Will you rate/critique my song for my fiancee?

Question

I wrote this song for my fiancee (I'm an aspiring writer)

Do you think it's good? Will she like it?

Havn't thought of a name, any Ideas?

Note: The "..."s and the "M-make" is all aded to show you how it is sung.

And there is a story behind it however, I will admit to adding something that may not relate, just for spice it up abit. Either way, please give me some advice, harsh advice, anything to make it better.

Much appreciated.

The sun comes out just to see your face

The moon: to illuminate your grace

The wind: to take my breath away

Because you..

M-Make it that way

I found my way into your heart

I fell real hard

I can't get up

I'm trying oh so hard..

But it all just falls apart

It's 4 AM I can't stay still

I toss and turn against my will

Knowing that you're so far

Far away from..

Me

These sleepless nights that last 'til dawn

Haunt me with images of when you're gone

And all the pain I cannot face

When I think that someone may take my..

Place

My Heart slows down

And then speeds up

You're like a drug

I can't give up

My life, all it does is change

Each new day, a different place..

I cry myself asleep

I cry myself.. awake

This fight has lasted three long days

The things you said, you cannot change

It hurts...

It stings..

I found my way into your heart

I fell real hard

I can't get up

I'm trying oh so hard..

But it all just falls apart

I fell so hard I hit my head

Laying here, I'm almost dead

Looking up at you...

Looking down at me

I won't close my eyes

I won't give up

I'll lay right here,

I'll lay with you

I'm not alone,

I know it's true

You lay with me

I feel your heart

I hear it's cry

I know it's hurt

So let me ease the pain,

let me ease the pain

..tonight

Answer 1

For some "harsh" criticism, your rhyming schemes are a little vanilla.

"..see your FACE. illuminate the GRACE" and at one part you rhyme "hard" with "hard". it's like saying, "lets go down to the BAY. we'll go PLAY and eat some HAY."

-my 2 cents

Answer 2

i like the part about the drug... its a good simile.

It would be easier to criticize if i knew how the rhythm or beat went... i sang it in my head to Jordan Sparks and Chris Browns song No air but in some spots it didn't work out to well i don't think... i didn't like the first paragraph too muh however... sounds a bit like you were trying to push a song out of ya too fast and it doesn't really seem to mtach the rest of the song too well... And your chorus doesn't really seem strong enough... The versus seem kinda stronger and it should be the other way around... I'm not saying to change the versus thought, i'm just saying to change the chorus a bit to make it stronger and more powerful I guess...anyway good luck :) I'll give it a 7/10

Answer 3

well it's sad but pretty. are you fighting?