Will you comment on my novel? ?

Question

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Here's the first ...

http://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AjCZ6t.Jz68Dd0ac0WLY.zzg5gt.;_ylv=3?qid=20080823150301AAiLFQ7

Answer 1

Hey,

Ok, looks like you have no problem with actually producing or writing a story and it's still very intriguing and enjoyable to read along to. The problem therefore lies within your structure.

1) You need to go over what you've written so far and put in 'transfer scenes'. You are jumping from one thing to another and it isn't flowing naturally, I was getting a bit confused as to where I was in some parts or what had just taken place to end up in this situation.

2) The mixture of points of views is not working. I don't mind reading a novel that has a whole series of points of views from different character's but this only works if they are set into chapters as this clearly identifies to the reader whose thoughts you are experiencing. We can still get people's feelings and thoughts through Riley's point of view without switching. eg: Teaching was obviously her life as she paced up and down the small raised step on which she taught, but Riley knew that something was wrong as soon as her face changed from a studied frown to a frightening blank stare.

I noticed that you used 1st person a couple of times for the teacher and then moved back to 1st person for Riley. This was confusing.

3) I noticed that you also used first person for Riley's mom. Also, confusing. I would've liked to have seen more mystery surrounding the arrival of the flowers. Riley didn't seem to ask his mom questions and she didn't seem to have been flustered by their arrival or create any sort of false excuse as to who they could've been from? Like I said, this might have to be a transition scene I was talking about earlier. For the audience to realise that it's from her lover still in Riley's p.o.v will be hard to create, he can't overhear the conversation because you obviously don't want him to find out that soon. I don't know how you'll get around that one, sorry!

I hope that everything i've mentioned is helpful (but more importantly I hope it makes sense. I tend to write things down that make sense in my head but not actually on paper!)

Goodluck and I hope to see more of your story!

Zoe

Answer 2

Prety good, but im not a famous writer or anything, but id lose the part where jake cuts off jim's head and rapes his corpse...

=R3BEL=