With adoption, does the apple fall far from the tree?

Question

I often hear that 'birth' mothers are 'trash', 'whores', 'crackheads', 'meth addicts', 'IV needle users', 'criminals', 'abusive', etc.

And we've all heard here, and elsewhere, that kids given up for adoption usually share most interests, traits, and health issues with their biological families.

So, if these kids are related to these 'birth' mothers, reason would follow that they will 'turn out' similarly to their mothers, right?

Or do most adoptive parents believe nurture/environmental trumps nature/biology?

Can adoptive parenting 'make up' for possibility of 'bad genes'?

Answer 1

I think you have a point but you are somewhat misguided as well as prejudiced against birth families. First of all you must know that you are making a huge generalization to say that so many birth families are addicts or abusive or criminals. And even if you believe strongly in genetics (which I do) it is a lot to say that being a criminal is inherited. My child who was adopted is from a family without any of the traits you speak of. He is growing up with love and trust. There is alcoholism in his birth family (not in mine) so I am aware that it is necessary to keep this tendency in mind.

I general, I also think that "bad genes" (as you refer to them) can absolutely be "made up for" by good parenting. Even though I do believe strongly in genetics, I think it would be incredibly pessimistic (and misinformed and wrong) to assume that children born from criminals will grow up to be criminals.

Answer 2

Tough Question.  I believe that children do share genetic personality traits with their first family.  However, the things you refer to (being trash, criminals, abusive, etc.) are behaviors.  I am a firm believer that children learn what they live.  Being a drug user or a w***e is not genetic, it is learned behavior.

Answer 3

It hasn't been the case with me.  There is some alcoholism on both sides of my bio family.  But my amom also comes from a long line of alcohol abusers.  It never affected me.  Knock wood.

I'm such a goodie two-shoes, I never even smoked.

The only thing I'm addicted to is coffee...and I can quit anytime I want.

Answer 4

I'm a firm believer in the  gene pool. That does not mean it strikes every offspring. I am a carbon copy of my dad. Rachael got it from both sides. I have two brothers, 1 managed to escape the addictive personality trait the other did not.

I'm not really sure that abuse isn't hereditary. Seems to have repeated itself in my family. Although I will say that because of mass attention drawn to these traits being defective gene's and the fact that all of my family has been married more than twice, it is possible that some have seen these tendencies in themselves and dealt with them accordingly. Rachael's bfather has addictive genes in his family as well. It seems to have affected more siblings in his family but he has more siblings in his family than I do.

Answer 5

I'd love to answer this but there is no "bad blood" in my body. I somehow doubt there is much "bad blood" out there.

For me the apple stayed right where it should have, beside the tree. I may not have been raised by her but my Mom is my Mom in every sense. I look, talk, act, think, walk and laugh exactly like her and I am very proud of that. I would much rather be like her than like my a-parents. Not that there is anything wrong with my a-parents but I want to be who I was suppose to be, not who someone else wanted me to be.

Answer 6

Well, if we went on the case of my brother, then no. He fell completely far and away from the tree of his birth mother and father. His mother gave him up b/c she was struggling as a teenager, after ebing kicked out of her home, and his dad was - is - from the wrong side of the tracks who tried to kill my brothers bio mom while she was pregnant, and wanted nothing to do with the child, and ugh, a whole lot of stuff.

My parents love my brother to death, and he did extremely well for himself. He graduated law school, has just gotten engaged, and on his own accord went to visit his birth mother who was shocked / scared / happy all at once to see him, and started to cry that he did so well. He tried to visit his father who merely slammed the door in his face, saying he had a son and wished him dead. He has the same bio issues as his mother, which was getting type 2 diabetes as a teenager, but that is genetics, and he messes around saying he got it from our mom (she is also type 2)

You never know, I have friends who are adopted, and they are exactly like their adopted parents. I don't believe it is necissarily fair about the birth mothers getting bad raps more than half the time, you know? You never know how a child will grow to be, which is in itself amazing - and scary all at once.

My parents believed, hoped, and prayed that their son would grow into a man of respect. They got it, they raised him since he was 4 yrs old, and my brother showed me alot growing up as well. He is well rounded, and though we aren't bio siblings (I was the surprise a few years after him, since my parents were told they couldnt concieve) we are in every sense of the term. It's funny cause people never think we are not biologically related, we are so similar it's scary. Same humor, laugh, outlook in life.

