Within the week im gone - why should i stay in this messed up life ?

Question

People seem to keep me distant & are very aloof to me like they can sense i have a lot of problems ...

how do i handle this behaviour ?

its like from my perception no one wants to get involved with me, like iam a condemed person which people are disturbed by or whatever.

its not like i have never tried with people either, in the past i have even acted out of character to try and be overly friendly and nice to be accepted and still, people have kept their distance but been civil to me, almost like making it evident they dont want to know me.

ive had a very hard life, suffered severe hard times all my life ; bullying , abuse and rejection, iam now 30 with borderline personality and post traumatic stress symptoms.

i live alone in a one bedroom flat in england on disability, iam presentley waiting to see if the services will offer me group therpy - i have had my assesment done last week.

i own nothing except an old, dusty computer, ive never had or accomplished anything i wanted so far in life..

never formed any relationships ever - never had a job or been employed - never had qualifications.

for many years i have had major problems with aggression and rage due to the fact i was severley mercilessley bullied earlier in life......problems socialising with people.......paranoid persecution problems.........very very severe low self worth.......extreme anxiety problems......behaviour and social problems.

the biggest one has been aggression and rage which never seems to expire within me.

ive made alot of progress over the years all by myself, controlled my aggressive outbursts all by myself - i used to have aggressive outburst in public often , where i would lash out at people, shoulder barge people over , get attacked and hurt by strangers, cause myself public embarressment and humiliation........get cautioned by the police etc.

im ashamed of those actions but never did it purposfully, whilst out - the rage just used to take me over, if i felt threatened, paranoid, felt jealous of others happy lives etc..

this was many years ago, about 4 years now and ive really improved since then.

i very much still have extreme low self worth, though, deeply fear rejection, act all intimate and clingy and desperate whenever i try to get to know someone, especially females who often reject me because of this.

i get all desperate and intense , so now im even scared to reach out to people because im aware of how iam and fear rejection so badly.

i feel i dont have the social skills to know how to act different.

in the present people - i feel - are still very aloof with me - stand offish - i often feel my efforts to be friendly are often repelled or rejected - its like no one wants to know me - everyone is distancing themselves from me.

that is what i percieve, and because of this i feel socially ostracised - scared to try anything like a college course or a night class or something incase the public act this way and reject me.

i know no ways to deal with this behaviour except to feel and act aggressive which thn just further isolates me from people - like a vicious circle.

also i know im paranoid but im also intelligent and know when im being treated like this by people - so dont answer me and tell me im imagining it or its all in my head.

does anyone know how i can handle this ?

Answer 1

Now you listen here to me... I have always paid your questions attention and tried to answer almost every one of them,,,, I have never ever judged you I even have added you to my Im and I told you I would do whatever I could to help you in anyway I could now haven't I? I have never been mean to you or said anything rude or unruly to you and I will not now. But I am trying my hardest to be a good friend to you, but you have to help me out and do your part too I can not make it happen all by myself. It takes 2 people each doing their part to make any relationship work friendship or anything else. I feel I been a pretty good friend to you because I care about you... I would have thought you would have seen that for as long as we have been in touch now. you are even on my network so i can make sure I don't miss your questions. If you feel I have failed you I am sorry I am trying my best to be a good friend to you. I apologize for whatever i did wrong or missed. I want very much to help you I thought you knew that. Please just hang in there and give things a chance to work hon. If I made you feel this way I am sorry, i really am trying to be a good friend to you! Gentle Hugs

Answer 2

first i want to say WELL DONE on getting yourself assessed. that's the first big step. even if you don't get group therapy, i'm sure you will be given some kind of therapy or support, which will help you on your way to a better life, especially if you have actually been previously diagnosed, as it means they know there's a problem. also, i want to congratulate you on making progress with your aggressive outbursts. IT IS A BIG ACHIEVEMENT. and you must believe that. have confidnce in yourself - you have taken control over one of your problems and you CAN do it with the rest. you just need to have that same determination.

and don't give up. it is not too late to achieve your goals, you're only 30. you've just got to take it slowly, try and sort out one problem at a time. try and work on your self-confidence, as this will help you move on, make friends, get a job to help yourself. then you will have more money to achieve your goals, and to spend on yourself to make yourself feel good.

keep repeating to yourself a mantra. something like 'I am a good person' or 'I am a worthy person' or 'I am a confident, friendly person.' if you keep repeating this, hopefully you will start to believe it. and if you don't believe it, then use it. say ' i don't believe these mantras, but i WANT to believe them, therefore i must work to change how i think, and believe them.'

