Will the adopted child end up with psychological problems when.....?

Question

the adoptive mother says this about 'birth' mothers -

"A lot of people resent having to pay taxes & for welfare for irresponsible people who are a burden to society. Why should we have to pay for others' irresponsibility & mistakes? If they are going to have s*x then they need to be responsible for the consequences. Celibacy never killed anyone." ???

Do you think that this kind of attitude would have a diverse effect on the adopted child in the long run???

So many want to adopt children - but is this really what they think of the women that they hope to get a child from??

Do most adoptive parents really believe - deep down - that they DESERVE a child over the mother who carried the child to term??

Do you think that women that are considering relinquishing their child really know that these kinds of words are being said about them??

These attitudes make me really sad & worried for the well being of the adoptee.

Answer 1

me and my husband plan on adopting, I am sure they will have some issues with the life they have had to live, but if people didn't put children up for adoption many women like me who can not conceive could never have a child, but women who can and can not take care of their children  is in some ways not fair but most the time it is best for the child. The number of children given up is ridiculous though

Answer 2

I think its sad anyone would say that to begin with and doesnt show me much of them as a person.As far as the effect on the adopted one i would say no they will grow up learn that some pepole say things because they are ignorant and have no respect for others.Mothers that have to give there children up alot of times dont have a choice its not because they dont want themor they dont care,in fact most i would say want there children to have a better life than what they can give them and thats why because they dont have a way to provide a good life for them.Life is not easy for everybody.

Answer 3

Wow...  Insults run off children like water off ducks?  Really?  Divorced parents put their children in impossible spots when they bad mouth the other parent.  Likewise, adoptive parents that put down the birth parents (which, to be sure, is not every adoptive parent) harm the child.  Children are incredibly sensitive to what they hear.

Answer 4

I am a birth mother..........and I know that my daughter's adopted parents resent me.  I have even tried to offer my hand (in a matter of speaking) thanking them for giving her the kind of life that I wouldn't have been able to given my young age at her birth.

What they give me in return is a big fat nothing.  They ignored my messages of thanks and friendship............how disrespectful not only to the woman that gave them a child to raise, but disrespectful to their daughter.

I think that these adoptive parents are assuming that since I went on to have (and raise) 5 other kids that I wouldn't miss the one.  I told both my daughter and her aparents that I don't want to take her love away (as if I had the power to do so) I just want to be part of her life.  I can't steal her love or loyalty from them.  

I am sad and worried for my daughter.  Her parents have made her feel guilty for caring for me.

Answer 5

Excellent question.  I have recently stumbled across a MSN group called Contested.  They are a group of such adoptive parents.  These people mock the mothers and fathers that they stole, yes stole, their children from.  

I don't think many people realize that a mother that consciously chooses adoption is NOT a drug addicted female nor is she a w***e.  Its a myth that the adoption industry wants people to believe.  That kind of adoption comes out of foster care.  Uneducated humans associate both types of adoption together.  But that is what we are for. To educate others on this very topic.

I think a majority of adoptive parents don't feel that way.  At least I hope they don't.  From what I heard about a conference in Austin, Texas, they don't.  So yes there is hope.  They impressed a staunch anti adoption personality out of Texas.  Looking forward to hearing more from that person.  

Yes the mothers and fathers do realize what is being said about them.  They are fighting that kind of derogatory commentary hard in the court systems.

Answer 6

I am absolutely certain that the adoptee would rather stay in a foster home than in a family setting.  Yes, you are such a good person for worrying about these children being adopted.  Write Hilarity with your concerns, she is sure to help.

Answer 7

I totally agree with your opinion on this.

Whomever adopts a child should show more resposibility to the child they adopt.

Of course the mother who has put up their child for adoption (for whatever reasons) is unlikely to ever know that this type of behaviour is going on.

And most likely would be very saddened by it, as you are - rightly so.

