Will the Catholic Church reject our application to marry when they find out we live together?

Question

It's happened to a few of my Catholic friends...they arrange for the service and wedding ceremony at their church and closer to the ceremony are rejected because they find out the couple lives together. Should I be honest with the priest when we go to the church to sign papers in September??? I've already booked the church, but I'm worried!!

Answer 1

They didnt reject your friends for living together, it was probably because they were lying. Most, if not ALL catholic churches marry people who already live together because that is the majority these days. Lying on an application however is probably what the issue was, even if they did tell your friends it was because they were living together. Behonest and I wouldnt sweat it. If worst comes to worst you can try another Christian branch, even fundamentalist churches would marry you, or a mehtodist one. That can be your last resort if you realy want to get married in the eyes of God.

Answer 2

I don't know much about the catholic church but logic dictates that what your friends are telling you doesn't make sense......the church views 'living together' as sinful, so you would think they would do everything they could to make it possible for the couple to marry so they would not continue to sin....yes, I'm sure certain penances would be required, including the couple being sexually 'apart' until marriage, but to deny a couple marriage thus being party to the continuing sin doesn't make sense...those couples are not telling you the entire story...plus that's a sure fire way to loose followers to another church/religion.....I'd reseach the subject before totally believing what your friends have said...good luck.

Answer 3

Yes, be honest. They may not reject you for living together but most likely they would reject you for lying.

Answer 4

honestly..if its something you really need to make your day complete...lie....better safe then sorry!

Answer 5

It depends on the church and priest. Honestly, you do need to talk with the priest about it so that you can make other plans if he decides he won't marry you.

Answer 6

The Church usually doesn't reject a couple *just* because they are living together. There would have to be other reasons involved as well--I know the FOCCUS test we take has a section in it for cohabitating couples.

The Church will reject a marriage if they believe the marriage is detrimental to one or both persons' souls.

Also, if you are against the Catholic Church's  teachings, then you could be refused. If you are using birth control, getting abortions, have been sterilized and such, that is grounds to not be married according the the Church for to be married in the Church you have to agree to:

--Raising the children Catholic

--Going to the classes (Pre-Cana & NFP--Natural Family Planning)

--Being open to life (meaning NO contraceptives--condoms included--no sterilzation, no abortions)

--Being faithful Catholics

And yes, you do have to be honest with the priest. When you are up at the alter giving your vows, if you haven't been honest with the priest then you are making the priest a liar as well for he is saying before God that you two are in communion with the Church and have been approved for marriage.

That sin would be upon you and your husband as well because you didn't tell the priest all the information and thus made him a liar before God. And anyway, God knows no matter if you tell or not, but He also knows that you have lied to His priest.

Answer 7

Of course you need to be honest!  This happened to a cousin of mine and they explained to the priest that they were living together for financial purposes only.  He aksed them to refrain from any kind of physical relationship until the wedding.  They stayed in seperate rooms and to this day swear up and down that they obliged to the priest's request......

Answer 8

I'd check with your priest, just in case. To go into the marriage feeling guilty would suck.

Answer 9

My cousin's brother and his wife are Catholic. They lived together before marriage and the church knew that. They weren't rejected at all. I'd say be honest.

Answer 10

Be honest, yes.  My church does not reject anyone for living together, but you do receive  lengthy lectures about why it is wrong in the eyes of God.  My husband and I (both Catholic)did not live together before we were married, and even we received a brief lecture on this topic.  Several of my Catholic friends have lived together before marriage and each of them were still granted the permission to marry.  This may all depend on the church itself or the rules of the diocese.  This was in central Illinois; it may differ elsewhere.

Answer 11

It depends on the church/priest.  Some Catholic churches make you do a "compatibility" type test with your future spouse (some friends on mine got married last year and had to do one).  They lived together, and their priest asked them outright if they realized why it isn't condoned by the Catholic church.  They said they did realize the church didn't like it and why.  But they were still allowed to get married and have a full Catholic mass (they are both Catholic).

I think you would get in more trouble for lying than living together, depending on how strict your parish is.

Answer 12

I lived with my husband before we were married...before we booked the church...before we talked to the priest.

Had a lovely church wedding, thank you very much.

Answer 13

Depends on the priest. The church allows it, but not all parishes will perform the marriage. Part of this is that they don't want to perform a marriage with an increased risk of breakdown, part of it is that the priest wants to "ensure" that people believe what he does if he performs the wedding. (Sorry, I've had a run-in with a few churches like that. I don't go to those ones anymore).

If your friends have had this happen to them then it might be something that your diocese dictates. However, be honest. You'd hate for him to find out a week before and then cancel the wedding.

(Deliberately avoiding the ethical implications of lying about this or of living together).

Answer 14

You have to be honest and lay everything out on the table with the priest. I suggest you go talk to him ahead of time - before your meeting in Sept. - just in case.