look at why you think certain things. challenge the way you think.

and don't be afraid to get out there and try a college course or something. i know it's hard when you're so scared of what might happen, but in the end, it will help you. i also have very low self-esteem, so i never used to go out with friends and meet people, because i feared what other people would think of me, i too feared rejection. but you know what? i went out there, i went against my fear, i met people, i wasn't rejected like i thought i would be, and now i have many friends, who can help me through my problems, and who give me hope. i go out now every weekend. i have achieved something. and you can do that too. just go against your fear, and go for it. and if people do act odd around you, ignore it. do this to make YOU happy, don't focus on what other people think. hey, even if you don't make a single friend on the course (and i'm almost certain that wouldn't happen), you would, by the end, have gained a qualification of some sort. and guess what? that can be used to get a job. it will give you confidence. it will get you on the right path.

just don't give up on yourself.

Email me if you want to talk (email through my profile). I will NOT reject you. i believe in you, even if you don't believe in yourself. i may not be able to help much, but you can be confident that i care, and that i will listen if you want to offload all your problems and worries.

Stay strong, and don't give up.

Answer 3

You have to wait it out - give the disability claim time to go through.  You have gone through an amazing amount of things for a thirty year old.  Somewhere in you, there is a strength or you wouldn't have made it this far.  I have suffered nowhere near what you have - but I have struggled with anxiety disorder and severe depression due to illness.  I have a hard time finding the value within myself also, since the goals that I had previously set for myself have not been reached.  I have learned that as your situation changes, you must adapt your goals and be proud of yourself for what you are doing now.  You're seeking out help - you're going through the disability process (which is daunting in itself) - you're using the only thing in your apartment to reach out to people - these are all *accomplishments* - you are just judging your goals on your "past life" when you felt better than you do now.  

Hang on - and it will get better - when you get into therapy, you will be able to talk to people that are struggling with the same issues that you are - you are *not alone.*  These are the issues that most people won't, or don't have the courage, to talk about - you do have the courage - and that shows your strength, perception, and intelligence.  You're forgetting something in that flat - and that is *you* - your mind, your thoughts - those are valuable assets that no one can take away from you.  Feel free to e-mail me or IM me if you want - it would be my pleasure to talk to you.

Answer 4

I think you kind of answered your own question.  What are you bringing to a relationship other than all negative thoughts and fear?  I know it is hard for you and I was really touched by what you wrote.  Sometimes we can't take care of all these feelings on our own.  Sometimes we need a higher helping hand.  I read your profile and saw at the bottom how you believe people with good hearts are a gift from God.  Well you are right.  But they are only speaking on His behalf.  Did you know that you can have a personal relationship with God?  Well you can.  But no where in your writing did you mention trying asking God for relief.  And once you do you will need to have complete faith that He is capable of providing it to you.  And you must trust that relief will be provided on His time and completely accept that fact.  Look around you and try to find what you should be learning from this experience.  Look at the fact that you have a roof over your head and you have dreams that are totally reachable.  Even your old computer.  There are many people on this Earth right now that don't have a home much less a computer of any kind.  You know everyone, and I mean everyone, goes through rough times in their lives.  What we learn from those times is what gives us wisdom and makes us who we are.  But no matter how tough things get, God is always right there by your side.  He won't interfere unless you ask.  He is the only hope for all of us.  I myself have been through some rough times.  If you want to talk more feel free to email me and I will share some of my stories with you.  But most importantly know that you are an important person on this Earth.  And just because you haven't discovered your purpose doesn't make you any less important than anyone else.  Billions of people don't know their true purpose in life.  Someday you could make a huge difference in someone else's life.  Keep strong and just take one step at a time.  You are never alone and we have all been there before.  God Bless You!

Answer 5

You keep posting this question expecting people to feel sorry for you so you can make yourself feel better... get a grip , it isnt society that has a negative perception of you, its you with the negative perception to society,, get off your @rse and do something about it instead of moaning and groaning that everybody hates you when all you do is hate yourself....

Answer 6

im sure u asked this question about a month ago sayin ur time was up? is this just for attention?

