Will you women answer a question that my wife won't answer directly?

Question

Its a tough Q, so take your time.

Lets suppose you have a daughter and she is experincing problems in balancing her lifestyle/work with family responsibilities, when/would you step in so to speak, not to invade on what she calls her personnal space, but rather to advise.

Now then I find myself biting my lip, especially after recent developments. Should my wife and I leave her to make her own mistakes as we were or should I put myself in the middle as a peacemaker?

Answer 1

I'd say it's best not to be real medalling although, let her know whenever she needs the support you and your wife will be there for her, it will take preasure off her if you told her that.

Good luck.

Answer 2

It depends on how old she is. If she's under 18, then I say definately step in. If not, well I think you should still advise her, but don't get into the middle of it. If you can't possibly seem to do anything with her, the only thing you can do is to leave her to make her own mistakes and hope it turns out well. I wish you luck!

Answer 3

I'm assuming your daughter is an adult, so I'll answer that way.  If her actions are only affecting her, or her adult spouse/partner, I would bite my tongue.  If her actions are affecting her children, I would do what ever I could to protect them.

Answer 4

Do not take sides with either your wife or daughter against the other should there be a family row!Whatever you do will turn out to be the wrong thing in that situation..and the same applies to taking sides with either your daughter or her partner. All that you can do is to notice perhaps that she is looking a little frazzled or sounds upset..and ask if there is anything she needs help or advice about. if not..and she will probably say there is not, back off at once and just mention that she knows where you and her mothr live if she does want to talk about anything.

You said it yourself, we were left to work things out for ourselves and, let's face it, for the most part we did so.you are still married and so am I and we both feel that we have learned enough about how things work to have useful advice to give if only our children will take it. Give your daughter the benefit of the doubt and hope that she will work things out as well..or that she will have the sense to ask for any help she really needs.

Answer 5

Mum's don't like to sometimes to get involved in their daughters matters, dads sometimes need they have to. It may be because daughters have a special bond with their dads. I know i do. Talk to her and tell her your concerns, let her have her say. I bet she loves you and would appreciate your concern. Be patient, that is the best bet and let her know you love her. I hope this helps.

Answer 6

You can always give advice, but don't be hurt if she doesn't take it. Many of us have to learn the hard way and stumble through some stuff just to learn how to appreciate and handle lifestyle, work and family responsibilities.

If her mistakes don't really involve you then you shouldn't intervene without your daughter's OK. I know you only want the best for her, but speaking as a daughter to a very loving father - sometimes we have to stumble before we succeed.

Answer 7

Ask if there is any way you can help.    But don't offer advice- I'm sure she has gotten plenty of that.

Answer 8

Talk to her with your wife or privately and let her know you are aware she has some problems and if she wants to talk or help to let you know. Don't take sides.

Answer 9

I hate being given advice when I don't ask for it. It's so annoying

Answer 10

"You only regret things you don't do"

If what she's doing offends you, or you think you've brought her up better, step the f*** in & say so

ps for 'invading personal space' read 'No decent answer available'

She'll still be your little girl at 60..

Answer 11

My advice would be to offer her your opinion/advice ONCE only, and then leave it at that, with the express concern that you are there to come to if she needs more advice.

Then say no more about it.

If she comes to you and takes on board what you are saying then by all means help her ...

But if she mentions no more about it and tries to carry on regardless then there is nothing you can do. You have tried your best, but you cannot force her to take your advice, and you must let her get on with it.

Hope this helps.

Answer 12

You can call and offer support, and if she needs you, she will ask. We all need to find our own way at times.

Answer 13

Under 18, then yes step in. Legally, she is still under your care. Over that, try to stay out of the middle of it especially if she has indicated she wants to be left alone, you can still give advice, but get too involved she'll blame you for meddling. At some point we need to learn from our own mistakes, we can't be sheltered forever.

Answer 14

knowing nothing of your daughter...your relationship with her...or her situation.

You use the wording "what she calls her personal space"  which says to me...your daughter has already given you the answer to this question.  Stay out.  Bite your lip.  Your daughter doesn't want your advise.

