Will you please critique my skit for Playwright's School?

Question

“Old Folks Home” is TD Euwaite’s creative euphemism for a Nursing Facility

A Spider at the Old Folks Home: Tuesday with the “girls.”

by Elaine Polin

SETTING:

A table at McDonald’s

CHARACTERS:

Elaine (Driver/Volunteer)

Louise (Ambulatory Resident)

Virginia (Ambulatory Resident)

Virginia: Well, where’s Pavlov’s kitty?

Elaine: I didn’t bring him today.

Louise: Why not? Is he sick?

E: He’s fine, but my spider wanted to come.

L: & V: I HATE SPIDERS!

E: But this is a good spider.

V: I don’t care, they bite and kill you.

E: This spider doesn’t bite, it says poems

like the kitty. Here he is.

L: Yuuuk! Put him back in your bag.

V: Louise, he’s just a picture!

E: Do you want him to read a poem?

L: OKAY, BUT I WON’T LOOK!

V: Shhh! Everyone is looking at US!

L: (whispering) Okay, but I won’t look.

V: That’s better. Hurry up, Elaine, Bingo starts soon.

E: Okay, I’ll read just one. Here goes:

“Here I am

Up on Mars

With my pickles…

V: (interrupts) Up on Mars! We have a crazy guy like that.

He thinks he lives on the Moon…

Answer 1

Do you have any pickles left? My cousin Leroy Gene wants 'em.. He's never been to Mars; he hasn't even been to Spain, but he's been to Oklahoma.. he can moon with the best of 'em.

Nice read, this must be a good humor day.

Answer 2

This is simply wonderful. I'm laughing and wishing Louise and Virginia a better time with their spider. As for Pavlov's kitty, I'm expecting him any day.

Answer 3

I remember doing this in a playwrighting class years ago.  We had to record real conversations in public places.  What a fun exercise!  But this is a bit too short to critique and after all is only a recording of a real conversation.  You did manage to overhear a good one!  

Answer 4

Two great lines: bingo starts soon and he lives on the Moon!

A great read and sadly probably very truthful.  Well done.

Answer 5

The truth is usually funnier than fiction...but what is scarier is that I think I know these sweet ladies, and how can they be in two places at once?

Answer 6

I think I would really enjoy having lunch with you ladies one day, it sounds like a pure hoot.

Answer 7

When does it air?  I got popcorn!

Answer 8

...pretty funny id say!

Answer 9

I've heard many of these conversations, so I guess the scene would play as reality. Problem is these days I'm as likely to join Virginia on her tangent.  Say wasn't he that guy that just walked by?

Answer 10

U 'v shown intricate details in one shot, using such simple language. Any reader could easily visualize this conversation. Another thing I like about it is that, yet holding high morals,  this play is G rated. We R in need for such scripts, to remind those who has forgotten of high morals, and to enlighten those who R ignorant of (or unaware of) the necessity of their presence in our world.

It has also acquired an (acceptable) line of sense of humor, which helps a lot.

Elaine P : Go for it.. and good luck !  

Answer 11

I’m wondering why your setting with the women is not in a more impression setting. Maybe an elegant Coffee House or Café. Even though in a nursing home, I can easily see them as refined seniors. Suggestion not meant to be critical.  

Answer 12

If Semper brings the popcorn, I'll bring the drinks and

a song I wrote for the way:

We met through an ad in the local tribune.

Here we are in the silver lagoon.

At noon, in the month of June.

Underneath the silvery moon.

We can eat our soup with a fork, not a spoon.

When we kiss, then you'll swoon.

Feeling high as the planet Neptune.



We're happy to have found someone so attune.

We'll go on a honeymoon, on Mars or Cancun.

Maybe, even marry soon.

Then adopt, a big baby baboon.

So happy, that we met in June.

At noon, by the silver lagoon.

Underneath the silvery moon.

  

Answer 13

She's always trying to pin the tail on the donkey. Please tell her that "Old Folks Home" is an ordinary southern expression, You know, south, like Philly or DC...hehehe

Answer 14

We have a wonderful comedian over here called Peter Kay, I've just finished reading his biography.  As a lad he used to record his family and friend's conversations.  Now, his whole act is simply to tell his audience the daft things people say and do.  He is a great observer of people....as you obviously are, too.  They sound wonderful characters...(they sound like Reenie's bunnies! - especially the whispering bit)

You never know where things like this could lead...one moment, a skit....the next Death of a Salesman.

We call them Old Folks' Homes over here in GB too.

Answer 15

Louise and Virginia sound like an absolute joy!

And I'm sure you are excellent company for them, too!