Will my mum change when I have my own child?

Question

I have had problems with my mum for close to 7 yrs as I have been helping her financially, I think this caused her to lie about how bad her situation was so I could give her more money while she lived luxuriously and I had to pay for everything. She also knows I would die for my siblings and I feel she totally takes advantage and thinks that they are my responsibility - for example she doesn't care if she gets fired because she will use emotional blackmail so I can do everything for them.

Recently I caught on to everything and decided to h**l with her, I am finally going to apply and go to university whether she likes it or not. She was upset, said horrible things about me and my husband (now I'm married) to family and friends and now when we meet people they always say to us the horrible things she said. 1 yr later, I am still helping her sort herself out, she hasn't changed. And when I said I should be done with Uni in a few years, her response to me that was "by then I will need to retire" she will be barely 50 and my siblings will be just about to start uni (only one of them) the rest will be in high school and someone has to look after them.

She doesn't even take into account that I will be on low salary when I start, will have student debt to pay and would also like a family of my own - apart from needing to help my husband with our mortgage.

She thinks she can just quit work when I finish university.

When I finished high school I put my life on hold for 6 yrs to help her and have entered University as a mature student. My husband and I would like to have kids at some point but I feel my mother is using emotional blackmail to "force" me to look after my siblings. She knows I would take them in if she quit work.

I have planned to have my baby during my "optional research year" which should be much quieter than my other years at University - this is because my course is very long and I will be around 30ish by the time I finish.

I am worried that my mother doesn't realise that I will also have a duty to look after my child/children when I have them and that having my baby in a couple of yrs means my siblings will be still young too and need looking after should my mother start playing up.

I think this will be hard for me not only financially, but emotionally and physically. What should I do?

p.s. we are currently in the process of finding her a proper house to move into, so that she is no longer in our home and lying to people and going through our stuff etc. so hopefully she'll be gone within a month, but I am still unsure about what to do about the future.

Answer 1

Your mother is a user, and by letting her get away with this, you are ruining your own life.

Don't fall for the emotional blackmail thing. Let your brothers and sisters do what you did, work hard to achieve things.

And tell your mother to get lost. Stop having anything to do with her.

Yes, you can do this. You can ditch family members who treat you like dirt. And in the process grow a spine. Let her tell lies about you, I think that people will see what you've accomplished and she how she lives, then they'll know who to believe.

Sheesh, family. You can't live with them and you can't shoot them.  

Answer 2

CattyOne sounds to this old guy like the roles have been reversed here for quite a while; whereas you have been acting as the adult and your mom as the kid in this relationship.   Your husband is either a friggin saint or must have one h**l of a even temper.  I would have blown up with this years ago.  If your mom cannot properly take care of your siblings then perhaps you need to call the authorities and have them removed from her care and be put into foster care.   I realize by the sound of your letter that you would never allow that to happen.  But mom does need to learn how to stand on her own to feet and be a parent rather then a leech.  What type of example is she setting for your sisters and brothers.  If you have any Aunts or Uncles that are pretty responsible then perhaps you could involve them and see if they could be of any assistance.  Your mother may very well be intentionally trying to disrupt and interfere with your marriage so she can sucker you in all the more.  Imagine if you and your man were to separate, Christ she would think she has found a gold mine and would be giving all types of legal advice about how to keep your home, etc. etc.  But I'm getting off topic, sorry, time to give mom a reality check.  Once you have been successful in finding her new living arrangements tell her that she is either going to sink or swim now as your doors are now closed to her to live there. You do not need to be mean about it but be realistic and tell her exactly how you feel and that it is time that you realize your dreams and not live as she would like you to.  Do go off to University and get your degree, it will be one of the things that you will be most proud of later in your life.  I also returned to school when I was 30 years old as a mature student and loved ever figgin minute of it.  Did a lot better also then the younger students who were away from home for the first time and just wanted to party.  Remember you too are one of your mother's kids and not her parent.  Once again I have to congratulate you on selecting such an understanding man as a husband, and let him know how grateful you are for him also.  Will your mom change once she becomes a grandparent, God only knows, but I wouldn't bet the farm on it.  Best of luck to you and all involved.

Answer 3

throw her out and call social services

Answer 4

This is sick. You have been taken advantage of big time and that is abuse! Plain and simple! Instead of finding her a proper home to move to, make reservations at a motel 6 for tomorrow and move her out. You are disrespecting your husband and if you dont focus on him instead of your ( what I hope to be ) ex family, you will lose him. Why should he put up with these freeloaders. You are under no moral obligation to do what you have been doing. They are not crippled and unable to walk. You , in fact, are enabling them to not be the best they can be. I hope  you have the courage to realize that you owe your husband, not them. Oprah had a show about just this kind of emotional blackmail with Suzie Orman . The family finally told the woman they would not be supporting her anymore. Can you move far away?????I suggest you not get pregnant unless you are very far from these people.      Can you ask yourself WHY you need this kind of abuse?