Will my daughter be okay?

Question

My daughter is 19 and has been dating this guy for about 2 1/2 years now. We never really liked him. He was a few years older, they spend too much time together, he doesn't have a very well paying job, and me and my husband just never ever thought he would be good for her. After 2 1/2 years I dont want this to get any more serious than they already are becasue I dont think they should be together, I dont like him being with her. About a month ago we gave her her choice. That she either ended it with him, or we would stop paying for her college. We gave her another month to decide her choice. Im worried because now she just crys all the time, hardly speaks to us, and is doing poorly in school now, and still hasn't ended it with this boy. Im conflicted, because he is no good for her, but im worried about her getting depressed if she does choose to end it. She says she won't end it with him, but still asks we continue to help pay for her college.

Answer 1

My parents thought the same thing of my husband. He was high school drop out, had been fired from several jobs, and they didn't think he was going anywhere. In fact, when he joined the marines and I told them we were moving up our wedding date to immediatly they freaked out and were furious. they told me not to marry him and that I was ruining my life by marrying young and into a military family and I was going to be just some military wife following her husbadn everwhere(I was 19). They also told me they would stop paying for my college if I married him, but they never went through with that.

He had to get his life back together to join the marines  and he got his diploma and we've been married almost 3 years and he is very successful now and my parents realize now that only I can know what is right for me life.

Only your daughter can know what is right for her life and she needs to learn her own strengths and limits on her own. His job might not be high paying but you have to commend him on HAVING a job and working and not just giving up.

I do not think you should threaten to stop paying for her college. As long as she is getting reasonable grades, she is working towards her own career.

If he is getting in the way of her education I think it is fair for you to tell her that she needs to maintain a certain gpa in order to receive money from you, but simply dating him isn't cause for you to remove financial support.

Since it seems she is doing poorly in school now it is most likely becasue she doesn't want to leave him but now feels that she doesn't have to try anymore since you will just take her out of school anyways.

Honestly, this is her life and she can choose who she wants to date. You may not like him, but you aren't the one dating him.

She is in school and is doing good. Isn't that the best you can ask?

One day she might realize he isn't going anywhere and she will leave him. Or else the worst that can happen is they get married and she realizes its not what she wants and she will divorce him. She needs to learn these things on her own or else she won't learn anything.

What she needs is you to support her in her academic interests and leave her personal life to her.

Who knows, he might see her being successful and get his act together. Since they've been dating for so long she is seeing something in him that you don't see. If you are only seeing the person he is when you are around him you aren't getting the whole picture. I'm positive that if he was as bad for her as you make him out to be, she wouldn't be with him. There must be something that you aren't seeing, and it could just simply be that he treats her with respect and supports her and that is she wants/needs now and what she loves about him. Let her ride her relationship out and decide for herself what kind of life she wants and who she wants to be with.

As long as she is in school and getting good grades, her life isn't spiraling away from her. You do not know that he is no good for her. If in the end she starts getting into bad things because of him then I think you might have a case. But at the moment things are looking fairly normal and positive. Just let her reach her own decisions on her own. She'll get there.

Answer 2

I can not even describe how angry it makes me that you would threaten your daughter with her education.  To put her in that kind of position - to choose between her education and her FUTURE or the boyfriend that she is no doubt very close to after 2 1/2 years shows that you have no regard for your daughters ability to make decisions for herself.  Just try to imagine how you would feel if while you were dating your husband you were put into that situation.  You can't choose who your daughter dates.  He might be a decent guy - have you even given him a legitimate chance?  Don't be so closed minded, it makes for a very bad parent.

Answer 3

If shes in love, leave it at that, good things will happen if you learn to love them both, together, and they will feel supported, so they will probably try harder to make money and work on life coming at them.

Answer 4

In my opinion you really care about your daughter alot. And it sounds like you raised her well. if she crys all the time after the ultimatum you all layed down for her it means that any input or advice that you give her is on her mind and she thinks about it. However, i am about her age and I would feel like it is more than just an issue of you paying for her college or not but it could seem like more of a choice of him or her parents and that seems like a rough spot to be in. Our parents cant hold our hands our whole lives, we need to be able to make our own choices and be responsible enough to deal with the consequences. It seems like you all have your reasons about doubting her boyfriend. And it also seems like you care an awful lot about her and raised her as best you knew how and based on that I think she will be able to tell whether or not this guy is right for her. And if not and things start to go wrong in the relationship then shell learn her lesson in picking the company she chooses.

Answer 5

The more you tell her that he is bad, the more appealing he becomes.  Pay for her college (don't take that away from her) and start inviting him over to EVERY family function.  Start finding the positive in him and he will lose his appeal.

Answer 6

WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO MAKE YOUR DAUGHTER UPSET ! she is 19 her boyfriend is HER choice not yours !!!!!! if your girl happy with him then you should be glad she happy !!!! your not dating him !!!!!

Answer 7

Its HER choice, NOT yours!

Answer 8

That is unfair to make her choose between him and you both. She is 19, who she goes out with is not your choice. All you will do is drive her away from you, which it looks like you have already managed to do.

You are supposed to love her unconditionally, she is your daughter! Support her, love her, be there for her. And if she wants to be with him she will, with or without your support.

