answer 13

All families are different and I think that multirace/multicultural famililes are wonderful.  The child may have some identity issues (as alot of children do), but their issues run deeper because of the way your family was created - through their adoption.  You just need to know what to expect; know how to help them handle that part of their lives; and be there for him or her.  I don't think they'll hate you for it, and they may wish that their adoptive parents were chinese as well as them, but I really think its about not losing their original culture, which I'm sure you'd embrace as you do your child.

Answer 14

Have you looked into adopting a child from another country?  It's not as easy as you think, and it's pretty expensive I'd say no less than $15,000.  Why not have your own children?  Whoever told you a child would hate you is an idiot.

Answer 15

There are so many ethnically diverse families out there!  Look around next time you go to the mall on the weekends.  

Adopting transracially does have its own challenges and I won't minimize those, but it's pretty ignorant for someone to tell you that adopted children will hate you for creating a mixed race family.

Good luck to you both!

Answer 16

NO!! Those Children Will Love You For Giving Them A Good Home. So Keep Your Head High Girl:D

Answer 17

YOUR RIGHT THEY WILL HATE YOU

I HAVE A SOLUTION

PAINT YOUR SELF IN WHITE PAINT

AND THEN GET A WHITE BABY

ATLEAST YOULL BE ABLE TO PERTEND ITS RELLY YOUR KID THEN

Answer 18

All I have to say is that it all depends on the child.  They have feelings and wil make up their mind how ever they want to.  I have seen it happen.  My friend's family is a perfect example.  There are two adopted children living in that house.  One is very grateful for the second chance that he got and will always be like that.  His brother is a brat.  He thinks that just because he was adopted he can feel upset since he has been through things and thinks that no one can understand him.  As long as you love your kids and care for them that is all that you will be able to do.

Answer 19

Pierced,

Whoever told you by creating a multi racial family the child would hate you, was offensively wrong.

With that being said, there is a huge responsibility adopting a child.  Try to keep the child connected to their first families.  You must teach your child about their culture and heritage.  Its more work than you think but totally worth it.

With international adoption some babies are being stolen from their families to be placed up for adoption to make more money.  Do your research on the agency.  I would also suggest choosing an agency that allows you to meet the first family so you know directly your child was not stolen.

From experience, doing all the paper work that applying for adoption entails, i would only do it once if i could.  To do this i would look at foster care.  Some of the healthiest children, from what i've been told, are sibling groups.  You could adopt an infant and a toddler or two and be done with your family all at once.  You are in the perfect position to do so.  Foster care fees are very minimal.  

With every adoption there is a loss.  You should start educating yourself now.  I'll suggest a few books:

1)  In their own voices

2)  Twenty things adopted children wished their parents knew

3)  The girls who went away

4)  Primal wound

There are some really smart people who could add to this list i'm sure.  If you put your child's needs above your own you'll do fine.  Remember your child will need some attachment to their first family and you must honor that.  Don't go in blind, educated yourself now and make an informed decision.  Choose your agency wisely.  Hang around here and learn what adult adoptee have to say too.  Best wishes to you:)

Answer 20

it depends whether you suck enough. if you're a bad parent, they will hate you regardless of the adoption. Woo!

Answer 21

Wonderful thinking, That great.

No one is there to judge you, what you are doing is right, you are willing to give children love, shelter and a loving family.

If you both agreed, then there is no turnig back. Enjoy the joys of being parents.

Answer 22

I'm adopted.  Honestly, growing up, I didn't ever once say "I'm so thankful to have a loving home."  "Gee, I'm so thankful these kind people took me in."  Why?  Because I'm not a guest in their home; I am their child just like any other child they would have given birth to.  Seriously, your adopted child, especially one that is very young, will grow up feeling towards you the same as any child feels towards their parents.  I am white just like my adopted parents are, however, we are so radically different in so many other different ways.  I never once resented them for being different than me (and believe me, we are polar opposites).  They're the parents that God gave me.