So, I do believe that adoptive parents can .. 'make up' for 'bad genes' after all, he came from a father of serious issues, and is the complete and utter opposite. His mother is a woman who is strong, and went through alot of pain to give up her child so he could do better, especially after that time bonding with him, I couldn't even imagine what that was like.

Answer 7

Well my mother was not abusive, she had mental health problems and social welfare forced her to give me up.

I have had depression and anxiety issues which may be related to my genetics, but I think the knowledge of my mother has made me stronger and more aware of my own needs and what my limits are.  

I'm not sure that being in a more stable environment helped reduce the problems I have had or not. If I had been brought up with a mentally unstable mother I may have been more prone to more serious mental health issues.

I know I've had seperate issues due to being adopted, like grief, identity issues and anger etc, but they are due to the trauma of adoption not my genetics.

Our predispositions are probably mostly genetically inherited, but the way we learn to cope with them are taught by adoptive parents and teachers etc.

Answer 8

This is a very tricky question, since that very question is hotly debated by psychologists and has been for over a century now.  Here is my take.  I have no formal "proof" (most of the studies on this are not scientifically valid if you look at the statistical analysis anyway) so my only evidence is what I've seen with my own eyes, but here it goes.  

In general, the number of adoptive children that I have seen with behavioral problems is greater than the percentage of behavioral problems among non-adopted people.  One cause of this is that people with anti-social or rebellious natures are more likely to end up with unplanned and young pregnancies.  This is pretty much a clear case of cause and effect.  Society says don't have s*x, child is rebellious so chidl has s*x, child gets pregnant.  Some of these anti-social rebellious trates are genetically based.  They can be caused by ADD or ADHD, a variety of personality dissorders, mild scitzophrenia, learning disabilities, or low IQ.  All of those things can be passed on genetically.  Thus, if a child inherits the genes for a particular dissorder from his/her biological parent then he/she will also be more prone to potential behavior problems.  However, just because you are more prone to them does not mean you will develop them.  Children may carry the genes for ADHD and never manifest the dissorder at all.  Even if dissorders are manifested (dislexia or a learning disability), good parenting an often teach coping skills that prevent the dissorder from turning into a more generalized behavior problem.  Thus, while there are some "bad genes" out there that can get passed along, just having the gene does not mean the child will turn out bad.  In fact, with many of these dissorders, propper management can turn it into an asset instead of a problem.  People with ADD, for instance, are extremely creative.  ADD can cause behavior problems, but it can also cause wonderful talents.  It's good parenting that makes the difference in the result.  

On the other hand, some adoptive children face extra hurdles.  This is primarily for children adopted after infancy.  We have heard on here many times about the "primal wound"s some infant adoptees suffer - but I have heard very few of my adopted friends complain about that, and most have even denied it when I've asked directly.  It is the children who have been in foster care, and those that can truly remember seperation, abuse, and insecurity who have the biggest problems.  Any child in such an unstable envirnoment will have long lasting trauma that can cause effects even years or decades after they've been adopted.  These effects may be large, or small, and will vary from person to person.  However, childhood is such a developmental time in our lives that abuse or even simple instability will often cause ripling effects forever.  Some people look at such children and say, "Oh they must just take after their loser of a mother" when the truth is that if they had any way to tell the ground from the sky, they probably wouldn't act out half so much.  

Children aren't blank slates when they are born, but they're not granite statues either.  Instead I think they're more like PlayDough.  No matter what you do to it, it's still going to be PlayDough - it'll never turn into ice cream or marble - but it's the nurturing and experiences that make all the difference in how it looks.

Answer 9

There are so many factors in all of this.  Many, many adopted people have a core personality that they genetically receive, along with their genetically received talents, abilities, etc.  Environment doesn't develop these.  It can, however, have an impact on the core that already exists.

That said,  I've seen natural families where both parents are alcoholics and one or more of the children are not.  Hence, the existence of 12 step groups like Al-ateen (for teen children of alcoholics) and ACA (for adult children of alcoholics.)  I've also seen alcoholics arise from parents who are not.  I have a good friend whose adoptive parents are both alcoholics.  She is not, but had to deal with her parents' alcoholism.  Or, my other friend who adopted 2 sons.  She and her husband do not having problems with alcohol.  One of her sons is not an alcoholic and the other is.  The one who is an alcoholic has alcoholism in his genetic history.