Answer 15

Be the peacemaker, try and save her a little heartache :)

If the advice is not well received at least you have tried to help and nothing more can be done she will have to learn the hard way, though i know if my parents had intervened when they saw me doing this i would not take it well (bearing in mind i have a temper) but when all goes pear shape i will see they were trying to help me and appreciate it more, either way i say you give advice before it gets too bad.

Answer 16

leave her be.  but just tell her you will be there for her if she needs to talk .

Answer 17

Just ask her if there is any thing you can help her with. At least it will show you still care, maybe she scared to ask for.  help or advice. I know my daughter was till i asked her.

Answer 18

She won't want you to meddle unless she explicitly asks for your help.

Answer 19

Help where you can, you know it's always good if you can disguise your assistance ( help without them knowing your helping).  It's always better that people think something is their own idea they are far more likely to act.  You could look at your dilema from a different perspective and ask yourself, How can i get my daughter to come to the oppinion of her own accord that she needs help.  How can i help my daughter feel confident that i will help and support her in a way that she can cope with.  People do need to make their own mistakes but there is a difference between a near miss and a train wreck - there are always degrees in life and we need to respond accordingly. good luck

Answer 20

Hi, I think you should let her know that whenever she want's your advise or help, then she only has to ask. That way she can come to you when she really needs it, and you don't get accused of interfering. In life in general, I think we have to make mistakes to learn from them. good luck.

Answer 21

If she comes to you looking for advice well go ahead otherwise stay quiet until asked or risk 'interfering' tricky one this, try sitting on the fence for now anyway.

Answer 22

my mother only gives me advise when i ask for it.

i suggest you do the same. any thing else will be considered meddling. (if she's under 18 it's your job to steer her in the right direction, but after that it's her job)

now, if you have CONSTRUCTIVE things for her, ie a cheap maid or something of that matter (not sure what your daughters problems are), then you could mention that, but leave the all around advise for when it's requested.

Answer 23

I'm going to have to make some assumptions here as you have only give limited facts .

The phrase that stands ou to me is ' what SHE calls her personal space ' This would indicate that she felt the need to say that phrase in the past . I n other words she has told you to stay clear once before!

When you say mistakes are they mistakes maybe just to you or would they be considered mistakes by most people?

This is going to sound daft but the role of an intermediary might be laudable, but maybe it shouldn't be you ?

I think if you do decide to go ahead ( think I prob would) you need to very very canny about the intro into your concerns and how you word things . Basically you need to make sure she feels like she has change for the bus home......

Gawd what a nightmare...........And if Mrs LB ain't answering you directly it means she isn't sure so don't assume ! It'll end up with just you in the bad books then and no-one else!

Answer 24

If your daughter is struggling, I would not offer as much advice as I would offer support. Unsolicited advice often causes conflict. If she comes to you for advice, then give your ideas without forcing your opinion on her.

Answer 25

possible

Answer 26

It does depend on age, but given that she's working I guess she's fairly independent. As a Dad the best thing you can do is be there for her. I talk to my parents regularly on the phone and I don't think they ever overtly give me advise but when things aren't going well it's good to have someone to talk to. Make sure your daughter knows you are there for her when she needs you no matter what happens.

Answer 27

I think you should let her make her own mistakes, that's the only way to learn.

Answer 28

Don't take sides but do let your daughter know that she can come to either one of you for advice not judgement!  Good luck

Answer 29

Middle of what? Peacemaker?

You haven't really explained what's going on.

It's tricky to give adults advice. What's more effective is to get the person talking about what's going on, and listen to everything they have to say, and only after that, make any suggestions that still makes sense, given what you've heard.

But best is when the person sees the solution for themselves -- this is most likely to happen when they're allowed to just talk their way through it.

If you could get your wife to rethink, if I'm reading this right, and she's trying to tell her what to do, and let her work it out.

Whatever solution she fixes on will be hers, needs to be hers.

Although to others it may seem clear that she should this or that, that may not be best for her.

Helping her think it through and figure it out is the best, and only thing, really, others can do.

Telling her how to fix it just makes her dig in.