Will you critique my poem?

Question

Through the fog

I sit emotionless, numb to it all

Tired of life and ready to fall

Filled with thoughts of death and despair

Curiously wondering why anyone cares

I feel cold and dead then awake and alive

Day after day I continue to strive

Threading through life still unaware

Of the tragic life that continues to stare.

Of in the distance struggling to see

If life or death will ever be clear to me

Answer 1

It's okay, not the best, but it has potential.  It reminds me a lot of how I wrote in high school. The best advice I can give you (and yes, I'm actually a published poet :D) is to never be confined by what you think poetry should be, and just write what you feel inside. Rhyming is completely unnecessary and actually takes a lot AWAY from a poem, especially when it's supposed to be serious. So play with it a little bit, change the lines around, just mess with it until it feels right.

Answer 2

Threading through life still unaware

Of the tragic life that continues to stare.

Of in the distance struggling to see

If life or death will ever be clear to me

The last four lines are the weak part of your poem.  "Of the tragic life that continues to stare" is really lame.  The second "Of" doesn't make sense.  Should that read "Or"? I agree that the poetic rhythm is too strong--it detracts from what you are trying to say.

On another note, I would like to give you a hug.  I would also encourage to read Sylvia Plath's "Ariel".  

Answer 3

Great and a little depressing. But that's poetry!

Answer 4

It's really good...

dont get trapped within the poems, u got talent

Answer 5

Hi, i liked your poem even though i felt sad, keep writing whatever comes to mind no matter who likes it or not.  

Answer 6

that is really good. it has so much emotion and depth

Answer 7

Work on line 9, the beginning.   Good, but sad poem.