Will you please comment on this poem?

Question

Upside down. Christmas cake. Christmas cake.

Boy with the mustache, don’t be late. Don’t be late.

In the kitchen floor, talk is cheap. Talk is cheap.

In rolls the thunder, what a leap. What a leap.

Beauty is setting. Quarter moon. Quarter moon.

Summer’s almost over. Way too soon. Way too soon.

Our journey now begins. What to do? What to do?

There goes my heart. It follows you. It follows you.

Left alone to wonder. Is this the end of our song? Is this the end of our song?

Only time will tell. About you I can’t be wrong. About you I can’t be wrong.

Love is a mystery. Does anyone know the way? Does anyone know the way?

With you by my side, the path is clear and straight. The path is clear and straight.

It was not written by me, but a friend wrote it and I want to get other people's opinions on it. I want to know what you think about it and what you think it is about.

Thank you!

Answer 1

don't like sorry keep trying

Answer 2

well, i mean its good. i guess.

seems kind of... incoherent. and the christmas part doesnt make sense to me.

idk why, the repetition makes me laugh?

haha.

Answer 3

Ive seen better on here

in comparison with all the other poems on here i would give it about a 4 out of 10

all the others in the history of the world

a 1 out of 10

Answer 4

It lacks cohesiveness.  Would be better with a little wordsmithing to tighten it up and the last 4 lines lose the structure developed in the first part.  Have your friend keep at it, there is plenty of goodness to work with.

Answer 5

It's quite good.  It tells a story, which entices people to put themselves in the position of the character.  Try dividing it up to look more visually pleasing.  Also, when repeating lines, maybe change the words a bit, because some people get bored with repeating lines.  Other than that, it was an interesting poem.

Answer 6

It's Kinda Boring.But Good At The Same Time.

Answer 7

catchy rhythm.

Answer 8

One thing I would suggest is a title.  I don't have any suggestions, but, even if it's 'Untitled.'  Seeing as this poem moves a lot, I wouldn't suggest untitled, but it's not my poem.  I agree about the poem losing itself in the sixth line...In the least it should be separated into a new stanza; however, there's more problems than just that.  That is, the poem has this very original story up until that point, then it becomes a bit generic...keep this love poem strange and original as it started.  The last three lines need to be completely removed or strongly revised; they're far too abstracted from this particular interesting situation and unnecessarily generic philosophic...this poem has too much going for it to finish like that.  Definitely, as someone said early, break the rhythm on the last line, it will make for a great turn, not in substance, but in structure; which can be just as strong as a turn in substance, sometimes stronger if you can pair them correctly.  Finally, I assume your friend only uses end rhyme in their poems, I would suggest canning it here; not just because I don't typically like end rhyme in modern poetry, rather, it's a generic method for beginner poets lacking knowledge of structure for poems.  I'm not saying don't rhyme, just, see if you can write it without.  The repetition already has a rhythm.      All in all, tell your friend to work with the beginning and try to flow with that.

Answer 9

its pretty good but kinda out there

Answer 10

i personally liked it....except the Christmas cake part, i didn't get it...l felt like it didn't belong in there but everything else did

it sort of made me feel sad.

Answer 11

I like it  but i think it should be like this...

Upside down. Christmas cake.

Boy with the mustache, don’t be late.

In the kitchen floor, talk is cheap.

In rolls the thunder, what a leap.

Beauty is setting. Quarter moon.

Summer’s almost over. Way too soon.

Our journey now begins. What to do?

There goes my heart. It follows you.

Left alone to wonder. Is this the end of our song?

Only time will tell. About you I can’t be wrong.

Love is a mystery. Does anyone know the way?

With you by my side, the path is clear and straight.

Thats just my opinion... hope i helped?...

Answer 12

actually, i always read poems on here and they are ALWAYS completely unoriginal and stupid but for whatever reason, i liked this.........at least up until the 6th line, summer is setting, thats when it took a turn for the bleh.

upside down Christmas cake? seriously? thats neato.

Answer 13

it's really good. but i'm not a big fan of the repittition in the poem.

Answer 14

i tink its good