Answer 7

You know yourself very well, my friend.  You sound highly intelligent and in need of mental stimulation,  I bet you think way too much because of this!  Sometimes, when we are in turmoil we convey this to other people and they can often respond by backing off.  It may not be personal, just a very basic human response that is nonetheless incredibly hurtful and demoralising.  You accept your whole self in a way that many people never achieve.  This is both good and absolute h**l.  Best of all, you have goals and dreams!  As long as you have your dreams, you have a purpose in life,  Pursue those dreams.  Stop turning yourself inside out with your thoughts.  Just sometimes try to be.  No thinking, no analysing, just "be".  You have too much going for you to remain forever in your current situation.  You absolutely have what it takes to move forward. Meantime,  go to your mental health team and find out what kind of learning and voluntary opportunities are out there for people like you.  I know it's horrible to feel segregated but sometimes we have to acknowledge that that's where we are in life and roll with the punches.  This will also help you develop social skills. Your future will come with tiny steps, starting from the moment you pick up the phone and speak to someone who can direct you.

You can get through these difficult times.  I can see the inner strength and the potential in your words.  I really hope you can find a way to release everything within you that is just waiting to leap out and do amazing things!   Lots of luck.  x

Answer 8

Obviously this is not new to you.  These feelings of rage and low self esteem are not good and you need to try to talk yourself down.  Sometimes we aren't successful.  Some people never reach the goals or success that they envisioned for themselves at a young age.  But they shouldn't blame others or turn themselves into a loner.  Instead they learn to accept who they are and what their limitations and expectations are for the point they are in their lives.  Maybe you should stop and look at the world through different eyes.  One, you have a place to live.  Two, you have resources for food and the essentials of life.  Three, you did not indicate that you are on drugs or an alcoholic.  You have 10 times more than my niece who died in May had at the time of her death.  Look within yourself and find peace.  It cannot be handed to you on a platter.  Know that sometimes others cannot solve the problems of life for us.  Take small steps outside yourself and see what happens.  If you see it as failure...then it is.  If you see it as being proactive and better than it was...then it is.  At some point in all of our lives we must take responsibility for our own actions.  No matter if you have psychiatric problems or not.  You are still an adult and are responsible for your actions and MUST own them.

If you feel you are "running" people off from you.  Then you maybe you should try to be more subtle and less needy.  Clingy people are offensive.  Join a book club, take online courses.  Find something that will help you feel connected to others.  Don't be forceful, but don't be a wallflower either.

Take a deep breath and realize that you are not powerless.  You can and will take control of your life.  One way or the other.  Choosing to end your life is probably the most selfish thing you could do.  My mother has attempted suicide many times and it was very difficult for me and my siblings to understand the desire to quit...just give up on life because it didn't turn out like she planned.  She wasn't getting her way or what she thought was the proper treatment, etc.  I could go on and on about it, but, the point is she, like you, drove people away.  Learn to embrace those people in your life and make new friends slowly.  Don't be clingy and don't have regard others reaction to you so personally.  They may be having a bad day or life as well.

Regardless, I hope you continue to get the help you need and learn to cope in a world that could offer you very much if you choose to explore it.

Answer 9

you are not powerless!! You would be surprised at what you can achieve with some effort. I think that what really helps is finding something that you really like and then build on that... reading, sitting on a bench in the park, cinema etc then you can move on and meet new people through these activities that you like.Try not to take your problems too seriously and focus on the energy that you have to do things. you will start will little things- you cant get social over a night- and then move on. No man is an island, you can find your own way to communicate. As for your dreams, they seem very realistic and you could make them come true if you tried. Keep yourself occupied with things that you like and dont spend too much time thinking about yourself and your condition. Get some help if the council offers it. I wish you the best, take care

Answer 10

because English losers are s**y to American girls?

ugh, 7 thumbs down? maybe I should do myself in too...

Answer 11

you should live or you want to leave me living the same life style alone on this world?

Answer 12

go out there, go get a computer job..... and go make something of ur life

i felt simlaur to this and im 19. but im determined 2 make something of my life!

im opin to be driving soon, go to college get my acting sorted and b on ur t.vs haha

so go do something while u got the chance!!!!

gd luck

Answer 13

you seem like a good writter by that i mean you know how to express your self which is a difficult thing to do sometimes.

Focus on just one thing, one thing that important to you,

So you want to work with computers, do an online course from learn direct or sumthing to that degree,

Focus on this, not friend or women, when you start feeling better about your self so will others feel more positive toward you

Its a no brainer GO GO Go do sumthing with your life and stop thinking neg's thoughts.

I have no right to judge you because i have not been through what you have but what i do know 100%

yes 100% that is..... its is possible to turn your life around and make sumthing for your self.

