Will you give criticism to another poem of mine?

Question

Chicken Again?

By Semper Fi Reborn

He runs home from school,

In the clothes he wore for three days.

Washing them by hand each night,

Then hanging them on the clothesline hanging from the fire escape.

He feels the cool September air

Embracing him, soothingly,

Like an unseen mother.

Yet his mother is inside cooking dinner,

Humming a hymn from memory.

He is lost in the soul of her voice.

Rising ever so elegantly into that September night sky.

Causing the very angels to waltz in glory,

The fragrance of her cooking mingles with her love.

He loves her so much for doing the best she can,

But even that doesn't stop him from repeating his nightly

Exclamation.

When dinner is served by the hands of love,

He says chicken again?

His mother's eyes through their sadness,

Makes him humble again.

That's why he tells her she's the greatest!

Even though he will forever hate chicken.

Answer 1

This is wonderful, "angels to waltz in glory".  I can picture the whole scene in my mind.  Thanks for sharing this well written piece.

Answer 2

Nice effective piece of reflective prose. Sentiment eloquently expressed.

Answer 3

A tender and poignant reminiscence.  It always does my heart good to read about the genuine and righteous mothers who inhabit the worlds and minds of others.  I would have given all of my expensive clothing for a mother like that. You are a wonder and a master of poetry.  You always touch my heart.  Thank you.  

Answer 4

Very lovely semper! I love it so much. It is so touching...a wonderful expression of love...

"the very angels to waltz in glory" this line is so special...I can picture it in my mind...a charming spectrum it is.

Answer 5

Another heartfelt glimpse into the past.

Touching and beautiful. Thank you.

Answer 6

Frankly speaking, this is not your style.You used to draw (express) more feelings in less words. Its nice piece of prose; its your type of vivid imagery and humane touch, but still not your way of delivery.  

Answer 7

The imaging is vivid and provocative of memories in many of the readers, I'm sure.

It just impresses me more as a piece of prose rather than poetry.  But these days, the definition of poetry has become obscured.... not that I think poetry should be iambic nonsense, but there ought to be some stricter a "standard" to define it and differentiate it from other forms of writing.

In the meantime, it flows well, and describes a time and place very evocatively.

Have a poetic day.

Answer 8

It is a lovely poem, but,...

Then hanging them on the clothesline hanging from the fire escape.

Can one of the hangings be deleted?

"Then laying them on the clothesline hanging from the fire escape"

Or

"Then hanging them on the fire escape's clothesline"

I know I'm being picky, but 2 "Hanging" in one line is a bit clunky, (I think)

"He says chicken again?

I think, (my opinion),

         He says, "chicken again?"

reads better.

Your poem paints a lovely image of a Mom.

Oh, I hate bologna, everyday at school on wheat bread with mayonnaise.  Yuck!!

Answer 9

In the clothes he wore for three days.

Washing them by hand each night,

If he washed them each night he wouldn't have worn them for 3 days.

Other than that it's a good poem (b^_^)b

Answer 10

This is incredible. Great visuals, wording, ending, emotions. I can feel the deep content in this child despite the poverty, despite the chicken;"causing the very angels to waltz in glory"- what an image, juxtaposed against the commoness of his plight. Really beautiful poem.

Answer 11

I think your poem expresses a great sentiment. The thing is though it gets lost. IMHO the fewer the words the better in poetry.

Answer 12

Whipped peanut butter and jelly and the smell of government issue canned chili.....You dragged me back SF....A lesser writer would have fallen short...Uhh...Thanks!

Answer 13

Windows into our past...such a memory. The mothers love can be felt through your words and the child is alive to me..

..Mine? Oatmeal every morning....I will never eat oatmeal again..

Answer 14

Very Good Semper Fi.