Will the sad feelings ever go away?

Question

My teenage daughter, who is pregnant, has decided to give her baby up for adoption. We have picked a wonderful couple and I have no doubt that they will be great parents. Its just that I feel so sad. I think I'm having a harder time than my daughter. If only I had a lot of money or even family to help, but I have neither. Anyone else dealt with these feelings and, if so, did it get better in time?

Answer 1

My sister in law is a by-polar, manic depressant..that just says it all...she got pregnant when she turned eighteen and seriously thought about keeping the baby.  She changed her mind and gave her son up for an open adoption. Has your daughter thought of that.  Anyways,  we keep in contact with his adopted parents and they still consider us aunt, uncle, grandma...we are still family.  Makes things easier for everyone, including the baby.  May I also say that i commend your daughter for making such a selfless act for her child.  It takes a very strong person to put a baby's well being before her own needs and wants :)

Answer 2

No unfortunatly the pain never goes away. I am 39yr old adoptee and sometimes i can put it out of my mind for a few months, but I will always wonder who I really am, and why I wasn't wanted.

Answer 3

I'm an adoptee & a birthmother and I can honestly tell you that the pain will never go away. It subsides slightly, but all it takes is for one little thing to bring it all back again. Birthdays are really hard. My daughters just turned 16, and now that day is just a day spent bawling and looking at my other children wondering what if?

I really urge you to contact birthright. www.birthright.org it's a pregnancy crisis center. I've used their services, and they're excellent. Their completly non judgemental, even if all you need is a listening ear. They can also help by providing you with everything you need for a baby if thats whats stopping your daughter from parenting. It's an excellent support. It's also not affiliated with any adoption agency, and can only act as a referral  service if you choose to go ahead with adoption

Answer 4

I think what both you and your daughter are doing is great, giving the child a chance at a better life ... and its normal to feel sad, because you know that you can't be a part of this childs life .. and your daughter has made a very grown up decision in both getting pregnant and dealing with it.

Your job as a mom has been great .. and its sad because you realize for the most part its done .. you need to embrace your daughter and her decision and maybe work for a better tomorrow for both of you ... it does get easier in time .. but that really isn't very comforting now.

I wish you the best.

Answer 5

i never gave up a baby! i want to adopt a child! but im sure it will be hard for u both. and im sure later in life it will come back and u will be hurt. When the baby will grow up and look for his mom. GOOD luck sweetie.

Answer 6

I have never been in that situation, but I have to commend your daughter for her strength.  Adoption is the most selfless thing someone can do.  I am sure you feel sad, but think of how this child will get everything it needs in life.  I know money does not buy love, but if this couple can love this baby and financially support it, be happy!  They may even send pictures in years to come.  Good Luck!

Answer 7

Oh, wow. My heart is so hurt for you, and I commend you for being strong for your daughter. She needs you more than ever and I believe she's doing the best thing. I hear your pain; I can feel it through the screen and I admire you. All I can recommend is PRAYER. Of course, EVERYTHING  heals, scrapes, wounds, even those of the heart, heal with time. You are dealing w/ alot of emotions - guilt, anger, fear, etc. It's natural. You need to own all those emotions and then look at the BIGGER PICTURE, which is hard. I'm an adoptee and I've been around folks who have made the abortion decision and the adoption decision; neither road is a cake walk....

BUT yes, with time, this will all ease and you will say to yourself "I have a grandbaby out there someplace" and you will keep it to yourself and take it to your grave. Your daughter will grow into a healthy, strong woman and have kids when she's grown (and hopefully married) and you will talk quietly of 'what is she/he like', etc. But it's about accepting and moving on and TRULY knowing that she did the BEST thing for her baby at THIS TIME. In 10 years, it may be different, but for a 15 year old, this is the BEST decision. We can only make decisions with what we know and have today.

On note of caution (take this with the love it is written please):

I'd advise you that after the baby is gone (and a few months have passed), that you sit down and have a real serious talk with her that adoption (and abortion) are NOT birth control. Tell her that adoption is a serious move for anyone and that she must be wiser in the future as it relates to s*x and sexual activity. She needs to understand the gravity of this because I've known women who use adoption as a birthcontrol method; they have given away 3 and 4 kids to the system or to someone. I've heard women say "Oh, I don't believe in abortion, but I've given away 3". What? So, tell her that this should be a LIFE ALTERING event for the better and that she needs to focus on school and not s*x! Because trust me, I grew up in the ghetto and without proper intervention this can become a cycle; maybe she'll be 17 and keep that one, so be sure you IMPRESS upon her that you don't want anymore babies having babies and that she needs to use protection; you realize she's sexually active, so deal in reality, BUT that she needs to use two methods - condoms for HIV and birthcontrol. Don't avoid reality. She's having s*x, it's now your move to make sure that you put in the proper safeguards and do it WITH her without judgment. You've got work to do! Also, just a side note, my sister has HIV; it's more common that you might believe. Everyone believes 'not me', its a g*y disease or a black disease, a druggie disease or an African disease', but it's killing our youth, so remember, when we expose ourselves to sperm and bodily fluids, we expose ourselves to HIV/AIDS; don't let your daughter be a statistic! It's a common hetro disease these days regardless of what's not being said to our youth!

