Wives & Moms, what do you do when you feel grossly taken forgranted?

Question

I have been married 28 years, have two children 19 and 14, and I know it is my fault for letting things get to this level...but I get up in the morning and my husband doesn't even acknowledge me. He'll go up to bed at night and not say goodnight. My kids just expect me to "do and do". I just feel I don't matter anymore to my family as long as I do my function--cook, shop, run errands, work outside my home without talking about it at home because no one cares. I feel more alone at home. It isn't that I am disrespected, it is just that I just exist and it makes me feel so sad. When I address my feelings with them--they are sincerely confused and think I just have too much pressure from my work which is making me feel like this!!

I'm sure it is just a passing phase, but does anyone else have this problem and what do you do to "pick yourself up"?

Answer 1

just stop doing for everyone. tell them their old enough to take care of themselves. when clothes arent clean and suppers not on the table then they will focus on you. tell them then that your done being the door mat and until they start pitching in, your done. then take off and go sit at a restaurant ,feed yourself and start on a new book. let them all have time to think and see what they would do without you. then give chores to everyone,even your husband. you work too and shouldnt be the only one with two jobs.

Answer 2

I think you need to focus on one thing at a time. WORK . That is where you will get some satisfaction and also a release from home.

You raise your children to leave you - so at their age they can begin to do for themselves. That means you need to start bonding with some people at work and see if they want to go out for a bite to eat and a drink after work.  I think you should look at your community recreation department and see if there are some classes that you would be interested in taking - hobby, exercise, etc.

When they complain , then you can say now they know how you feel.  

Answer 3

I throw a fit. I spit in his coffee. Then talk to him about it. If he doesn't change, I'll leave.

Men usually need a kick in the pants to get them back on track. And children will always take you for granted. Only when they are grown will they have the capacity to understand all you've done, if then.

Demand the love and respect you deserve, honey. I am woman, hear me roar!

Answer 4

Stop doing all those things just to satisfy other people.  Do something to please yourself.  Get your nails done, get a massage, let the kids do their own laundry, don't "mother" your family.  They're all grown up and should pitch in.

Answer 5

Don't tolerate it. I mean 19 is an adult, 14 is not but at 14 kids should be capable of doing their own laundry, making their own lunches, helping with housework etc.. these skills are essential in life, for men and women alike. When they go to college or move out how will they cope if you've done everything for them? Put your foot down now, or nothing will improve. Its not healthy to let people walk all over you like this, especially the people who are supposed to love you most.

(I'm not a mother but I am a wife and if my husband expected me to be his maid, for lack of a better word, I wouldn't feel very good about myself, it's not fair. I mean it's 2008, marriages where women do everything domestic are increasingly a thing of the past thank goodness, you deserve better. It's not a feminist issue, it's a matter of respect, it's not right to take advantage of people, whether wife/husband/co-worker/friend, anyone. Especially since you work outside the home, that means responsibilities within the home should be equal)

Good luck

Answer 6

Trust me your not alone.  My husband has 4 children and all I seem to do is take care of them and him and get no respect what so ever and I'm tired gladly listen to any suggestions.

Answer 7

I understand and  am right there with you.  My family acts the same way.  We do to much for them and come to expect it.  I have stopped in the past 6 weeks and they have noticed.  I am  not shopping as much and only do my  and my husbands wash.  

for the husband thing I had a talk to him and  we both decided that we needed to spend time together  to make us want to be  together. we we just so comfortable  we needed spice.  things are a little better but we  have a long way to go.  hang in there.  

Answer 8

just   tell  him

Answer 9

Sorry, but this is not a phase. They will not snap out of it because they have no reason to do so. As long as you keep doing, they will keep expecting you to.

Go on strike. Take care of yourself and nobody else. Cook for one. Wash only your own clothes. After a week of such, take a weekend spa break and return on Sunday evening, pampered, rested and ready to negotiate. Repeat as necessary.

Answer 10

your akids are teenager's. sounds like its time for you to live a little. let your hubby go to bed or be an old bag , liven yourself up, treat yourself to whatever you want, hair , pedi and mani's and be happy.  

Answer 11

i feel so sad for you. i feel the same way. i feel like i just exist and live in a robotic fashion. i dont even get made love to at night...as a nice stress reliever or just the "in case i forget to tell you i love you" s*x. o well...just hang in there, and try to give yourself a bit of a social life. go to the mall, join a gym or get a nice hobby. good luck

Answer 12

1. Give the 14 and 19 year old chores.

2. Start teaching them to cook so that they can help by each cooking a meal a week.

3. Go out to eat once a week. Take the kids and call your husband to meet you there. If he is a no show...bring him home a doggy bag.

4. Go get your hair done and buy yourself one nice thing a week.

They got used to the never-ending cycle of repitition through the years.

Life is not supposed to be sad.

This is not a phase, it is your subconscious finding it's way to the surface.

The family will adapt with the changes.

Live happy!

Best wishes

Answer 13

Does your kids and husband complain about anything?  If they are complaining, that really adds to the negativity and I would say find a family therapist and everyone go.

If they are not complaining, then I think you just need to give yourself permission to take a break.  If you take a long enough break, I bet they'll start to appreciate you!  So call up your friends and have a girls only weekend!  Go to the lake or wherever and party!  Have some fun!  I bet you'll feel a lot better afterward.  Then, make it a routine thing, do it once a month or so.