Answer 8

be careful your kid will probably be a murderer

Answer 9

I did not think that was about adoption.  I think it was meant more as people are getting tired of their tax dollars going to welfare to help support children of people who are not ready to be parents.  Because parents who adopt children do not receive welfare, however, if a child is put into foster care the foster parents receive welfare payments for the child.  

No, I do not think that adoptive parents feel that they deserve a child more then the mother carrying the child during pregnancy.  I think that the attitude of many adoptive parents is greatfulness.  

I think that when a mother gives her child up for adoption she is being the best parent in the world, one that admits that she can not do it and loves her child enough to give him or her what they will need in live.

Answer 10

well you can think that but shouldnt tell the child that. you tell the child that people make mistakes and its not their fault(meaning the child)  sometimes adults dont know what they are doing either. nobody is perfect. its all about choices. there are two choices to make, sometimes adults are really bad at making them. they do it with their eyes closed. it really depends on the circumstance that the birth mother gave the child up, unwanted pregnancy then yes im smarter. wanting a better life for the child that takes balls to love a child but want to give them a better life with someone else. taken away? depends on the circumstance. but never get the child involved in adult conversation.

Answer 11

Hi Possum,

I share your frustration over attitudes such as those for several reasons.  First, it demonstrates a poor opinion of that child's first family which will be reflected back in how that adopter feels about that child, particularly when any normal, negative childhood behavior is observed, it's assumed to originate from the bad seed of the first family.  Conversely, good behavior and talents will be credited, if not verbally, at least mentally, to the wonderful upbringing on the part of the adopters.

Unfortunately, some of the very people that some agencies are approving as fit people to parent other people's children, harbor attitudes that run deeply against natural families.  I'm sure most of us online have witnessed firsthand the ramblings of PAP's and AP's that indicate their sense of entitlement and superiority over the often younger, more vulnerable first families.  Some truly believe more money=more deserving of their child.  Or how about that savior syndrome that some of them have of having saved a baby?  Saved them from what?  It's implied that first family=bad,  Adopters=good.  Adoptees do pick up on those negative attitudes and feelings their adoptive families have towards their first families, and it can only be to their detriment because to disrespect his/her first family, is to disrespect a part of who he/she is.  Even in families not affected by adoption, it is not ever advised for one parent to speak ill of the other in front of the child for the same reason - it makes the child feel bad about himself.

Interestingly enough, there is plenty of blame to go around instead of all the fingerpointing at first families with accusations of irresponsibility & mistakes.  How about pondering how irresponsible it is for the people who know they want children someday, yet postpone childbearing until it's no longer a feasible option for them?  How about people who did not guard their reproductive systems with poor choices in drugs, health, weight, or sexually irresponsible behavior, all factors that can also contribute to infertility?  Yet they would have us believe it was all in God's plan.  He intended for them to take somebody's else's child instead.  Many adopters also have unresolved issues surrounding their infertility that can surface later and affect the psychological wellbeing of the adoptee.  There are some things adoptees cannot fix, & that is one of them.  

As for women who are being pressured to relinquish, no, they are not informed of how PAP's might really feel about them.  Yes, I believe that would influence many a woman's feelings about future placement of her baby if she only realized.  It's sad really because they do want what's best for their baby, and they do not have all the facts to make an informed decision.  The glossy "Dear Birthmother" letters do not tell the whole story.  No, they will not get all the information they need from adoption agencies, adoption attorneys, or adoptive parents.  By the time they do get the big picture, it's usually too late.

Finally, while adopters purport to resent paying for assistance to keep families in need together, they have no problems whatsoever helping themselves to tax benefits of almost $11,000 for 5 years time for adopting one of those children for themselves.  Does anyone else see an incongruency there?

Yes, I do believe all of those attitudes you listed adversely affect the adoptee.  And yes, they do occur, not in every case of course.  Even if it happens once, that's too often.  Good question, thanks for asking it.

julie j

reunited adoptee

rights activist

Answer 12

Yes I also agree that people need to do their best to speak well of their children's biological family.

If you can not respect where your child came from, then there is no way you can ever really respect your child.

Kids pick that  kind of stuff up very easily, whether it is spoken of or not.