Genetics can be tricky.  But, of course, if a child comes from a genetic background that includes alcoholism, that child's chances of becoming alcoholic are greatly increased.  This can happen whether the adoptive parents are great parents or not.  The core is there, environment can affect but not change that core, but the outcome cannot be totally predetermined.  

More importantly is whether or not adoptive parents expect that their parenting will make their child "be like them" or "not be like the natural parents."  It's important for any parent to know that their child is born with a core of who he or she is.  Adoptive parents especially need to keep this in mind, as they sometimes have expectations that aren't realistic.  Mind you, not all adoptive parents have these unrealistic expectations, but some do.  This probably happened more often in earlier decades when the idea of "tabla rasa" was popular.

EDIT:  It's important to keep in mind, as well, that being a "w***e" "criminal" or "abuser" are not inheritable traits any more than dyed hair color.  Diseases, such as alcoholism are.

Answer 10

This one cuts both ways for me.  My a'parents never said such things about my first mother, and my a'mom once took me to task for supposing my first mom might have been a "bad person."

I'm a Baby Scoop Era adoptee, and back then the "nurture" component was stressed much harder.  Babies were "blank slates."  My a'parents were pretty much told that, thanks to careful matching, I'd turn out just like them!  While I understand this was done to combat the "bad blood"/eugenics thinking of decades past, I'm very glad they chose to ignore it and let me grow into my own person.

If adoptive parents really think nature is everything these days, the pendulum has swung back too far the other way.  We are what we are.  All four parents have a hand in that.

Answer 11

I don't believe there are bad genes.  I think there are just bad situations.  9 times out of 10 if you look at the birth-parents circumstances, you'll see a person who lacked a support system and probably is one of many generations of the family to have problems.  It isn't their genes that cause the disruption it's the lack of parenting skills.  People learn what they live.  We learn practically everything we know from our parents, so if we live in a dysfunctional home, that's what we learn.  That's why it is so important to treat the birth parents with respect.  They probably haven't had the best of lives either!

Answer 12

I did and I now have six adult children, three of them with their own children now, very happy and very content, and three on their way to being married.

I adopted 5 of them from birth, all inter-racial backgrounds and have never looked back.  I loved my babies from the minute I held them in my arms, and THAT is what overcomes what some call "bad genes".   Love and caring and understanding all of their lives, is the commitment one makes when having a child or adopting a child.   To me, they were my children and I treated them as such.

I used to hear some adoptive parents say "These are my two adopted children and this is my own".  I used to shudder with the thoughts of what those children were going to grow up like.  My sixth child was my only pregnancy, at 44 years of age.  I never "separated" them with my words or actions.

"These are my children".

You cannot expect any child to grow up happy, content and successful (in their own way) if you treat them as "different".

If you adopt, they must become "yours" and they will feel this from the start.

All five of my children come from different "genes" and I know the details of all of them.  A couple of them could have gone way down into the pit, if they had "followed" their genes, but they didn't because they knew they were loved, and had loving parents who adored them.

Answer 13

I believe there will always be something that cannot be changed kids are made from their bio parents and will always carry some traits.  But I do believe that adoptive parents can encourage a child and help them grow up with good morals, good values, a belief system, knowing right from wrong, etc.  I think that that child rearing is a huge part nurture/environment with a slight trace of nature/biology.  I think a lot of it also depends on when the child was adopted and what the child has been exposed to from day one.

Answer 14

birth mothers haven't made any mistake sin life that adoptive parents haven't. all they have done is made the best choice for the child. i was adopted as a baby and i am nothing like my adoptive family.

Answer 15

I'm not sure I can add anything to what's already been said but here goes.

My background.  I'm a parent who adopted a little girl from China.  My wife was adopted and we have since found her birthmother.  My sister was also adopted.

A lot of people have written about genetic versus environment issues.  I think one should look specifically at your question.

You've mentioned "trash", "whores","crackheads", "meth addicts", "iv needle users", "criminals", and "abusive".  In a sense I think all those issues are actually learned.  A person might have a disposition to use/abuse but their upbringing would determine whether or not they were raised in a situation where one gives into basic instinct as opposed to seeing, knowing, and doing what socieity expects of them.

