Will you review my admissions essay? ?

Question

I read it out loud to my doctor today and he seemed to like it so here goes and you might say that you have to be honest but I can assure you that I am being honest, this essay decides my enrollment to a nice University

Everyone has the ability to shape their own future. Wether is is their own future they are shaping or following in the steps of another they have to make decisions that best benefits them. At the young age of 14 I choose to drift away from the life my father lead and started my own legacy.

I was just five years old when my parents divorced, and fortunately my mother received full custody of my siblings and I. My father was allowed to visit us only with my mother's written permission. It was when my parents divorced that I learned the true life that my father leads. My father is an avid liar, an excessive drinker and gambler, he even framed his own father just to save himself from imprisonment.

Sadly I looked up to the examples he gave me and I somewhat I followed his footsteps by purposely failing school and disrespecting my elders. It wasn't until my first day of High School in this great state of Colorado that I finally realized the great truths of success. I finally realized that you cannot succeed without an education and nor can you succeed without listening and respecting the people around you.

Since that day I have completely turned my life around. From catching up to my academic studies to enrolling at Pueblo Community College at the age of 16 to establishing my own small business in the second quarter at the age of 15. I have been trying to reach my full potential in hopes of reaching my dream of becoming an educated Latino and becoming the first of my family to earn a College Education.

Not Only do I want to fulfill my dream of earning a college education for my own benefit but I also want to earn a College Education to set a good example to my younger Brother and Sister and show them that anyone can reach their dreams

Answer 1

I'd like more specifics about what you have done (specifically, why you took classes at PCC when you were 16 and what your small business was). I'd also like to know what made you change your life or realize that you couldn't follow in your father's footsteps. Your last two paragraphs are very generic and don't have anything specific about what you hope to accomplish, beyond getting an education. I'd put something in about what, specifically, you plan to become and what your dreams are. The more specific you are, the most likely an admissions counselor is to see you as an individual and not just another random person they can say no to.

I'd reorder the paragraphs and start with the second one instead of the one you already have (it seems to jump back in time). Then also eliminate the redundancies. For example, take out "this great state of Colorado" and fix the grammar (there are several spelling errors and grammatical errors). There should be no grammatical or spelling errors in an essay like this. I assume this is a rough draft, so you have time to work on that.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Ok, first fix your spelling and capitalization mistakes.  

Second, the second sentence in the first paragraph just repeats what you stated in the first sentence and then builds on it - why not just combine the two sentences.  Drift away is weak and colloquial - use strong verbs like avoid, abandon in, etc.  Take out the useless words like just, only that pepper your essay.  

Third sentence of your second paragraph should start with "When my parents..." not "It was when..." and then "...true life that my father leads" can be condensed to "the truth of my father's life."  Fourth sentence of second paragraph should be "...avid liar and an excessive drinker and gambler who framed his own...".  

First sentence third paragraph needs a comma after Sadly and purposely should be a stronger, more descriptive word like deliberately.  Second and third sentences of third paragraph, don't overuse finally.  Third sentence of third paragraph don't need and nor --> just use nor.  

Second sentence fourth paragraph, it's "catching up on" not "catching up to".  Also this same sentence is a fragment --> try saying "I have caught up on...".  Third sentence fourth paragraph, "in hopes of" needs to come out and rephrase "I have been striving to reach my full potential in order to reach my dream of..."

Add the last sentence of essay to the fourth paragraph and rephrase it to "In addition to reaching my goals, I want to set a good example for my younger brother and sister by showing them that every person can achieve their dreams."

I wasn't trying to be harsh, but I review college writing all the time and I was trying to help you stand out from the crowd.  You have a good start - just improve the strength of the verbs and make a few edits and you will have a really great essay.

Answer 3

Its pretty good but there are some mistakes with grammar and what not. I would proofread it again. (Specifically proper nouns)

Answer 4

I didn't finish the first paragraph-- there were a couple of spelling errors.. you might want to fix those. But since you included things about adversity, and how you overcame struggle,  I think its a great essay. People like sad stories with happy endings- especially college admissions.