Will you love that child?

Question

Im not looking to adopt just curious about adoption!!!

I think adoption is amazing but I do wonder how the adoptive parents know that they will love their new child, how can you be sure that you will bond with the child and give them everything they need, what if the child grows up to be a horrible person, would you still love them like they were your own (biologically) or would you disown them

I would really like answers from people who have been through this and not from people assuming what adoptive parents would feel

Answer 1

I was adopted when I was 2.  In normal adoptions, you have time to bond with the child.  It is said to be harder to adopt older children because they bond with you.  Older children also have gone through some type of trama.  I am looking into adoption.  But, I plan to do Foster care first.  It is easier and less expensive that way.  And you have time to see how that child will "fit" into your family.  I was also in Foster care from ages 9-15.  It was a very bad situation for me.  I never got hit, until I went into foster care.  And I would like to make the experience better for someone else.

Answer 2

I don't think that it is really all that different from having a biological child.  After all you never know what a new baby will bring.  The idea is still the same, you are falling in love with a complete stranger.  You have to hope instinct will take over and kick your heart into gear.  Once you begin to love a child, biology simply doesn't matter anymore.

Answer 3

My adoptive parents adopted me and my oldest brother, and had one son naturally.  There was no difference in the way they treated us, in how we all bonded, in how much they loved us or what they "gave us" as far as what we needed.

I was the "good" one, my brothers, not so much.  They partied, drank, did drugs, were into things that I wouldn't even go near.

Did my adoptive parents love my adopted brother any less than their natural son (who did the same things?)

No.  They loved them anyway, even though they were trouble makers.  We were all their kids, adopted or not, it didn't matter about biology.  

Maybe my parents were exceptional people; I don't know.  But there you go; one real-life example to show that adoptive parents can and do love their adopted kids just as much and just the same as their own biological child.

Answer 4

i was adopterd at 10 and they loved me just as much as there own my partner was adopterd at 2 as the same there

Answer 5

I adopted my children when they were 8 and 5. There are no guarantees as to bonding, and sometimes it doesn't happen, but in our case it did. It came slowly and gently over a period of time - but I can recall being very surprised at how quickly I became protective of them both.

As to them becoming 'horrible' people - as with children you give birth to, you take the rough with the smooth. Children need your love regardless.

I have watched my children growing into wonderful, special people - they just blow me away everyday.

Answer 6

I'm not an adoptive parent, but I am a long term foster mum to children who will most likely be placed under an enduring parental responsibility order (Australia's answer to adoption and MUCH better I have to say).

To answer your question, I think it's a huge myth that every adoptive/foster parent will immediately "fall in love" with their newly adopted child.

I feel an almost overwhelming sense of parental responsibility for each and every child that enters my care. I want and try to do my very best for each child.  I feel very maternal towards any child who, at least for the time being, needs a mother.  But I can't click my fingers and form an instant bond with a child.  That is one respect where parenting a non-biological child IS different to parenting a bio child.  Not bad, just different.

Bonding can and will only happen over time.  It's the every day things, like changing nappies, playtime, rocking a child to sleep, singing to them when they're sick, getting to know what their favourite foods are, learning how to read their favourite story just the way they like it, picking them up when they fall, hearing their anger or frustrations, talking and listening about how THEY feel about their lives, and allowing them to trust you in their own time.  

I didn't love my children as 'my own' instantly, but now they are my whole world, and I believe that I couldn't love any child more than I adore my children.

Would I disown them if they became 'bad' people?  No, because for me becoming a parent has taught me the true meaning of unconditional love.  I love my children for who they are.  I don't want to mould them, or shape their interests and talents to match mine.  I want them to grow into their own people, I want to see the unique habits and quirks that make them who they are.  Nothing my children could ever do would make them any less my children.  I would never condone bad behaviour,  but the thought of turning my back on my child makes me nauseous.

That's my opinion anyway, I hope that helps!

Answer 7

You said,  "what if the child grows up to be a horrible person,"

What does it matter if the child is adopted or not?  All people have the potential to grow up to be horrible people; would you stop loving your biological child if he or she committed a crime?  

It's not something that's inherent in adoptees, they are not "bad seeds".  What a horrible thing to say.  If that's your attitude, perhaps you'd better not adopt.

Answer 8

I am adopted and have 2 adopted children- a 19 year old son, and a daughter who will be 16 next week- and I can tell you I LOVE THEM- they are my own children.  I hope that I do not come across angry at questions like this, that is not my intention- however I have to say that not all biological children are loved-  I am married to a wonderful man,who had quite a horrible upbringing because his parents favored their other children over him- so being adopted is not the only children that may not feel loved.  However, our children wind up I will love them, because God placed them in our home, hearts and lives- I could never disown a precious gift.

Answer 9

i have never adopted so i hope you don't mind my answer i had a foster child for 2years and i loved him like he was my own there was nothing i wouldn't do for him that i would do for my own kids my hole family treated him as one of my own your going to be a great mum and love any child or you wouldn't have these worries because that's what a true mother does no matter were it comes from when i had this child i fostered i didn't feel like i had to birth him to love him he was just so Innocent there was nothing i wouldn't do for him kids are a true gift no matter how they come here good luck on the wonderful thing your about to do for the love of a child

Answer 10

Hi Kate,

Thank you for visiting this section and having a willingness to learn more about adoption.  You bring up questions that other prospective adoptive parents may have wondered too.  Because raising adopted children brings different challenges than raising biological ones, the first thing to know is that adoption is about more than meeting the needs of people who want a baby.  

A good adoptive parent will work on the questions that center around the child first.  Those questions that center on the parents will then take care of themselves.  For instance, What specific needs does the child have & how can we best meet them?  How can we help the child become happy & healthy?  How can we help him/her to give & to accept love from others?  How can we help him/her bond with others?  How can we help the child to grow up to be confident & secure in who they are?  How can we honor the person that he/she is and their heritage?  

Here are a few examples of how:

  

*  Always being honest with the child

*  Allowing love, knowledge & interaction from others including his/her natural family whenever possible

*  Creating a home where the child feels he/she can fit in

*  Allowing the child to develop into the person they were meant to be

*  Continuous research into adoption-related issues

*  Working to ensure equal rights for all adoptees

Prospective adoptive parents who are willing to do those things are well on their way to becoming prepared to being the best adoptive parents possible.

Hope that helps.  Thank you for asking.

julie j

reunited adoptee

EDIT:  Asking what if they turn out to be horrible children, should they still be loved or should they be disowned is like asking What if the adoptive parents turn out to be "horrible people," should the child still love them, or disown them?  Love for a child should be unconditional.  It is the parents who chose to make a commitment to a child.  Remember, no children come with guarantees, not even biological ones.  Much of the parenting experience depends on the parenting skills, regardless of how the child joined the family.