Will someone comment on my poetry please?

Question

Working Nine to Five

Doors open on invisible hinges

Leading into darkened halls.

People standing in orderly fashion

Awaiting the time until there name is called.

Smiles on faces slowly disappear

As they realize they are confronting there fear.

Single file they walk towards the wall

Facing there executioner

They try and stand tall.

They thought they were doing what was right all along

But all they were doing was prolonging the song.

Going through the motions and performing the mundane

They slowly killed themselves by going insane.

They were to afraid to step out and stand on there own

And now they have died with there legacy unknown.

Answer 1

i'm in love with your imagery!  

Answer 2

It is ok but try leaving out the small words such as 'were, and, the' etc. Make it read poetic n not like you are trying to explain something using shortcuts. e.g. from the phrase 'Awaiting the time their name is called' can be rephrased as 'Await time of names be called'...something like that. Your ideas however are great and you are on the right track. Keep it up and try using more puns, personifications and figurative language.

Answer 3

its deep and really meaningful! it has an impact that says something!!!! keep writting the world needs to see this kind of talent!

Answer 4

that is an absolutely beautifully written poem. I write poetry myself, you should really visit http://www.teenink.com/ sometime, it's really cool. I like this poem, no, scratch that, I LOVE this poem. YOu should try to get that copyrighted. Maybe you could get it published in a collection of poems, they accept applications from people all the time.

Answer 5

OMFG, i love it!

it is simply amazing.

Answer 6

I would like to see better use of the lexicon, and proper use of there/their/they're

Apply more metaphors to illustrate your theme.

Good examples of this:

"facing theIR executioner"--are you talking about "time" here? Keep that theme going through the poem and it will be more powerful as a comment on the working life your title suggests.

What is the "song" that is being prolonged? Another good metaphor that you could explore more fully to strengthen the poem.

Answer 7

omg its awesome

Answer 8

this is really good!

Answer 9

wow i loved it! it had great imagery and i could really feel it haha anyway i thought it was clever

read my poem plz tell me what you think

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 10

I like it.  But you have misspelled words.  Their instead of there

As in they were to afraid to step out and stand on their own.

I kind of had and idea where you were going with this but when I got to the end .........bang..

tears came to my eyes for a sec......  good going

A suggestion when you write poetry go to spell check in yahoo email.

Answer 11

I really like it, however, your usage of the word 'there' is wrong.  You should be using the word 'their' instead.  Good job!

Answer 12

WOW that's amazing. I love your word choices and your way of explaining things. WOW GREAT JOB!!!!!!