Without hurting her feelings how can I get her to respect my household when she visits?

Question

It's a long story ...

Although we have a good relationship, I interally have a list of issues with my mother – some of which I have shared with her, and some I have not shared with her. One of the bigger issues is her smoking marijuana while she’s visiting my home. She lives in another state many miles away, but she comes to town to help my aunts care for my grandmother 6 to 7 months out of the year. She usually spends a week or two at our house before she leaves; however, the last few times it’s been hard to get her to come over because she knows that she cannot smoke weed in or near our home. When I was single and had my own apartment she asked me if she could smoke it inside and I agreed. At that time it didn’t really bother me, and because it was just me I had the liberty to do that. Things changed when I got married four years ago. She came to town with her old habits and when it happened my husband didn’t like it. He asked me to tell her to smoke it outside.

Answer 1

that is really long.

Answer 2

The overwhelming principal is that this is illegal activity and your husband is within his rights to demand that the law of the land is to be respected in his house.  I would venture to guess that the local police could find it their hearts to resolve this quickly.

Answer 3

It seems, how do I say this, untraditional that your mother wants you to put her in front of everyone and everything else. But that's not the point here. Your mom wants you to put her smoking before everyone else, not her. In effect, she's trying to manipulate your position as a daughter just so that she can smoke weed. Since you've already asked her politely to smoke it somewhere other than your home, this time you need to really be firm about it. Tell her that if she wants to smoke marijuana, she can do it at her own expense instead of forcing her daughter and her son-in-law to take the risk. Tell her especially that you suggesting she go for a walk to smoke weed is not going to risk her going to jail--the fact that she is smoking it in the first place is.

Answer 4

1) Just because you grew up around weed doesn't make you mother smoking it in your house right.

2) Same thing about your husband in his youth.

3) You asking your mom to take a walk if she smokes weed isn't jeopardizing her going to jail. You mother is jeopardizing herself going to jail by smoking it in the first place.

That said, I would simply tell her that if she wants to continue to visit and use your house as a free hotel room that she will have to respect your wishes. If not, she can spend 2 weeks down the road at the holiday inn when she is in town visiting.

Answer 5

Tell her she can't smoke weed in or near your house. No two ways about it. If she doesn't like it, don't come.

Answer 6

First, you are tooooo wordy. A simple, assertive, unemotional comment would suffice: "Mom, regardless of any other issues, I am very uncomfortable with you smoking marijuana anywhere when you visit. If you wish to continue visiting us, I must insist that you stop smoking weed when you visit us.  Otherwise, I welcome your visits and hope we can get past this issue without any conflicts."

Answer 7

Yikes. It's hard because your mother is always your mother. And your husband is the man you are building the rest of your life with. However, I am dismayed that your mother is seemingly unable to put aside her habits in your home.  Obviously she knows it's illegal and doesn't want to get caught by smoking it outside, so why can't she just stop period? I can understand how you would be upset and hurt that she would manipulate your husband in order to smoke in your home. If you've had this conversation repeatedly with her, about not smoking in your home, then the time has come to put your foot down. Tough love goes both ways.  Feelings will have to get hurt, but the good news is that they will hopefully heal given time to think. Simply tell her that while you love her and her visits, you and your husband have instituted a strict no weed policy in your home. Tell her that this time now is a good time to get used to this idea because when and if you have children, you do not want them to be in that environment. As a mother herself, hopefully she can learn to respect your rules as you respected hers growing up. Good luck to you.