Answer 13

My dad was adopted, and he has NO psychological problems.

It all depends on how the adopted child was raised. My dad was told by my grandma, and he is very close to her. He has never looked for his real mother. But he does know a little about her, from which my grandmother has told him. But any mental problems have to do with the upbringing of the child.

Answer 14

Very sad that some crazy people can slip through the process and adopt. I wish there was better psychological screening in place. Certainly there are enough potential adoptive parents we could surely be quite particular regarding who gets the honor of raising abandoned children.

Answer 15

Someone very close to me adopted a child.  Yes the mothers do know what is being said about them and usually they are either too strung out on drugs or alcohol to care, or they have mental disabilities.  

It is very sad, and the adopted chidren will usually have abandonment issues.  That makes everyone feel bad especially the adopted mother.

Answer 16

As a single parent, with 3 adopted/disabled children I will give you my personal "slant" on this. There are good and bad adoptive parents, and unfortunately you have heard from the bad ones. I do not know to this day if I deserved these Angels more than their birth mothers, but then you must consider that one mother had an abusive/controlling husband who refused to allow her to bring an "imperfect" child home from the hospital, told his 8 year old son that his brother died in hospital, the second birth mother, was a prostitute, alcoholic, drug addicted woman, the child was born addicted to drugs, had fetal alcohol syndrome and tested positive for marijuana at birth, the third birth mother was drug addicted and was in prison, she would get out and go immediately back in for drug charges. I cannot say that they did not love their babies and I would never tell these Angels anything derogatory, I can only tell you that personally I feel that I opened my arms and GOD allowed 3 Angels to fall from heaven and land in my arms. I LOVE them (if it is possible) more than the 5 children I created naturally. There is no question about me giving my life to save one of them or all of them from pain or hurt. They are my Angels.

Answer 17

I'm sorry any child has to live with parents talking like that, and it certainly makes me really sad and worried about the well being of the adoptee, too.  But, I think you can always find among any category of people ones who are just too stupid to live.  Being an adoptive parent, I socialize among lots of other adoptive parents, and this kind of attitude is not common.  When someone does speak that way, they have all kinds of people jumping on them and aren't welcome.  So, don't generalize what one idiot says to all adoptive parents.

Answer 18

THANK YOU  (Tears) YOU ARE MY HERO TODAY. My Two sons were taken t" AND "WAS DISTURBED" Bcause I was in "Foster-care". I have to think back that if there was JUST ONE person like you who thought about the FUTURE  . I would have recieved the support needed to Raise mt Two sons. I hope my sons dont hate me. I think about it everyday. YOU sound like you should Speak for children on their welfare behalf someday. Agencies need people like YOU.

Answer 19

I am adopted and know my birth Mother, believe me when I say I had a great life with my adopted parents and yes it was better then it would have been.And I thank God everyday that my bio Mom thought of me first and let me go.

Answer 20

i'm not sure i get it completely but from what i do get i think that adoptive parents don't think they deserve it but that the adoptee deserved better than their birth parents.

Answer 21

I am a mom who had the opportunity to adopt my son.  I most certainly do not feel this way....

My son's birthmother was a 19 year old KID.... she was alone and she was pregnant.  She didn't have a good support system to help support her physically, emotionally, or financially.  She had a little girl that was 16 months old.  

And don't even go there about preaching about didn't she know where babies came from since she already had one... let's just say KID one more time....

Everyday I enjoy my child...everyday she wonders what he is doing, how he is... who his friends are, etc...

I do not feel as if I deserve my son more than she did.... I was just able to provide him a more stable environment than she was at that time.  Period!!!  

Adoptive parents, at least this one, is extremely grateful to our birthparents...we are sad and happy at the same time.  

One day she will meet him and that will be a great day!!

Answer 22

Making detrimental comments about a child's original family is very wrong. Even if the child was removed from the home due to abuse, its important to not deride the family. Children pick up on negativity very easily.