If you would like a mate that wont judge you then you can email me at:

[e-mail]

Let me know how your getting on with your new life from today.

Go get the eduction you need for your IT job

AND DO NOT LOOK BACK

Answer 14

People are often stand-offish and aloof in the UK!  There's not much sense of community over here - blame Thatcher if you like - but its a complicated story!

Don't over analyse everything.  Society is a bit f'cked up, that's just the way it is!  You can't be held entirely responsible for the reactions of dumb, evil people.  I wouldn't worry about endearing myself to certain people, cause they're just not worth it.

Try to carry yourself with more confidence, and people will probably have more confidence in you.

Answer 15

I really haven't been where your at, but I do know things are subject to change. Try not to give up now. Good things may be just around the corner for you. Maybe you will soon get into that group counseling you wrote about. Also you don't say anything about faith. Prayer has helped me over a lot of rough spots. Knowing that God cares for you can be a big comfort if you will let it.

Answer 16

Wow, sorry to hear it.  Doing yourself in is selfish.  We all got our $hit, believe me.  How would you feel if the next day, a young lady smiles at you, or you recieve a message about a job you want. Do you get my point?  There are/were so many failures in life who keep going.  You don't get to die.  We're all in this together, us yahoos.

You may feel alone, but you are so not.  Any idea of how many people are on this planet?

Please focus your energy on something positive to help mankind.  Take a walk, get out and get some circulation going.  You'll feel better.  Eat your fruits and vegies every day.  Grow strong and healthy and F*#& them all..  (the ones that hurt you)

You can do this!!

Answer 17

Hey friend, you're going through a rough spot. It's tough, we've all been there. When life is tough it's always hard to focus on the good.

I see some good in what you wrote, you have goals (good paying computer job, living by the coast), focus your energy and aggression on achieving those goals. Go to school (if you haven't already), work hard at your job, save money for your little place by the water...

When you focus on what you can control, the other things that seemed so tough will fall into place.

Good luck.

Answer 18

Complaining about what you don't have, is a sad waste of the things you have. Being on benefits isn't the end of the world.You have food, shelter, water..... things millions of people don't have in third world countries, things you should feel very fortunate to have.

ppl say it's good to set targets in life, but equally you must be weary of setting them too high. Your judgement of what you call success should be pegged on the things you have achieved, not what the people around you have manged to achieve. You say ppl judge you, however in my opinion it's you judging yourself, i am sure you are an intelligent man but perhaps it is this over analyzing thats the route of your problems.

Answer 19

why not upset your family and friends and waste the governments money complain about how your starving, and your family are dead.  

Answer 20

would you get over yourself don't you think its the self pity you have  for yourself that drives ppl away cos there fed up of listening to your moaning of how hard your life has been!! seriously grow up and get on ith it your 30 yrs old some ppl dont get to live that long cos they have no water and your moaning about havin a flat and being on benifits!!!!!

Answer 21

Wah Wah Wah.

If you want people to like you, you need to be a winner. Get a nice vest, pump up the guns and hit the town.

Answer 22

People rte maybe being driven away because despite all the advise and help they try to give you, you don't accept it, or act on it.  I suggested to you before ways in which to tackle some of the problems in your life, or achieve some of your goals, as have other people, yet your still asking the same questions.  You say you desperately want to achieve these goals - use some of the advise you have been given to begin your journey to achieve them!!

Good Luck!

[e-mail]

Answer 23

Don't be cross but your comment about people sensing you have a lot of problems made me smile.

I felt compelled to answer this one because it made me feel anxious and churned up, and because i don't want you to go, but as ever I am at a loss as to what to say.

These questions of yours get some people to plum the depths of their kindness with all their might, trying to find the right words to get through to you (i used to think that was the point of them). I have seen some beautiful responses to you, where people have used strong, powerful words of love. And at times you seem to appreciate them, but then the questions come rolling out again and nothing has changed. And some of those people try again, try harder, again and again but it never really makes a difference. For a while I thought you were still waiting for the right words, the ones that would hit home and free you from the chaos, but such words don't exist do they.

Nothing can rewrite history. Not even love.

And however much the people who love you would like to fly back in time and retrieve the beautiful, happy, carefree little boy before the chaos invaded his heart, we can't. No earthly being can, except for you.

This question, like your others, is in the past.

There is nothing we can say to change things because you already know the outcome.

I love you my friend.

I hate the thought of losing you.