Will you be so kind as to read my "Mutability" invention?

Question

All things that live.........All things that yearn and breathe

On earth for a brief hour..........Must pass to dust

They're transitive..........And they can but bequeathe --

Time will devour...........So give back all they must.

All that they love..........All they despise

Will kneel as one,........Will be the same --

And in the same dark pit.........Reconciled.

So late to start,..........Too soon to end.

Start what should have been done.......So long ago

When we were young.......When we were not so wise

As we are yet..........We turned and left to die

All things that live.........All things that yearn and breathe.

This is a Trigee and when read as a single poem it is additionally a Dorsimbra. I hope I have delighted someone, we have so little time...

Answer 1

don't quit your day job.  

Answer 2

As wonderful as that was--it was mutilated. I'm mean why can't we just read line per line. I understand it's all about saving space, or SOMETHING, but I've spent my whole life reading from my left to my right. Now I gotta stop half way, drop down a line, and repeat, until I get to the bottom, then jump back up to the top somewhere in the middle. And then, while the words are still soaking in I have to remember to go back to the top left hand side, again, and read it like I should have to begin with.

I'm just saying: I would have been a lot happier to have read it all the first time.

Trigee's should be short--three or four lines, one stanza that reads as three, not a perfectly good Dorsimbra cut in half. (Even with both sides making logical sense.)

I mean no disrespect with my thoughts, but they are my thoughts and that's all I was trying to share. Let Trigee's be Trigee's and Dorsimbra's be Dorsimbra's.

Alright I'm done rantin'. Let me have it.

Answer 3

You have delighted me!

I'm in awe of your talent....waiting for more.

Answer 4

This is so well written that it reminds me of a chiasma which is frequently used at the beginning and end of a chapter of scripture. The last few verses reminds the reader just what was said in the first few verses at the beginning for the chapter.

Answer 5

Well for starters,,,I was WRONG & do APOLOGIZE !!!,,

You've done a nice job And I did enjoy it,,,,,,

Answer 6

First of all, for Buk to call anything c**p should give us pause to ponder. After all, he's surely an expert on the subject as he writes so much of it himself.

That said, I'm on the horns of a dilemma here. Most of the other examples of this type of poetry I've read would confirm the relevance and validity of Mixtli's reservations. However, this is one of the better examples of its kind although, personally, I'm not a huge fan of the form. On the positive side, the meaning is clear whilst leaving just enough for the reader to think about.

To sum up, it's interesting...although I still prefer the one you wrote at 18. That was masterful.

Answer 7

Wonderfully done, especially with the length and dorsimbra thrown into the fray!  And the message is clear.  My compliments.  And next a quad with a double sonnet? lol

Answer 8

I'm really sorry that there were some narrow-minded respondants here. As for myself, I thought this trigee of combined forms was wonderful. You have delighted me ofcourse, and set me to thinking. I agree with you, we have so little time, and so much to satisfy ourselves. thank you again for fulfiling my wish, I really can't express my gratitude.

best of luck for you,

Rid

"In the fall of lives, my green leaf flew away" (English translation of my ghazal written in persian)