Answer 23

i am adopted and for people to think like you do, is not very nice when you don't know the whole story. of the mother or father. in most times its better for the child to be adopted. its a lot better than being in a hellish foster home, where most foster parents are in it for the money and not the love and care for the kids.

Answer 24

hmm my husband was adopted i think he had problems when he was younger cuz he missed getting that mama love he was in foster care for 9 months but his mom really thought she deserved him im sure.i think he is fine now.

Answer 25

It is unfortunate that some adoptive parents don't realize that by being disrespectful to the natural parents they damage their child's sense of self

eta:  Jesus God, do adoptive parents not have to pass an intelligence test?

Answer 26

From what I've experienced, this kind of attitude is NOT common and if this person has adopted children and is talking like this, that person needs to be reported: to the child's school counselor or other adult in child services. This kind of attitude IS detrimental to the child. There are so many reasons children are put up for adoption and why people choose to adopt. Don't let this person's attitude get you down!!

Answer 27

Obviously you have forgotten your own childhood or never had a bad word said about you when you were one however, most children are like ducks, insults run off them like water.  Besides, even if the truth hurts, it doesn't lose his validity.

Answer 28

There are as many reasons for giving up a child for adoption as there are children being adopted!

I don't know who said the above statement, but most adoptive parents do not feel this way all; they are may or may not be aware of the reason why the child is being placed for adoption and they usually don't care why; they are grateful to have the opportunity to provide a safe, loving, nurturing home for a child who may not otherwise have one.

I hope that when the person who did make the above crass and derogatory statement is going through her pre-adoption evaluation that she is found to be unfit. No child should have to be raised by such a hateful person.

Answer 29

Well, Possum, I would have been the 1st to answer your question (that I've been composing ever since you posted this & would have a lot more thumbs down, too) but for going to the dictionary to check my spelling of a certain word my spell check couldn't handle. It wiped out my answers so I'll try again. Maybe it was fate so that it would give me time to go back and look at the posts since. I'll try to do this again. I sincerely hope that you read it in it's entirety and ask that you please not twist my words around nor take them out of context. Thank you.

question #1: No, not when it is the truth. My child (who was formerly in a Russian orphanage) is very well adjusted, and a very happy, loving (& much loved), playful little girl who has a mother that tells the truth. She is being raised to be responsible and that there are consequences when she is irresponsible. She can see for herself the effects it has on society, when someone behaves irresponsibly. She is very caring, and empathetic to the plight of anyone and anything suffering in any way, just like her mother, and is growing up to be a very responsible humanitarian and human being.

Let's break your questions down. First, you have taken what I said out of context but I do thank you for quoting me correctly. I was not talking about all birth mothers as you can see clearly. I was referring to girls/females (& their partners) who have not thought about the consequences of consentual s*x and do not accept responsibility when they conceive but expect a hand out. When I wrote this on another's thread, I did not want to single the woman out. I am sorry if what I said hurt your feelings but they are the facts. You did not answer my questions, though, and I think they are valid. Do you know of anyone who practiced celibacy and it killed them?

One must assume by the tone of your question, that you think that society should pay for others' irresponsibility and also allow them to receive welfare. Also that you think another child accidentally conceived and brought to term, but who cannot be taken care of properly is not a burden to society, when there are millions of existing starving, neglected, abused, and orphaned children all over this planet who are in desperate need of a safe home and loving family.

Not that it is anyones' business, and it is not, but I CHOSE to go on oral contraceptives & CHOSE to adopt an orphan from another country instead of conceiving because my conscience screams out that we must try to take care of the existing crises at hand before adding to them. I CHOOSE to be responsible for my actions.