Answer 8

I'm so sorry that your daughter is considering adoption even before her son or daughter is born. I think it is best for new moms to go through their pregnancies with the idea that they will parent their child. If after the baby is born and she has given parenting a try and feels that she absolutely cannot do it, if there is no other family to help her out for a year or two, if no other family members are willing to raise the child, only then should she consider making an adoption plan.

There are thousands of couples wanting to adopt young infants, she will not have trouble finding a family even if she waits until after her child is born.

I lost my son to adoption in 1984. The pain comes and goes, but it never goes away and in fact does become worse over time. The loss is so complete.

Your daughter should be as informed as possible about the  many negative consequences to herself and her baby should she relinquish.  The links posted by Possum and Sunny are good ones for both you and your daughter to read. I really recommend that your daughter read this one: http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

Do you know about Kinship Care? There is federal money available to you to help raise your grandchild. Here is a link if you want to read about it.

http://www.usa.gov/Topics/Grandparents.s...

(there is a list of state resources at the bottom of the page)

Or just google "kinship care".

Email me if you want help finding resources within your state. Good luck.

ETA: other links http://www.aarp.org/families/grandparent...

http://www.abanet.org/child/kinshipcare....

Answer 9

I am an adoptee.  I am quite sure those feelings are natural.  

Do the best that you can.  I know you wish that you could help and that's aggravating for you.  You can help by being supportive to her.

I hope and pray that you do an open adoption.  I was a product of a closed adoption and it has grieved my adulthood because I am 48 and my mother 68 and she will not see me.  I feel that it has to do with the shame and the trauma that she said she went through.  Adoptions are different now and I wish that it was like that with mine.  However, I also look at it that God knows best also.  Who said that my mother loves me.  There have been times she said that people have abortions so they won't be bothered later.  She also is married and have other kids (2 older boys; 1 stepdaughter) and a husband that she's trying to keep it a secret.  I am bitter about how this has turned out.  It has been an awesome mess and I feel that it could have been better.  

I am requesting that you look into all alternatives of adoption before making this step.  There are all sorts of support groups that can help you through this process.  Adoption is good but look into alternatives.  You don't have to be rich to adopt or to help your daughter get on her feet.  Sometimes people give up children because they are looking at the immediate time and give up on hope.  I know that a child needs security and love.  It seems to me that you love the child and I am sure it would be secure if you could raise it yourself.

Do not give up.  I am trying to find a website.  I have done extensive research on adoption because of my misery.  It's not that I don't appreciate my adoptive parents they were wonderful.  It's just that I wish that there was some kind of way that I would not have had to go through this.  However, it may have been better for me because my mother seems to be a deceptive person.

What I am trying to say is --- don't give up.  I will edit this and search for a good website that may be of some encouragement.

God is the Lifter of your head and your daughter's.  Pray that God can keep you three together or an open adoption only so you will be able to see the baby.  Each child needs to know their family and has that right.  I don't know mine because my nmother wants me hidden.  She is so selfish.  However, I will override that ---- I am grown and have been for over 30 years.

God Bless

Answer 10

The sad feelings will never go away, but they will lessen. My husband and I have been looking into adoption and one thing that I have offered to mothers my help a little. I told our agency that I was open to what I consider a semi open adoption. That if the birth mother keeps me informed by e-mail of her address I will send 4/5 packages a year with a letter to update and current pictures. That way she is following the progress of her baby. And it also helps for me to give information to the child that we may adopt so they may find their birth mother when they want to.

Answer 11

No, they won't.

My mother surrendered me 43 years ago.  We have been reunited for over 20 years, and if we could go back in time, we would love to have been mommy & baby together, instead of the two adults we are now.

While these prospective adoptive parents may be nice to you now, that could, and probably will turn on a dime.  Open adoption is often used to get women to ease up, and relinquish their children, then the plug is pulled, and you and your daughter will be left with empty promises, since the 'agreement' is NOT legally enforcable.

Please fire up your printer, and print out these articles, you will learn a lot.

Here are some web sites to explore:

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org

http://www.origins-usa.org

http://www.babyscoopera.com

Some articles to print:

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...

http://rondidondi.wordpress.com/2007/10/...

http://crimemagazine.com/07/adoptionfore...

Please help your daughter to keep her child!

ETA: When people say to e-mail them, be wary.  Many desperados trolling for infants will tell you ANYTHING to get your grandchild.  It's SLEAZY, and it's against Y!A's terms of service.

