Will my boyfriend ever propose?

Question

My bf and I have been together for almost 4 years, we live together and own a house together. We have talked about when we would like to have kids but not really any discussion about marriage. Last night his sister made a comment about it and he said its just a piece of paper so there's no point. Then I asked if we were going to have kids without being married, and he said no but he didn't see the point in having the big fancy wedding. I don't know whether he was being serious or not so I don't know what his true feelings are on the subject. I don't necessarily want a big fancy wedding either, so I said we should elope. Even before last night I was starting to get depressed that he hadn't popped the question. Now I'm even more depressed. How do I let him know that his comments hurt me and that marriage is important to me, without pressuring him into popping the question? I want him to do it because he wants to, not because I want him to.

Answer 1

i know how you feel. im in the same boat as you. we have been together for over 4 years now, own our own place and yet he still wont ask me to marry him. i feel depressed most days coz i dont know what he wants

Answer 2

Hi, That is almost how i felt a few months ago... I also have a house with my boyfriend and also have been together about 4 years... and now I have a ring on my finger!!

... I did like someone else recommended and had a talk with my bf. Explained that I would like to be married, mentioned some lame but useful reasons (easier if person is hospitalised, tax benefits, insurance, who pulls the plug Lol...)... and in my case assured him that I don't want a fancy wedding... that issue would be more complicated if you do want a fancy wedding but in my case that wasn't an issue. But life and marriage is all about compromise (I'm sure you've learned that in the 4 years that you are together!), so i'm sure you guys can come to a reasonable compromise on some sort of wedding whatever it may be.

... Without overpressuring my bf i kinda took little baby steps with him, like talking about rings i like, showing him the ring on ebay (it was cheaper than buying new in the store so he was immediately more keen to the idea LOL), and of course I asked if it was ok before bidding on it, and he was sitting right beside me when we won the auction (ok not everyone's idea of romance but I'll remember it forever)...

The point of my story is that with communication (and trust me it IS hard to not sound frustrated or crazy) you can show him that it's important to you.... and as you already do own a house together, I doubt that he's afraid of commitment to you because personally if you ask me, as I like to joke with my fiance... to me blending our finances to buy a house is a more complicated commitment than buying just a ring  ;)

One little tip is to not appear too "obsessed", so that your bf doesn't begin to think that you're simply obssessed with the idea of getting married... he has to realize that you dream of marrying the man of your dreams...him!

Congrats on the house and hopefully an open talk will lead to great results that will have everyone happy.

Answer 3

you need to ask him straight up. be serious and ask and make him see how important it is to you that you marry.

Answer 4

Have this conversation with him, what you are telling us now. Maybe he doesn't want to but, doesn't want to lose you.

If you are not willing to live this life as it is, an ultimatum is not out of the question.

If your lives are on a good path, 4 years should definitely

be long enough for him to show a commitment. If he is not willing, there are other men out there that will be willing to

give you what you want out of life.

I think he is being selfish.

Think long and hard whether he is the man that you think he is. Many of us fool ourselves ... love can be blinding in the face of truth.

The best of luck to you.

Answer 5

Hi Confused&Depressed

A good relationship is one that is based on honesty and open communication. If you don't tell your bf what you want, how will he know? He can only base his actions upon your actions, and by carrying on as if you're happy when you're not, he will assume that all is well. If he assumes that marriage is not important to you, he will not prioritise it either.

You need to let him know that you love him very much, but that after four years, you feel that your relationship should be formalised both for yourselves and for the benefit of any children that arrive in the future.

Understand your thought that 'if i say something he'll just propose to shut me up', but there is a difference between 'saying something' and pressuring him. Just sit down as a once off and make it very clear what you want. If it doesn't eventuate - or if he says that he wants different things, you will then need to decide if you are willing to sacrifice the marriage part of your relationship.

Answer 6

This time last year I was feeling exactly the same way as you. We were living together, in our home that we built together. Everything was perfect except that I wanted to be married. I think he would of been just as happy to have continued on the way things were. My man is not the most motivated of people and it takes him forever to get around to things......but he had said he would marry me and we were coming up to our 4 year anniversary and I still had no proposal and no ring.

Anyways I was getting more and more depressed every day. Then one day I decided to let him know exactly how I felt. I actually wrote him a letter, sounds silly I know, but I can express myself so much better on paper than when I am talking. I told him exactly how much it was hurting me that he hadnt gotten around to proposing.  He had actually told me we would be married within 12 months of moving into our home and it was 18 months after moving in that I wrote this letter. I was so sick of waiting and feeling miserable. Anyways I got it all off my chest, told him that he needed to let me know where we stand, if he isnt ever planning on marrying me to at least tell me so I can put the dreams away for good, Then I left the letter where he would find it when he got home from work, then I went off to work.