Question #2: No I do not. It's not an "attitude" but the hard cold truth. What I know will have (& is having) a diverse effect on my child, and all children, and society are those who lie, cheat, steal, (& come into this country illegally), are irresponsible, blame everyone but themselves and don't accept the consequences of their behavior, and expect handouts, an education, welfare, food stamps, health care, etc. and believe that society "owes" them and should have to pay the price for others' mistakes.

question #3: Many do think this, yes but that is not what is at stake here. The child is the issue. Hopefully parents, whether bio or adoptive want what is best for the child, period. What does it matter what they think of "the women" anyhow? (My daughter happens to look very much like me. I didn't have a choice about that. I live in a smaller community with a nasty habit of gossip. I have been called every name in the book from a w**** to a nun (which I almost became) before & after the adoption, and within earshot, I've heard several people say that my child looks so much like me that I must've sneaked off and had her. I couldn't care less what they say about me. All I care about is my daughter, period. My life is private and they can't stand it. The rest of them can go to H***.) Remember it is always all about the child, not the parents.

question #4: You chose to use the word "DESERVE". In my experience, I have never in my entire life ever heard anyone say what you just said. I am sorry but that is ludicrous. What every parent should really believe and KNOW is that every CHILD "deserves" to be loved, taken care of and have a family.  

question #5: I don't know whether they do or not but once again, what does it matter? It is the CHILD who matters. The facts are the facts. I am speaking of the majority but I'm not applying this to every single one of you. That would be ridiculous. I'm not God, nor do I want to be, and I sure as h*** don't care to know what goes on behind the doors & in the backseats of others. That's gross.

I am sorry that the facts (not "attitudes) are unpleasant and cause you sadness. I don't like them any more than you do but facts have to be faced. If not, this world and the children who should inherit it, are doomed. I stand by the ASPCA's motto: Until there are none, adopt one. I know what I did was right and if I could, I would adopt every orphan on this planet.

I don't know what you've been through personally but it sounds like a lot of heartache. I am sorry if your parents weren't supportive of you or whatever the problem is. If I could erase what happened to you, I would. I don't know of anyone who comes from a perfect family, though, adopted or not. As parents, it is up to us to do our very best in raising our children and ensure that they always come first. I hope that this eases your worries. And you probably won't believe this but I am thankful and grateful for the girl who carried and delivered my baby.

PS: When she was being bullied at school, I took her to a psychologist who could help her with the matter, (I didn't feel equipped enough, since I was also the target of bullies when I was little too). She's a people pleaser and a peace maker. It wouldn't surprise me or anyone else if she's a diplomat someday. The psychologist was amazed and said that we've bonded better than most bios she's ever seen. I got the thumbs up from her on how I am raising her along with the pediatricians'. Of course, it helps that she is totally awesome in every way.

Oops. I just remembered this was in my first response to you that got erased, but I forgot which of your questions I was answering (sorry it's late here). I didn't know anything about anti-adoption until I joined this site. I do try to read the links you guys list. I think everyone whether they agree or not has a right to their own opinion. Anyhow, the tactics being used by the anti-adoption group are almost identical to what the anti-abortionists did in the late 80's. Instead of being peaceful and honest, they put out a bunch of lies and propaganda, along with violence and threats. They literally took over the republican party. Old line republicans, like myself, fought them until we couldn't take it anymore and left the party either to become democrats, liberals and non voters. I hope that what the anti-adoptionists are doing won't have the same results but fear they will. As you know, history has a way of repeating itself (i.e. hitler & the n***s). When groups go around brow beating, terrorizing, ranting, raving, making threats, stalking, etc., it doesn't do anything for their cause but it causes a lot of damage to others who are completely innocent. Just as anti-abortionists haven't put their money where their mouths (& bombs) are and haven't adopted all of these fetuses nor helped educate anyone about s*x, anti-adoptionists are harming orphans who exist right now, who desperately need a loving family and safe environment. Please don't hurt the innocents and take them over the cliff along with your (not specifically you; the collective you) cause. I cannot begin to describe the indescribable sights, smells & aftermaths of crimes & wars I've seen in orphanages and refugee camps. I beg all of you to please consider these poor souls when you are about to write something hateful. Try to remember that orphans and most adoptive parents are not the cause of your pain, please.

Answer 30

No I don't think it will have a diverse effect on an adopted person. I think it will most likely have a singular effect on him or her. I think the effect will be that he or she will adopt similar attitudes regarding personal responsibility.