Answer 12

PLEASE....... Ask your daughter to re think,show her this,try anything, she may want to adopt now, but you will regret it from that day and evreyday after for the rest of your life. I had my three children forcefully adopted my parents rights were taken away and i dont know where they are, and the PAIN, is unreal i really mean it there are groups out there that will do everything they can to help. my mum adopted her 1st she was 16, its her 50 next month and she still cant find him and social services say that they moved and left no forward address. please dont do it  im an empy soul and they have killed me inside dont do it to yourself it will bring tears

Answer 13

I personally haven't dealt with it, but know in your  heart you are doing the right thing for the baby and for your daughter as well as the wonderful couple you have picked.  The baby deserves the best shot at life she can have.  I'm sure you will think of her often, but, again, just remember that you did the right thing for everyone involved.

Answer 14

Can you please pool your resources and keep your Grandchild with you and your teenage daughter >

I have recently found my birth family and I have a NAN , a NAN that looks a lot like My Mother (who gave birth to me) and therefore me , a older me.

Ive missed out on having grandparents because I was adopted as my parents were a lot older and moved countries and my grandparents died. But I could have had a relationship with my nan if my mother had kept me

So PLEASE Help your daughter to keep YOUR Grandchild

You WONT regret it i Promise xx

Answer 15

They never go completely away. When your daughter is older and has time to really think about what she has done, it will become clear to her that her decision may haunt her the rest of her life. When you are in the pregnant/adoption/good for the baby mode, you really feel like this is best. It's when everything is said and done that you have the grief. I have to say that after I reunited with my bdaughter my feelings of dispare began to lift. I hope you and your daughter get counseling before she makes this monumentous decision. In the end, it's her choice and she should never be made to feel bad about it. Counseling and reunion have helped me. Believe me when I say, she will not "get over it" and it may take years to come to terms with her decision. Give her all the support she needs and talk about, don't bury it and let it become a secret.

Answer 16

Chances are, the sad feelings won't go away.  They might lessen over time, but they won't go away.  Money doesn't make a family.  Your daughter can parent her baby if she chooses to.  It will be rough, but she can do it.  There are lots of programs out there that will help her.

Answer 17

No, they won't

Babies don't want alot of money.  They want Mommy.

Answer 18

Brooke,

There's a girl in one of my classes and she had a baby in her senior year. She was also Homecoming Queen. She's in school and doing FANTASTIC. She's only 18, maybe 19.

No, it doesn't get easier, for most people. There's no such thing as an "open" adoption. Only 5% of AP's honor that request and it appears that they are all on Y!A.

If you're having doubts, wait until after the baby is born before you even talk to an adoption agency. They are paid very well for getting babies. They know what to say and how to say it. Let her have her baby and see how things shape up. You'll be surprised, things just tend to work out. Hold the baby. Alot can change between now and then. Single moms help other single moms.

I've been through the relinquishment of my daughter, "Lauren", which literally sucked the life out of me. Then I had my son, Sam, I had left my husband when I was pregnant. He wiped my accounts out and left me penniless. I made it without the help of any family.

Best wishes. Feel free to email.

Answer 19

I'm with Heather on this one

"No, they won't

Babies don't want alot of money. They want Mommy."

Answer 20

And from my own experience - I'm sure that this child will miss growing up with you and his/her mum.

Have you looked into ways to keep this child in the family?

I've just seen too many heart broken mothers and grandmothers to know that this will be a life long pain for you both.

Situations change - your daughter won't be young forever - money can be made - but sadly adoption is forever.

Be very aware that many adoptive parents and adoption agencies promise 'open' adoption - but truthfully - many close them down - down the track - even though - what is BEST for this child - is to know ALL of their family - personally.

That is what is better for the child's self worth and self identity.

'Open' adoptions though - are NOT enforceable - meaning you have no rights once the papers are signed.

Babies don't need loads of money - they just need love and someone to care for them with all of their heart and soul.

I do hope that you can find a way to keep this child in the family.

If not - I do wish that you will be able to have contact through the years.

This makes me cry.

I always wanted to know my bio family - I always missed them - and I only just found them - 35 years later.

Those years can never be returned.

Please do NOT allow others to try to make out that adoption is a better choice.

What is BEST for this child - is to grow up within the bio family - as long as no harm is present.

They also do not need two parents to care for them - my a-father died when I was under 1 - and I was brought up by a single mother. Situations change - there are no guarantees.

Adoption agencies make BIG dollars from finding babies for waiting couples. They DO NOT have the mother and child's best wishes in mind - in most cases.

They will tell you how wonderful it is - how selfless it is - to give up a child - but they don't tell you how much it will really hurt - or the effects on the child - from being taken away from their mother.