As an adult, I totally thank my parents for choosing to adopt me.  As an adult, I realize how hard it must be for someone not to be able to have children and to find the money (tens of thousands of dollars) to adopt a child into their home to love.  I completely realize how bad my life could have been if they didn't choose to adopt..and choose to adopt me.  But like I said, growing up (and I knew since I was very little that I was adopted) I was a normal kid and had the same problems normal kids have.  I honestly wouldn't worry about it.

Answer 23

I am an adopted child, but the same race as my parents.  I was grateful later in life that someone wanted me and took care of me.  I can't imagine a hating anyone that decided to take care of a child without a family.  I can't imagine being an orphan would be a good alternative.  

I can see the child however wanting to fit in with a culture.  They would be raised in a certain way, but probably wouldn't feel like they fit in with other Chinese kids raised by Chinese families.  You may have to be willing to expose them to a Chinese culture if the child wants that.  It may not even happen.  I'm sure there is lots of information about this on the web or through adoption agencies.  

Anything positive you do will be better than a child growing up with out the love of a parent.  I actually think your child would be less prejudiced considering that many different intermingled cultures.  One step towards a better and more tolerant world.  

I would suggest however, getting married first.  But that's only a suggestion.

Answer 24

At a certain age and in certain ways, the child(ren) may certainly go through a time when they resent the family situation they have. All children do -- kids pick on something in their lives to "hate" their parents about, and this may be something your children focus on. But, ultimately, my feeling is that it doesn't matter. If you are going to provide a positive, loving, appropriate environment for your children -- that is by far the most important thing. Children are known to be ungrateful. They will not say thank you to you for giving them a home. And if your family is going to be "different" in some way, at some point, your kids are not going to like it. I think it's something you need to be aware of. It absolutely doesn't mean at all that you should not create the family you want. However, youi will face certain issues and the more you are aware of ahead of time, the better.

Answer 25

Whoever told you the kids will hate you ...get rid of them!  If you and your fiance have a loving relationship and extended family that accept and embrace you, you are going to be better prospective parents than a lot of people!  If you live in a racially/ethnic/culturally mixed area, a child would probably not notice until old enough that you can discuss and explain it anyway.  Have fun  :)

Answer 26

They will only love u. children are children. shower them with love and affection. give them a better home and environment.

all the best

Answer 27

no. im from a mixed race family and i love my parents b/c their my parents race is just a color.

Answer 28

Allot will depend on your attitude and who you and hubby handle race issues. Your extended famlies acceptance of your marriage and their opinions on adoption. Where you live and your child's personality.

Do not kid yourseld that love is enough.....kids have questions and so do rude and insensitive strangers. You need to be prepared for that. It's possible to make it work but you are going to have to educate yourself.

Answer 29

I think it's great that you and your husband are willing to open your hearts and home to other children. Your children won't hate you just because you adopt children from other countries. As long as you give them a loving home environment, you will be loved back. Besides, they'll hate you for lots of other reasons: the biggest reason is you saying NO to anything they want. Children hate that. But they usually get over that within a heartbeat. After all, how many times have you "hated" your parents when you didn't get what you wanted that "everyone else but you had?"

Anyhow, as far as them wanting a family of their own race? Who knows what will happen in the future. My advice to you is to raise the kids as your own, but don't let them forget their native cultures. Think about this: if you and your fiance had a baby, would you want your child to only know white culture or black culture? No. You would want your child to know everything there is to know about BOTH cultures. The same with your adopted child. You would want them to know your own beliefs and practices, but you would also want them to know their own rich history and culture as well.

Don't let anyone tell you that adopting kids from different countries and cultures is not right. Celebrities are not the only people adopting more than one child from more than one country. And it isn't a new fad either. The most famous celebrity to adopt children of different countries was Josephine Baker in the 1950's and 1960's. According to her official biography, It was also during this time that she began adopting children, forming a family she often referred to as "The Rainbow Tribe." Josephine wanted her to prove that "children of different ethnicities and religions could still be brothers."

So if anyone tells you otherwise, remember Ms. Baker and her Rainbow Tribe.

Answer 30

Absolutely not.  My son ah a birth defect caused by genetics he doesnt hate us because we gave him a bad gene. Neither will your child. they will love you more.

Answer 31

oh whoever told u that is full of c**p they wont hate you they will love you for caring and loving them dont worry about it good luck xo