But aside from that, I'm wondering why you are getting married in the Catholic church when you aren't following its tenets?????

Answer 15

I think it would be better to be upfront now.  

Most churches & clergy are progressive enough to understand that a LOT of people live together before marriage, and simply turn a blind eye to it.  

Chances are, your friends lied about living together and it was more the dishonesty than the actual living arrangements that caused problems.

Just to be safe, be sure to have an alternative site picked out...just in case the clergy-person you speak with is a bonehead about the whole thing.

Good luck.

Answer 16

They might.... but maybe not.  My hubby & I lived together AND had our son before we got married.  We had no problem...  Father Larry kinda laughed at us when we went in for our meeting with him.  He was like... well, it's too late now. He set up confessions at our rehearsal the night before and all was good.

If they reject you and you REALLY want a Catholic wedding, then call around.   They are all different.

Answer 17

Have an eye on an alternative place, and be honest.  While most  priests have no issues with it, yes, one of the local churches WILL cancel the wedding if the couple is living together.  The other ones don't as far as I know, but you have to be a member of the parish to get married there.   Sadly, my former parish canceled the wedding of one of my friends because she had a hysterectomy as a teenager to save her life.  Just one of the many reasons I am no longer Catholic.

Answer 18

ive never heard that they actually reject you! i just went through this process with my priest .. he did talk to us about it but there was another couple that came in and they had a baby with them. they werent turned down. i guess it really depends on the parish.  

if it doesnt work out.. depending on your wedding date you might be able to book another church. but def talk to them first. i dotn think they would know either way to be honest. but if you feel you need to confess then do it now just in case.

Answer 19

Hi.  I am Catholic myself and have never heard of that (rejection.).....hmmm....

I guess it totally depends on the priest, unfortunately.  My son and daughter-in-law lived together before they were married and were married in the Catholic Church.  I also know of LOTS of others.  That is unfortunate.

BUT....yes, be honest.  Do not lie.  Hopefully it will not be a problem at your parish.

Answer 20

Yes, that's the official policy.

If you're living together, the priest definitely wants you to get married, but he's probably not going to stand for you going through a big wedding and making it look like you're the virgin bride and that the two of you are embarking on a new phase of your relationship. That ship already sailed. So the priest will marry you quietly.

You shouldn't lie to the priest. That's a pretty lousy way to start your marriage -- with a lie.

Why don't one of you bunk with a relative or friend from now until the wedding? You can maintain one household of stuff, of course. But by separating, you can really focus on all the stuff that you're supposed to be working on in your premarital phase, and also, you can prove your fidelity to each other.

What I mean is this. Right now, all you know about his ability to uphold his marriage vows is that he doesn't need marriage vows to sleep with somebody. And that's all he knows about your idea of fidelity -- you don't need marriage vows as a prerequisite for s*x. This kind of sets you up for a lack of trust. Also a lousy way to start your marriage.

If today, right now, you enter into a commitment to refrain from sexual intercourse before marriage, you will be actively proving your ability to resist temptation. That's a GREAT gift. Because as your passion for each other and desire for each other continues to grow, it will be hard to resist each other. But when you do so, you'll learn that he has the strength to resist any cute flirt that happens into his life later on, and he'll learn that you have the strength to resist temptation, too.

Then what you can tell the priest is that you have one household and you used to live together, but one of you has moved out to stay with friends/relatives until the wedding and you've made a commitment to stay chaste until your wedding night. He'll be impressed, honest -- most couples are far too lazy and selfish to even entertain the thought. He'll be so impressed, you'll be able to have your big church wedding.

But the most important thing is you will be giving each other the best wedding gift of all -- proof of fidelity to your marriage vows.

Answer 21

If you lie to a PRIEST and GOD, why would any husband/wife think that your word is 100% true? By all means, talk to your priest. Many couples live together (this is NOT what we're debating so no point in people whining about whether or not it's right or wrong) - and many couples are Catholic. Thay have made the decision to live against church doctrine BUT they obviously respect their family AND their family faith is strong enough to want the marriage to be blessed.When you are going through your premarriage course, and when it gets close to the day, you will be receiving the sacramaent of confession. That is the time to "tell all" - but expect to be told to live apart or abstain from s*x until your wedding night. Been through it and one thing I can tell you FOR ABSOLUTE CERTAIN - you will not regret taking this step!! I moved back in with my parents one month before the wedding, after I had gone to see the Priest. The month of total abstinence added so much excitement to our wedding and wedding night. When we stood at the altar pledging our love and faith, my heart almost burst with the emotion of seeing my fiance as an "almost virginal" bride. We could hardly wait until the honeymoon and it was like the first time - except BETTER!! We knew each other, knew what we had been giving up, and knew we had made a lifetime commitment to each other. Always be honest in your life and in your marriage! Respect and love can not be bought. It must be earned and the rewards are endless!! Congratulations!!