Answer 9

I think what you are doing is very mean Blackmail never ever works'  O.K. you dont like him you dont think he is good enough. I have a similar situation my daughter lives with a man I detest he is a lazy good for nothing. I would never stop seeing my daughter but I have made it clear he will never be welcome in my home. I dont beleave in marriage so if it happened I would not go I think it is an utter waste of money but I still love my daughter and I am proud of what she achieves in her own right if she wants to learn the hard way thats up to her if and when it all goes wrong I will be there for her.

Answer 10

Is there a reason why you dont like him, or is it because he's not making a lot of money and he's a few years older?  The way I see it is, shes going to leave and not finish school so she can be with him.  At least your paying for college and she's going.  They have been together for awhile, so its not like its a fling.

Answer 11

Can you really be this arrogent?  You're going to hold a college education over your daughter's head?  You don't know anything about this guy except that he's broke?

When I met my husband, we were both in high school.  He joined the Navy, and we got married at 19.  For the first few years, he barely made enough money to pay the bills.  We both worked.  He is now transitioning out of the military, and will have a high paying job.  

His mom told us NOT to get married.  My parents were against it, but knew better than to forbid us.

Surprise.  We got married 4 months later, our daughter is 8 months old, and we're very happy together.

You WILL lose your daughter over this.  Because, at this point, you are obviously nothing but a meal-ticket to her.  In any other situation, you wouldn't try to make her cry and break it off with a long time boyfriend, and she wouldn't be choosing him over your money.

Answer 12

I also have a 19 year old daughter....... the more you push it

the more she wants to be with him... she needs to live and learn. Young adults learn sometimes the hard way.

I will say this  Your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions. You cannot pick her b/f for her because it is not about you. It is about her feelings for him.   Dont deny her college. that would be so wrong

Answer 13

I think if she's in school and doing well her best hope is to finish  getting a good education.  The last thing you want is to have her feeling stuck with him because she can't get a good job and doesn't have any self esteem.  Forcing her to choose is a loose ~ loose situtation.  If you suceed in forcing her to leave him she may not do well in school because she is deperessed and she may resent you.  If she decides to stay with him and give up school then you have a daughter who likely won't reach her full potential and she'll resent you.  Women tend to realize their guy is looser sooner or later and the better she feels about herself the more likely she is to want someone who is worthy of her and the less appealing a looser looks.

Answer 14

You are a terrible parent. Using black mail to make an adult do as you wish. What is wrong with you? It is not up to you to decide who she dates and spends her time with. You should be glad that he is happy. The only reason y ou listed was his wages and that is none of your business. It does not matter what you like or what you want. She will be alright when she gets rid of you.

Answer 15

Wow, I don't think the ultimatum was a good idea. She is 19, and as hard as it is you have to let her live HER life - not the life you want for her. If it's a mistake she'll find that out and hopefully learn from it. The harder you push for this relationship to end the harder they will hang on to each other - if you would just back off and accept her decision you will give her the freedom to possibly see that he isn't the best choice for her. One more thing - is he nice to her?? Does he treat her respectfully? Maybe your daughter is more interested in how he treats her than how much money he makes.

Answer 16

At some point we move from being our kids "managers" to their "consultants". (I can't remember which author said that but I thought it was amazing advice) People need to make mistakes in order to learn from them. You might not think he's good for her (and you are probably correct) but all you can really do let her live her life and learn as she goes. Are you going to make these kinds of decisions for her forever? In order for her to gain independence, she's going to have to break out and make tough choices. By making her choose between him or her education you run the risk of ending up with a daughter that is now stuck in a bad relationship with no education to pull herself up and out. Her choices are tough already at that age without you adding to the pressure. I say drop it and stand back and watch what she does. Pay for her education if you have the means but don't hold her hostage because of it. You might find that she surprises you when she realizes that this guy is no good. Let her learn it in her own time. Good luck :)

Answer 17

I dated a pretty worthless guy when I was 19, too.  Of course, I didn't see it that way.  I thought he was great.  Well, not completely great.  I knew he had some problems, but I thought we could work through them.  And so what if he had a lousy job and no ambition... as long as you have love, that's all you need, right?

My parents and even my friends told me what a slug he was.  They did everything they could to convince me, but I didn't believe them.  I just got defensive.  When we got engaged, my dad refused to pay for the wedding or even to attend it at first.  But he did show up and walked me down the aisle and actually gave us some money.  

It took me a year to wise up and realize what a mistake I'd made, and that my parents were right.  Thank God we didn't have any kids... I was able to walk away with just a puppy.  And the love and support of my parents.  

I'm so glad they stood by me through it all, even though they would've been well within their rights to leave me on my own and let me suffer from my mistake.  They could've forced me to choose between him or them.  But if they had, it would've put a wedge in our relationship; I would've resented them and felt that I couldn't go to them for help when I really needed it.

The truth is, nothing you can do or say will convince your daughter that this guy is no good for her.  She'll have to come to that realization herself.  And she will, eventually, if he's as bad as you say.  And then she'll need your love and support to help her get her life back on track.  So try not to alienate her.  In the end, it will all work out.  It did for me!  I'm happily married to a great guy who my parents love.  But I couldn't have gotten to this point without their unconditional support.

Answer 18

bribery sucks you know ....

and Money Isn't everything .. Give my daughter a pauper for a husband ... if they were to love one another and were happy together ..

If they are not meant to be together LET THEM WORK IT OUT FOR THEMSELVES....

Leave her Be.

Answer 19

is there a better reason you sont like him or is it just that he isnt making enough money