What I have seen with regards to my wife and her birthmother is that they have similar unexplained commonalities -- like preferences to roses, the colors pink and green, and strong-willed beliefs.  Those things might or might not have been genetic.  The mother who raised her would have also shared those same traits to some degree.  Maybe it's like looking at a horoscrope and then trying to make what happened that given day fit the forecast.

Maybe a different perspective.

Answer 16

I will say this, if that statement were true, i would of ended up like my birth mother. On drugs and sleeping around. My adoptive parents raised me in a loving, postive home, so those traits that my birth mother had was never a thought. In fact when I found out what she was doing, it only made me more determined not to be on drugs or do anything else that could jepordaize my future.

Answer 17

Good grief, what's up with that question? I have never been, trash, a w***e, a crackhead, etc, and I think the majority of us birth moms are young and scared. My bdaughter IS like me, a caring wonderful person.

Answer 18

i was raised in a non drinking family enviroment. anyone here that knows me knows my analogy for my afamily is 'ward and june cleaver' and its no lie. only rarely would dad have a beer after work.

then came me. i had a serious problem with drugs and alcohol. it seemed so natural to me. i was a very good drunk. i partied like it was my last day on earth, all the time. surprisingly i am still here. i found my bio family and found addiction is very deep seeded in my genetics. they both also battled alcohol and drug abuse.

i was not as bad as they were, i kept it to the "light" stuff, if there is such a thing, because the voice in my head told me i would like it waaay too much. i knew back then, but i didnt understand.

we have all dealt with our demons and got back on track. but i am a firm believer that genetics plays a major factor in our lifestyles and choices. i am living proof. the fact that i was able to control it faster and easier than my bio parents shows that my mom and dad had a big influence on me, but not enough to thwart what was engraved on my dna.

Answer 19

It is not just nature or nurture...it is how they COMBINE.  Simple biology tells us that no child is a clone of just the mother or just the father, but rather a unique combination of genes from two people.  As a child, and even now as an adult, I believe that kids raise themselves.  They choose which parts of their environment they decide to listen to and make part of themselves.  Nurture involves so much more than just the afamily.

Answer 20

First of all, my perspective on this answer comes from one that has been adopted and then adopted 2 children.

I do not know much about the reason my birth mom placed me for adoption other than from a letter that she wrote to my parents.  But I can pretty much say it was not because she was trash, a shore or a crack head.  And I met the birth mom of our 2 adopted children, and they were not either.  I think that adopted children most likely have traits from their birth families - however I can also tell you that just because you inherit something that does not necessarily mean that you are wind up like them. Even biological children are different from each other. I think environment can make a difference how a child turns out as well. Good parenting- (whether biological or adoptive) makes a different how the child will turn out.

Answer 21

being a "crackhead" isnt in your genes, its a path you choose. Being a "criminal" isnt either. Its also a path you choose, just as is everything else you put down.

If you are baught up by your adoptive parents, to understand right from wrong, education on drugs etc etc then there is no reason for anyone to end up like that.

Its how your are baught up and what kind of people you are baught up around that will contribute to being what I would call "waste of space" Its a life choice made only by yourself.

Answer 22

I don't know about "bad blood" but I was raised in a wonderful adoptive home, couldn't ask for a better set of adoptive parents.

But when I met my n-father two years ago, I was struck by just how much I am EXACTLY like him.  Right down to our mutual love for Tolkien and cats and public radio and our disdain for Republicans.

NONE of that came from my aparents.  

I am my n-dad's twin, and I had been separated from him for 32 years.  

Go figure?

Answer 23

Well I am adopted and I carry my adoptive families traits. I think it is because I grew up with them and their opinions, beliefs, likes and dislikes all influenced me.

Answer 24

Interesting questions.  Since I haven't yet decided if I'm going to meet my other family I may not know.  

I DO know..I'm exactly like my dad and my gramma in personality and I look almost exactly like my mom.  I'm sure its just because I've picked up her facial expressions over the last 37 years and 363 days.I believe nature is a small part of who we become.  I'm one of the nurture weirdos

Answer 25

Hi

I was adopted 39 years ago, my parents ( adoptive parents ) gave me a wonderful fullfilling much loved life. I know only what my wonderful parents have taught me and know nothing of my biological parents. I believe it is the way you are raised.