I have had life long rejection and self esteem issues from my own adoption - and have suffered depression throughout my life - and various times. Yes - I had a great adoptive family - but they couldn't make up for my losses.

I lost my mother, my father (they married just 6 months after my birth), my siblings (I have 3 full-blood sibs), my grandparents and extended family, my medical history, my heritage, people that look and act just like me, my truth, my being.

No - not all adoptees feel this way about being adopted - but I know way too many that do.

For resource help - check out the Origins website -

http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?page...

For blogs written by adoptees -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

For blogs written by relinquishing mothers -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

I wish you, your daughter and your grandchild all the very best in the world.

Answer 21

If it is something your daughter truly wants to do then you have no choice but, to accept that. I don't think the pain gets better at all. If not, it gets worse. Every birthday, holiday, or family event will leave you sitting and wondering what it would have been like.

If it is truly not something your daughter wants to do (example: because the financial situation is not great), then I suggest that you try everything in your willpower to make it work. Once the adoption papers are signed, then there is no going back. It is a life long decision.

Good luck!

carebear - If you think a few photos a year helps lessen the pain of losing a child through adoption then you are sadly mistaken. I am also in an "open" adoption with my 12 year old son. Every time I opened that envelope and saw his face, it only reminded me of what could have been had he stayed with me. Now the adoptive mother who was so excited about our "open" adoption has moved away without a forwarding address. I have yet to hear from her or see those photos I was promised for 2.5 years.

I heard this is quite common in "open" adoptions. You are promised the world while you are pregnant, kept sweet for a little while afterwards, until they ride off into the sunset never to be heard from again.

My only hope is that when he becomes an adult, he will want to contact me, and he will know that I never broke my end of the "bargain".

Answer 22

I could never imagine giving a child away.  It must be hard.  I actually adopted my son 3 years ago.  We did open adoption which allows the birthmother to visit, call, and check on the baby.  Our birthmother that we adopted from was also 15 and her mother was 38 and going through a divorce etc.  We live only 2 hours away from our sons birth grandmother. We visit her or she will visit us etc.  I think it is important to stay in contact with her, and have has much of his birth family available to us as possilbe.

I really hope things get better for you.

Answer 23

All I can tell you is that I was adopted as an infant and the sad feeling never went away for me.  Even though I have a great adoptive family, I felt it growing up, I feel it now.  It was, and still is, like a piece of me was missing.  Please do what you can to keep the baby in your family.  If you are having doubts now, imagine what if will feel like after the baby is born.  Don't worry about disapointing that couple who wants to adopt, they should expect that the mother could change her mind.  That is a risk they are taking.  

I recently received my non-identifying information from the adoption agency.  My first mother was 16 and her mother talked her into giving me up. They described her as not showing a lot of emotion about the whole thing.  That is until the day she was in court to sign the papers.  She broke down and refused to sign them.  Six weeks later they brought her back to court and the judge after talking to her, decided that she had matured enough in those six weeks to make a decision.  Did she really mature in six weeks or did her mother pressure her the whole time. I don't know because my records are closed and sealed and I have never met her.   I wish that I had a grandmother like you who wanted me.  Maybe I would have grown up happy on the inside.

Answer 24

I doubt they'll ever truly go away, you'll never forget. It would be great if you could find a way to keep the baby, but it really is your daughter's decision. I just want to say in response to these other posters who say "how unselfish it is for your daughter to give up her child for a better life..." that I disagree, not about her being unselfish(because she really is trying to do what is best for everybody with good intention), but about the "better" life. Most times those sayings come from the people who are trying to make the decision to let go easier. You seem supportive, caring, sad about pending loss, & most of all loving. Your daughter is worried the toll all this will take on the family, the responsibility, the financial burdens, her schooling, etc.., all normal concerns. I wouldn't view giving up for adoption as a way to a "better life," more of just a "different life." Okay so maybe they're a little more prepped to deal with it, but really life has surprises & can be blessings in disguise.

Your daughter may be only 15 now, but only in a matter of a few years she may be in a place where she feels regret. If she takes this on even just to see, she may find herself there sooner. With your love & support, anything's possible. "If there's a will there's a way" & it's not an easy road. Your daughter would have to grow up fast, but she would also be a stronger person. Adoption isn't a bad idea, just please talk to her & make sure she looks at her situation from every angle. Make sure she's doing it because it is what she really wants. The sadness will subside only a little, it will always be there to be triggered now & then by small reminders that pop up..  Take care. Best wishes to you & your family

Answer 25

Talk with the adoptive couple.  They may be willing to let you stay in contact with your grandchild.  If that is not possible, time does make it easier but you will always have a hole in your heart for the child.

(Me, mother who gave up a child.  My parents stayed in contact with the child I gave up until my mother passed away.  That helped my mom but she still missed sharing her grandchild with the rest of the family.)