Will you tell me some long funny jokes?

Question

I've googled a lot of jokes, it is hard to find good ones.

Answer 1

I have a whole database of jokes on my site at http://www.nickstopfive.com

Answer 2

A Cop and a Penguin

A man walks down a street and comes across a penguin. He takes the penguin and finds the first cop he sees on the street. He gives the penguin to the cop and says, "I found this penguin on the street, please take care of him."

Cop: "Well, what am I supposed to do with a penguin?"

Man: "I don't know, take him to the zoo."

So the man goes home and the next day as he is walking on the street, to his disbelief he sees the same cop walking down the street with the penguin.

Man: "What are you doing? Didn't I tell you to take him to the zoo?"

Cop: "Yeah, I took him to the zoo yesterday. Today we are going to the cinema."

Answer 3

There were three men taking there lunch break. The first guy goes 'man if I get chicken again for lunch I'm going to jump off this building.' The second guy says the same thing 'man if I get chili again I'm going to jump off this building.' The third guy says the same thing 'man if i get beef stew one more time i'm going to jump off too.'

The next day the first guy opens his lunch box and see's chicken and jumps off the building.

The second guy looks in his lunch box and and see's chili so he jumps off too.

The third guy finds beef stew in his lunch box and jumps off too.

At their funerals the first and second wife were crying and saying they would have changed the food if they had only asked. They turned to look at the third wife and she said ' Don't look at me he makes his own lunch.'  

Answer 4

posh toilet

Two mates were reminiscing about the party they'd been at the week before..

"Great party that, last week, wasn't it?"

"Wow, yes, great food, great booze, great girls...and a posh house to boot."

"Posh house?? it was a suburban semi?"

"Never....they had a gold-plated toilet?"

"What?, I can't remember that, you must have been drunk."

"No, honestly, I remember thinking...'posh!' "

The argument went backwards and forwards...yes, no, yes, no.

Finally they decided to prove once and for all who was correct....they looked up the address and went to the house.

A woman came to the door and one of the men said..."Excuse me, we were at your party last weekend and we're having a difference of opinion, tell us please...have you, or have you not, got a gold-plated toilet? My mate here says 'yes' but I disagree."

The woman turned round and shouted to her husband...

"George....I've found the b*****d that crapped in your trombone!"

Answer 5

HII



#Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was g*y, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"  

#From A Mother With Love

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.  

#Funny Jokes > Yo Mama Jokes

Yo Mama Joke

So Fat

Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"

Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out.

Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!

Yo mamma's so fat, she has her own zip code!

Yo mamma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side.

Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!

Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade!

Yo mamma's so fat, she invented the lowrider!

Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.

Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.

Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued."

Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling "taxi!"

Yo mamma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.

Yo mamma's so fat, when she got lost (amazingly) they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.

A guy gets pulled over at night by some dirty cops on his way back home from Vegas.

The cops claim he was drunk, although he wasn't.

He tells the cop, 'C'mon man, I’m not drunk. Ask me anything a sober person could answer.'

The cop says, fine, you look down the road and see 2 bright lights coming your way, what is it?

Easy, says the guy, it’s a car.

The cop asks, was is a BMW, a Mercedes, a Lexus?

Confused the guy shrugs and says he doesn’t know.

The cop takes him by the arm and says, you’re drunk, c’mon, you’re going to jail.

No no no no! the guy says, that’s not fair, ask me another question.

Fine, says the cop, since I’m in a good mood. You look down the road and see ONE bright light coming toward you, what is it?

It’s a motorcycle!

Yeah but what is it, is it a Ducati, a Triumph, or a Harley?

The dude starts getting angry, I don’t know man.

The cop starts pulling him toward the car.

Hold on hold on, I got one for you, says the guy to the cop.

#A guy gets pulled over at night by some dirty cops on his way back home from Vegas.

The cops claim he was drunk, although he wasn't.

He tells the cop, 'C'mon man, I’m not drunk. Ask me anything a sober person could answer.'

The cop says, fine, you look down the road and see 2 bright lights coming your way, what is it?

Easy, says the guy, it’s a car.

The cop asks, was is a BMW, a Mercedes, a Lexus?

Confused the guy shrugs and says he doesn’t know.

The cop takes him by the arm and says, you’re drunk, c’mon, you’re going to jail.

No no no no! the guy says, that’s not fair, ask me another question.

Fine, says the cop, since I’m in a good mood. You look down the road and see ONE bright light coming toward you, what is it?

It’s a motorcycle!

Yeah but what is it, is it a Ducati, a Triumph, or a Harley?

The dude starts getting angry, I don’t know man.

The cop starts pulling him toward the car.

Hold on hold on, I got one for you, says the guy to the cop.

You see a woman dressed in a tiny leather skirt, with way too much make up, smoking on the corner. Who is she?

The cop laughs, easy, a hooker.

To which the guy replies, yeah, but is it your wife, your mother, or your sister?



HOPE I HELPED

XOXOX

Answer 6

Long Hair

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if

they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Answer 7

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,

'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.

You could run this over to your riends but why not just e-mail it to them!

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Answer 8

A girl came skipping home from school one day. 'Mommy, Mommy!' she yelled, 'We were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to ten. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! See?'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?'

'Yes, it's because you're blonde.'

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. 'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only go to D, but I went all the way to G. A, B, C, D, E, F, G! See?'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?'

'Yes, it's because you're blonde.'

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. 'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!' And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

'Very good,' said her embarrassed mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?'

'No, Honey, it's because you're 24.'

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REPLACEMENT WINDOWS>

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the

work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am

automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy

had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for

themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only

silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never

called back. Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an

idiot.

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The Buttocks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was

Overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,

'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'