Will you comment or critique this poem

Question

Sun stands still

I have come to hug this land

Greet with love, the roughing sand

With my painted veil of white

I'll play with subdued midday light

To caress my children's cheeks

I wish to stay a few more weeks

Yet they hide from me it seems

Throw burning salt, into my eyes

Stomp my skin, the coal does fry

Pierce my flesh, the sharpened sticks

Would I cry away from this

If they would only hear the winds

That do thrash behind the hills

Now taps the rain, and fills me dread

When it comes, I will be dead

I hope you get it is about coming and going of winter. Sigh, someone posted a suicide help number when I posted this poem last time. Is it really that difficult to understand it ?

Answer 1

i think it is really good, but it is kinda suicidal

Answer 2

Its far from the winter. Define it.

Answer 3

it was disturbing and moving... great job.

Answer 4

craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap

Answer 5

I really like it, it shows so much emotion and true passion, keep it up, I love it!!!

Answer 6

lol. just thought it was about loving diff things....not about winter.

Answer 7

i can kind of get it but wats with lines 8-10

Answer 8

No, I didn't think it was suicide.  At first I thought "fog" then snow...winter is perfect.  Well done.

Answer 9

It isn't difficult to understand once you explained perhaps a change in title would make it easier for people to know. I like it.

Answer 10

It started off incredibly strong; flowed beautifully, nice rhythm. Then it left its flow, rhythm, and pattern and started getting a bit sloppy. I, for one, would prefer to see consistent rhyme, and I think this poem deserves it. Metre doesn't matter so much as long as it retains its flow. I don't quite see how these lines fit:

"Throw burning salt, into my eyes

Stomp my skin, the coal does fry

Pierce my flesh, the sharpened sticks

Would I cry away from this"

They seem to have a different tone than the rest of the poem. I don't quite know how to explain it. It almost seems to shift from extroversion to introversion to extroversion again.

Answer 11

Some folks just don't understand excellent writing Grey!  Fabulous job.

Answer 12

Ok ,firstly I will only respond honestly as I know its best to get critiqued honestly so you can improve rather than falsely and live under false apprehensions .

Secondly you cant blame one from making the error of thinkin you could be suicidal....."pierce my flesh...i will be dead"does sound a little like languishing in everlasting torment.

I don't really think that you used language which made me feel you were expressing a sadness for lost season .From the 2nd half[the line yet they hide ..]I got more a feeling of a tale of heartache ,pain and a strong yearning.

Not for a season but possibly a cruel or unshared love .

It just seeemed very over emotional ,if only to express a season, as dread isn't how i feel when it rains .

I felt you grew the first half using a pretty use of imagery and a  nice light tone and once you hit that line you slapped me in the face with strong and unneccessary imagery.

Honestly I'd reccommend that you tone it down on 2nd half and just relax ....its best to write it in pieces and then [like a puzzle] put it together to express who you are .....life is like that ...good luck with any future poems

Answer 13

I thought you were dieing of cancer or somthing. lol If you didnt tell us that it was about winter I  would have thought poor mother is going to die before her time.  

Answer 14

it is wonderfully creative and disturbing. i originally thought you were an immigrant.