He was really suprised to see how much I was hurting. We talked about the kind of wedding we wanted, he thought I would want a big expensive wedding and that he had to spend at least $10,000 on a ring!!! He was worried about how he would afford it!!

Anyways to cut a long story short, he proposed on our 4 year anniversary, a couple of months later,  and 8 months after that we were married in our own backyard with close friends and family in attendance.

So I believe you really need to make your feelings be known.  Some guys are happy just to plod along, marriage is always this thing in the distance they will get around to one day. Some men just need a little push in the right direction. And if after 4 years with no ring yet, he definitely needs a wake up call.  Its  worth a try and if he really loves you, he will want to do all he can to make you happy. Good luck!

Answer 7

That happened to me. So I proposed to him last month and he said "Yes". Now we're planning to just have a simple courthouse wedding because we have so much other things to pay. Some guys just like to procrastinate, and you just need to make it easier :)

Answer 8

I'm in the same boat, we've been engaged now for about 8 1/2 years with still no plans on marriage, and he still hasn't given me an engagement ring, honestly, that proposal of your's is not coming unless you push it. But even then you may push him away and never get it anyway. I don't know the reason guys are like that, not all of them are, and it drives me nuts that mine is that way. I love him to pieces, but it's not fair. If he wants to be with me, then why not marriage, there's no reason to wait.  Trust me, I know what you're going through. Hope his sister can talk some sense into your man.

Answer 9

the same feeling,,i felt that way  to but i promise myself to let them know what i am inside i mean why you do that.. but the first place is you rather respect my feelings...let them know that your hurt then think about what his action ..and the important thing to a relationship is respect to each other...dont waste time to say anything because you make suffer in the end..

Answer 10

Don't scare him! Just drop hints. Maybe just 'happen' to walk by a bridal store at the mall, and say, "Mmm...isn't that dress pretty? I'd love to wear it!" or say, "Honey, wouldn't it be nice to be married?"

  If he STILL doesn't propose after about a month of dropping hints, ask him, "Honey...maybe we should get married." and see what happens. Be brave!

Answer 11

he might want to get married, but not have a big wedding. We have no idea what he is like or what he wants. We can only assume. All I can tell you is to tell him no matter what big or small wedding you still want to marry him. Don't worry about scarying him, you've been together 4 years! Just say it casually, like 'i want to spend the rest of our life together, i would love to get married to you some day in the future'

Answer 12

Well, you're more than practically married right now, since you own a home together.  If you have children without being married--it gets even MORE complicated.  You've done this backwards, you're living with him, sleeping with him, caring for the home the 2 of you are setting up together, to him marriage IS just a piece of paper.  He's getting everything guys used to get by getting married--without having to actually do it.  He's got a great deal, and you've given it to him.  

What you need to do it talk with him about this.  Without getting all emotional and everything, because most guys that just turns them off.  Explain how important marriage is to you, and that you're more concerned with being married than having the big fancy wedding--if that's really true.  But since you guys have been together for 4 years, you really should be able to calmly and rationally discuss this with him, and get his true feelings on the subject.  He may be fine with the idea of being married, but not the whole "wedding" thing.  

You may have to make a very difficult decision too--if he's absolutely not willing to get married, you're going to have to decide if you're willing to give that up for him.

Answer 13

First of all...You do have the cart before the horse!

You have lived together 4 years!

You should be able to communicate Anything!

You are depressed about him not making

a commitment of marriage.

Discuss your feelings openly.

There is nothing like a ceremony to express

your love towards each other.

The piece of paper is a "binding" contract.

If he does not respond with a marriage proposal...

You may have to ultimately give an ultimatum!

(There is nothing wrong with asking the man...

to get married).

Marriage is not only good for the well-being of both

partners, but also the children!

It provides a good stable relationship.

(There is not enough stability in living together).

People can pack up and leave for a very minor

reason.

People are better off health-wise and financially, too.

There have been many studies on the subject of

marriage and just living together.

In all aspects, marriage is far better than living together!

There is also the religious aspect that also comes into play.

Initially, you do not have to "pressure" him about it.

But you must stick to your guns!!!

Your mental and spiritual health, too...is at stake!!!

You have to speak up!

There is no sense in playing house and the Waiting game!

Answer 14

Why don't you propose to him?