Will you consider my poem ?

Question

Okay it's a supermarket car park

but it's my tarmac field of dreams

and when it rains the sodium light

Gleams

The welcoming white lined box

for the area manager's visit

lays empty, guarded for Mr. Bissit

he has no time to spare

his jokes are rare

Why do blondes like BMW's

because they can spell it

we have to laugh

no, we have to laugh.

Inside in the dry bright store

All is peace, bogof's galore

no-one has left a shoulder of lamb

on the shelf for marmalade and jam

No-one has stolen just one egg

and left five and an empty seg

ment

in the box.

Answer 1

No offence but it's terrible.  It feels jerky. There is no smooth flow of words in the stanza's and it feels like you are just throwing anything in there as long as it rhymes.

Try again, but concentrate on the story of the poem more and less on the random word rhyming.

Answer 2

I love it. I can see the parking lot in your first stanza. I've felt like that in a parking lot before, when everyone's gone. Magical.

And the second stanza. awesome. I can feel Mr. Bissets personality in that stanza. Like he drops the joke while running yet another errand, exactly like you did in the poem. You really nailed this one.

And the last stanza. Such wondrous particulars to describe that everything is as it should be, and ending with the words "in the box" which of course brings the reader back the the parking lot, back to the beginning. What a great poem. You didn't waste a word.

Answer 3

It's kind of what I call a "switchy" poem. It seems as if it's switching from point to point. No offense, but it seems as if it was written by an eleven year old. Put some more feeling into it, and see what takes you from there.

Good luck! :)

Answer 4

UK answer.

I loved it vigilant, you're a star.