Will you "judge" a portion of my book?

Question

It is just a few paragraphs and i need opinions, please help me and be truthful.

It’s Friday and I’m in acting class with William. William is abnormally sweet, sensitive, and romantic. William is my best-friend of two years, and not my boyfriend. My boyfriend is stupid, insensitive, rude Peter. He doesn’t open doors for me like William does, or helps me with my homework like William, or does anything like William. I can’t wait for tonight. You see on Friday nights William and I go to dinner and a movie like we have for two years, and for that short amount of time it’s like he’s my boyfriend and not Peter.

“Vanessa? Vanessa honey, the bell rang.” My heart stops, its William talking to me.

“What did you say? I didn’t catch it.”, I stammer, his voice is sweet and deep.

“I said the bell rang and if you don’t hurry up we will be late for Government, and you know how Mr. Urie gets when we are late. Hustle girl! Come on.” I pick up my things and we head out of the theater and walk down the hall to Government. “So Nessa we still on for tonight?”

Like he has to ask, “Of course, unless your cancelling on Me.”, I wince at the very thought.

“Of course not sweets, I would never cancel on you. I’ll pick you up at 6:45 and we will head to the Mills. What movie do you want to see?”

I ponder that thought for a moment, "That one movie about that girl that does that thing…” I know I was being vague but he would figure it out. He knows me better than myself.

“Oh yeah, that one; she’s a rebel at a private school? Ok and I get to pick the restaurant so how bout Johnny Rockets? It’s right outside the theater.” The bell rings so I nod my head and focus on the teacher.

The forty-eight minutes of class passed to slowly for my liking, but it was over now. I walk to my locker and pack my back pack. It is hard to imagine that as a freshman I couldn’t find time to go to my locker. I pull one of the straps on to my back when suddenly my back pack is lifted away. I smile, it’s William. “Do you really think I’m going to let my best-friend break her back with this thing?”, as he is talking he slides my back pack onto the shoulder not occupied by his. “Ok honey lets go.” We walk to William’s car, it is a 2008 Vector Avtech WX8, and every time I see it I am amazed, and the speed! Oh the speed! When he first started driving me, he went the speed limit and as he grew to trust me he would go faster. Now he drives as fast as he thinks acceptable at the moment. It’s funny when he goes less that 100MPH he complains he is going to slow, I would too if my car went over 200 MPH. That is if I had a car.

“William? How fast is acceptable today? I have a need for speed! I am thinking 150 as the slowest.”

“Nessa honey, I would do it just to please you but it’s snowing. I will not go over 50MPH when it’s snowing. And trust me; it tortures me as much, if not more, as it does you. But the forecast says it won’t be snowing tonight and I will drive fast t if it doesn’t stick or make the roads slick ok?”

“Ok fine, but if you break your promise I will cry.”

“No fair! You know I can’t resist if you cry. You don’t fight fair!” We laughed at the same time, and William pulled out of the school parking lot. As I flip through the stations on the radio William looks deep in thought. I wonder what he’s thinking about. I turn on Z107.7 my second favorite station. Fall Out Boy’s new song just began, so I crank it up and we sing along.

The 5 minute drive to my house (only when William went 50 MPH I might add) seemed to be shorter than usual. I get out of the car but William doesn’t, “Are you coming in to study, or do I have to fend for myself tonight?” I really hoped we would help me, I didn’t understand anything in English.

“I don’t know...I don’t much feel like studying. Maybe you should fend for yourself…” he trailed off and I knew he was kidding but I played it up.

“Do I have to beg? Cause I will beg at your feet.” And to prove my point I got on my knees on the cold sidewalk. “Please oh please oh please! Help me oh smart one! I am an idiot, I can’t think without you.” By now William and I where both laughing so much we started to cry, which only made us laugh more.

“Ok fine I’ll help you, but I get to stay for dinner. It’s either that, or no deal. What do you say?”

“I don’t know…Wait you big stupid we are going out for dinner!” As I said that I threw a small rock at him. As usual William laughed it off and went inside followed by me. It’s funny my back pack was so heavy, but he carried two without problem. Either I’m weak, or his shirts conceal his muscles true size. Just thinking about seeing his muscles made me dizzy. I tripped and almost fell but I caught myself. William headed to the living room to unpack our bags so I went to the kitchen. I grabbed two glasses and filled them half-way with crushed ice and then with Dr. Pepper. On my way to the living room I grabbed two snack sized bags of Cheetos and turne

Answer 1

Well I think you are tageting a female audience.... Sounds like it should be a screenplay more then a book. Also your righting style is good but a little too soft for my taste. May try making it a bit more gritty.  

Answer 2

Don´t let yourself be put off.

I think you have the basis for a good story here, maybe even a teen movie. It just needs a little work. (Although writing is never a "little" work. It's always a LOT of work!)

Here's what I would suggest for starters:

Understand that stories have a beginning, a middle and an end, and plan everything out before you write any more.

Get into the heads of your characters and really understand who they are - their personalities, strengths and weaknesses, quirks; and develop those personalities as you go along.

You say that "William is abnormally sweet, sensitive, and romantic" but he seems to be somewhat secretive as well. He's no wimp - he has muscles, drives a 200 mph car and is smart. But "sweet"? Even "abnormally sweet"? He's hiding something! What is it?

His secret is what your story is all about. It's probably a "good" secret - he doesn't have to turn out to be a gangster.  But figure it out, and let your heroine slowly discover what it is as the story goes along.

Bring him into conflict with Peter, who also discovers what it is, and threatens to interfere. Resolve the conflict, and head towards your happy ending.

Your punctuation and paragraph lengths need some work, but don't worry about that for now. Just get the script written while it's hot in your mind. If you get a really good story onto paper, you can tidy it up later.

Keep going - and good luck!

Answer 3

I couldn't get past the first paragraph.  Sorry.

Why?

Because the protagonist is one of those girls I want to strangle just for their sheer stupidity.  

No offense, I don't mean you personally.

Answer 4

You need to make the story more interesting. The characters are very one-sided and the girl is shallow. I mean no offense to you personally, of course. There should be more exciting things going on.